At what point can you decide Montessori isn't working for your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone,

Thank you for all the replies. I should add that both our twins started at this school in what is essentially the "infant" class--the starter classroom, with kids as young as 18 months. Once they demonstrate enough self-sufficiency in that class, they "graduate" to the class that is largely made up of 3-5 year olds, in which there are fewer teachers to students. My son is still in that first class and apparently shows little signs of being ready to move on, according to them, while my daughter has moved on to the 3-5 year old class.

I also feel like all this stress and judgment about a kid who literally just turned three less than a month ago is frankly a bit nuts. And it's certainly taking its toll on me--I can think about virtually nothing else all day other than, "Is my son normal?" But I don't want to make excuses and I don't want blind optimism or wishful thinking to prevent us from taking action to help him along in his development, if in fact that's what he needs.

Again, thank you all. It helps to have a forum in which to talk about this.

Follow this instinct, OP. This IS NUTS. Find another school- doesn't really matter whether it's montessori or play based. But move them. This is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone,

Thank you for all the replies. I should add that both our twins started at this school in what is essentially the "infant" class--the starter classroom, with kids as young as 18 months. Once they demonstrate enough self-sufficiency in that class, they "graduate" to the class that is largely made up of 3-5 year olds, in which there are fewer teachers to students. My son is still in that first class and apparently shows little signs of being ready to move on, according to them, while my daughter has moved on to the 3-5 year old class.

I also feel like all this stress and judgment about a kid who literally just turned three less than a month ago is frankly a bit nuts. And it's certainly taking its toll on me--I can think about virtually nothing else all day other than, "Is my son normal?" But I don't want to make excuses and I don't want blind optimism or wishful thinking to prevent us from taking action to help him along in his development, if in fact that's what he needs.

Again, thank you all. It helps to have a forum in which to talk about this.

OP, my daughter went to a Montessori preschool when she was 3, and it was not a good fit for her. Some things we noticed were that she was overwhelmed by the size of the class and often had difficulty choosing an activity. It did not help that her guide left midway through the year and that she didn't establish a bond with the assistant or the new lead guide when they finally hired one. I had always thought that she would do well with Montessori as did her daycare teachers, but when she actually got there, it proved to just be too much for her. She hated it and cried at drop off almost every day, which she hadn't ever done at her previous program. We switched her to a play-based program and she thrived there - the crying at drop-off stopped immediately and her skills development accelerated.

I agree with previous posters who think it sounds like this school has already made up their minds about your son. I also agree that the level of judgment given his age is fairly ridiculous, though I can also understand why a concerned teacher would want to put interventions in place for a child they believe is developmentally delayed. In your position, if you trust the previous assessment, I would decline to have him re-evaluated and concentrate on moving him to a different preschool. If it is possible, your daughter, who is thriving, could stay in the current preschool. What is your plan for kindergarten given that you mentioned you live in DC but send them to school in VA?

[Anonymous]

I agree with previous posters who think it sounds like this school has already made up their minds about your son. I also agree that the level of judgment given his age is fairly ridiculous, though I can also understand why a concerned teacher would want to put interventions in place for a child they believe is developmentally delayed. In your position, if you trust the previous assessment, I would decline to have him re-evaluated and concentrate on moving him to a different preschool. If it is possible, your daughter, who is thriving, could stay in the current preschool. What is your plan for kindergarten given that you mentioned you live in DC but send them to school in VA?

I'm trying as hard as I can not to think of this as an "Us vs. Them" situation with the school. But I think my son behaves somewhat differently at school than he does at home. So his teacher is not seeing the degree of self-expression from him that we see, and that's contributing to their concerns. His teacher harps on the eye contact thing--that he's not making as much of it as they'd like to see. So I've started a game with him called "Look in Daddy's Eyes and Don't Laugh," which he enjoys. We'll see if that helps.

My son also has a somewhat unique way of expressing himself verbally. While he speaks and expresses himself more than he used to, he still does a lot of parroting of things that he hears, and a lot of repeating of words and phrases. He doesn't express himself verbally with the same sophistication that his sister does, and that does concern us. How much it should concern us, I don't know.

Regarding his attitude toward the school itself, while my son doesn't cry when he gets dropped off, I have noticed that he's started going limp when the teacher comes to our car to retrieve him. He has to be half-carried out of the car and placed on the ground. This could be his passive protest.

Regarding Kindergarten plans, our plan was to leave the kids at this school, when we thought that was an option. But of course that's looking less likely. I am somewhat biased toward Virginia schools, since that's where I grew up, and my opinion of the DC public school system is not all that high. Until we're able to move somewhere else (our house and property needs a fair amount of work before we can think about selling), I am prepared to drive the kids to school in Virginia every day. Fortunately my job allows me the flexibility to do that.

--Jeff Morris

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I agree with previous posters who think it sounds like this school has already made up their minds about your son. I also agree that the level of judgment given his age is fairly ridiculous, though I can also understand why a concerned teacher would want to put interventions in place for a child they believe is developmentally delayed. In your position, if you trust the previous assessment, I would decline to have him re-evaluated and concentrate on moving him to a different preschool. If it is possible, your daughter, who is thriving, could stay in the current preschool. What is your plan for kindergarten given that you mentioned you live in DC but send them to school in VA?

I'm trying as hard as I can not to think of this as an "Us vs. Them" situation with the school. But I think my son behaves somewhat differently at school than he does at home. So his teacher is not seeing the degree of self-expression from him that we see, and that's contributing to their concerns. His teacher harps on the eye contact thing--that he's not making as much of it as they'd like to see. So I've started a game with him called "Look in Daddy's Eyes and Don't Laugh," which he enjoys. We'll see if that helps.

My son also has a somewhat unique way of expressing himself verbally. While he speaks and expresses himself more than he used to, he still does a lot of parroting of things that he hears, and a lot of repeating of words and phrases. He doesn't express himself verbally with the same sophistication that his sister does, and that does concern us. How much it should concern us, I don't know.

Regarding his attitude toward the school itself, while my son doesn't cry when he gets dropped off, I have noticed that he's started going limp when the teacher comes to our car to retrieve him. He has to be half-carried out of the car and placed on the ground. This could be his passive protest.

Regarding Kindergarten plans, our plan was to leave the kids at this school, when we thought that was an option. But of course that's looking less likely. I am somewhat biased toward Virginia schools, since that's where I grew up, and my opinion of the DC public school system is not all that high. Until we're able to move somewhere else (our house and property needs a fair amount of work before we can think about selling), I am prepared to drive the kids to school in Virginia every day. Fortunately my job allows me the flexibility to do that.

--Jeff Morris

The added information about his verbal skills actually makes me lean toward getting another evaluation done. Have you spoken with their pediatrician about these concerns? I'm a clinical social worker, and while the eye contact thing would probably not bother me as much as it's bothering the teachers, combined with his verbal skills, it would warrant a little more exploration. I definitely agree that he behaves differently at school than he does at home - most kids do. If he is on track with meeting milestones otherwise, it might indicate some kind of a communication delay that can be addressed.

I asked about your school plan because I think that you're going to need a new option sooner rather than later, for your son's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
The added information about his verbal skills actually makes me lean toward getting another evaluation done. Have you spoken with their pediatrician about these concerns? I'm a clinical social worker, and while the eye contact thing would probably not bother me as much as it's bothering the teachers, combined with his verbal skills, it would warrant a little more exploration. I definitely agree that he behaves differently at school than he does at home - most kids do. If he is on track with meeting milestones otherwise, it might indicate some kind of a communication delay that can be addressed.

I asked about your school plan because I think that you're going to need a new option sooner rather than later, for your son's sake.

We raised the school's concerns with his pediatrician earlier this year. Her opinion at the time was that he was showing no particular signs of delay. She performed a brief developmental check at his 2.5-year appointment, and another at his three-year appointment. Still no concerns from her, although I'd like to discuss the situation with her further, and discuss with her the trouble he's still having in school.

We are definitely proceeding with getting another evaluation done, through the DC Strong Start program--he wasn't yet three years old when the first evaluation was conducted, but now that he's three I understand there are some other things they can test. Meanwhile I have begun researching other pre-schools that we could try. A Rocketship school actually opened up in our neighborhood in SE, literally down the street from our house. Notwithstanding my lingering bias against DC schools, we'll look into this one as well.

Thank you.

--Jeff Morris

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone,

Thank you for all the replies. I should add that both our twins started at this school in what is essentially the "infant" class--the starter classroom, with kids as young as 18 months. Once they demonstrate enough self-sufficiency in that class, they "graduate" to the class that is largely made up of 3-5 year olds, in which there are fewer teachers to students. My son is still in that first class and apparently shows little signs of being ready to move on, according to them, while my daughter has moved on to the 3-5 year old class.

I also feel like all this stress and judgment about a kid who literally just turned three less than a month ago is frankly a bit nuts. And it's certainly taking its toll on me--I can think about virtually nothing else all day other than, "Is my son normal?" But I don't want to make excuses and I don't want blind optimism or wishful thinking to prevent us from taking action to help him along in his development, if in fact that's what he needs.

Again, thank you all. It helps to have a forum in which to talk about this.

Follow this instinct, OP. This IS NUTS. Find another school- doesn't really matter whether it's montessori or play based. But move them. This is insane.

np: I agree. I have a girl and a boy. People are so right when they say girls mature faster than boys. They are not twins (girl is older) but I could see there was a real difference in their maturity at the same age. My DS also went to a preschool where they loved to send boys for evaluations and therapy. One year I think half the class was in some kind of therapy (speech, OT, para) and yes, it was 90 percent boys. I think every boy except one. I wasted so much time wondering "is my son normal?" Fast forward to K/1st grade, the differences have evened out.

This school sounds like way too much pressure on little kids.

[Anonymous]

DP. Chiming in to agree that following up with additional evaluations is a good plan, and moving both of them, sooner rather than later, is an excellent plan.

Whether he has delays or not, it's not the right preschool for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone,

Thank you for all the replies. I should add that both our twins started at this school in what is essentially the "infant" class--the starter classroom, with kids as young as 18 months. Once they demonstrate enough self-sufficiency in that class, they "graduate" to the class that is largely made up of 3-5 year olds, in which there are fewer teachers to students. My son is still in that first class and apparently shows little signs of being ready to move on, according to them, while my daughter has moved on to the 3-5 year old class.

I also feel like all this stress and judgment about a kid who literally just turned three less than a month ago is frankly a bit nuts. And it's certainly taking its toll on me--I can think about virtually nothing else all day other than, "Is my son normal?" But I don't want to make excuses and I don't want blind optimism or wishful thinking to prevent us from taking action to help him along in his development, if in fact that's what he needs.

Again, thank you all. It helps to have a forum in which to talk about this.

Follow this instinct, OP. This IS NUTS. Find another school- doesn't really matter whether it's montessori or play based. But move them. This is insane.

np: I agree. I have a girl and a boy. People are so right when they say girls mature faster than boys. They are not twins (girl is older) but I could see there was a real difference in their maturity at the same age. My DS also went to a preschool where they loved to send boys for evaluations and therapy. One year I think half the class was in some kind of therapy (speech, OT, para) and yes, it was 90 percent boys. I think every boy except one. I wasted so much time wondering "is my son normal?" Fast forward to K/1st grade, the differences have evened out.

This school sounds like way too much pressure on little kids.

Thanks. I'm also cognizant of the fact that boys are overwhelmingly the ones judged deficient in early schooling. During my daughter's glowing parent-teacher discussions, it occurred to me that virtually every metric they were evaluating the children on were things that girls were naturally going to be better at. Meanwhile, my son could count to 100 by age two. He loves letters and numbers and concepts.

Then again, there are other boys in his class who are doing fine. Apparently only two kids have been asked to leave this school in its five-year history. Looks like my boy will be number three.

Again, I don't want to let wishful thinking prevent me from getting my son the expert help he needs, if indeed he needs help. But these thoughts have occurred to me--it seems that young boys are being thought of as defective girls at this stage in their development, and I don't think that's fair.

--Jeff Morris

[Anonymous]

I'm a huge fan of montessori - I went to one and both my kids did.
But that doesn't matter at all if your kid isn't happy and thriving. It doesn't sound like this is the right school for your son - so it's time to find a different one. (And I'd move your daughter too, as she'll probably be fine anywhere, and having them at two different schools sounds like a nightmare)

That decision is different from the question of his delays. As a PP said, your description of his verbal skills raises some flags, and is worth keeping an eye on. So maybe try a change in schools, wait six months, and see how you feel then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone,

Thank you for all the replies. I should add that both our twins started at this school in what is essentially the "infant" class--the starter classroom, with kids as young as 18 months. Once they demonstrate enough self-sufficiency in that class, they "graduate" to the class that is largely made up of 3-5 year olds, in which there are fewer teachers to students. My son is still in that first class and apparently shows little signs of being ready to move on, according to them, while my daughter has moved on to the 3-5 year old class.

I also feel like all this stress and judgment about a kid who literally just turned three less than a month ago is frankly a bit nuts. And it's certainly taking its toll on me--I can think about virtually nothing else all day other than, "Is my son normal?" But I don't want to make excuses and I don't want blind optimism or wishful thinking to prevent us from taking action to help him along in his development, if in fact that's what he needs.

Again, thank you all. It helps to have a forum in which to talk about this.

Follow this instinct, OP. This IS NUTS. Find another school- doesn't really matter whether it's montessori or play based. But move them. This is insane.

np: I agree. I have a girl and a boy. People are so right when they say girls mature faster than boys. They are not twins (girl is older) but I could see there was a real difference in their maturity at the same age. My DS also went to a preschool where they loved to send boys for evaluations and therapy. One year I think half the class was in some kind of therapy (speech, OT, para) and yes, it was 90 percent boys. I think every boy except one. I wasted so much time wondering "is my son normal?" Fast forward to K/1st grade, the differences have evened out.

This school sounds like way too much pressure on little kids.

Thanks. I'm also cognizant of the fact that boys are overwhelmingly the ones judged deficient in early schooling. During my daughter's glowing parent-teacher discussions, it occurred to me that virtually every metric they were evaluating the children on were things that girls were naturally going to be better at. Meanwhile, my son could count to 100 by age two. He loves letters and numbers and concepts.

Then again, there are other boys in his class who are doing fine. Apparently only two kids have been asked to leave this school in its five-year history. Looks like my boy will be number three.

Again, I don't want to let wishful thinking prevent me from getting my son the expert help he needs, if indeed he needs help. But these thoughts have occurred to me--it seems that young boys are being thought of as defective girls at this stage in their development, and I don't think that's fair.

--Jeff Morris

pp: sounds a lot like my boy, who could also count to 100 early on and knew all his letters and sounds too. He was a kid who was very interested in abstract things, I suppose? Now very good at math, was an early reader. But at that age, yeah, I could not hold a conversation with him. He repeated a lot of phrases. He talked about what he wanted to talk about, and did not care about following the direction of his conversational partner. My girl was much more socially aware. I was worried that he was on the spectrum, because preschool kept flagging these things, but he wasn't. He simply matured more slowly in those areas, and much more quickly in academic areas. Now he's five and I can absolutely have a conversation with him and he plays well with friends.

I would get an evaluation for your peace of mind, but wouldn't be so worried if your preschool keeps harping on these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

pp: sounds a lot like my boy, who could also count to 100 early on and knew all his letters and sounds too. He was a kid who was very interested in abstract things, I suppose? Now very good at math, was an early reader. But at that age, yeah, I could not hold a conversation with him. He repeated a lot of phrases. He talked about what he wanted to talk about, and did not care about following the direction of his conversational partner. My girl was much more socially aware. I was worried that he was on the spectrum, because preschool kept flagging these things, but he wasn't. He simply matured more slowly in those areas, and much more quickly in academic areas. Now he's five and I can absolutely have a conversation with him and he plays well with friends.

I would get an evaluation for your peace of mind, but wouldn't be so worried if your preschool keeps harping on these things.

Thanks, that's good to hear, and describes my son to a tee. I should add that while he still does a lot of verbal parroting and repetition, he does it less than he did a year ago, and he also often expresses his needs and observations in perfectly clear sentences. He's just not consistent. This same school also was convinced he didn't know his own name, because he didn't respond consistently to it. Secretly I thought, "Maybe he's just ignoring you?"

--Jeff Morris

[Anonymous]

I don't think Montessori is a good fit for a son like yours. You can find another preschool that values social learning, outdoor activities, concrete play based academics, and all the other things Montessori is known for in a smaller classroom atmosphere that is more language and play based. I generally don't think 3 year olds are ready for a Montessori classroom and your child seems like one of the kids that would be left behind on activities and also not develop the necessary social and language skills in a classroom like that.

[Anonymous]

I am a Montessori kid and we ended up with 1 Montessori child and 1 Emilio Reggio child based on their temperaments/ skills. But ultimately ime the director sets the tone for the school.

I wouldn’t rush into worrying about diagnoses for your child, the term developmental delay gets thrown around a lot when kids are just developing unevenly/ differently from the “norm”. It would be harder to have a twin I think as a constant comparison in teacher’s minds.

Also as an FYI- you have been signing your posts with your name. Jeff can remove that for you.

[Anonymous]

Op, my son was kicked out of a well known Montessori school at 3. They also expressed serious concerns for his development. In the end,our pediatrician told us she has seen many kids who don’t thrive in the Montessori system and told us to hold off the big evaluation and just move him to a more traditional play based school first. Our second preschool is part of a private school and we’re still here 6 years later. And he was always very advanced academically as well. Needless to say, we never needed an developmental evaluation for him.

All of this is to say Montessori doesn’t work for many kids. Getting him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician may be a good idea but it may simply be a bad fit.

[Anonymous]

DD is in her fifth (and last) year of Montessori. Even though it has the reputation of being progressive I actually find it very strict in some ways. I've always thought it was a tough place for active boys. The requirement to focus on one activity seems really onerous at age three. I've seen a lot of boys in her class act out because it's not the right environment for them. Definitely don't move him up to the 3 +year old class. My very mature DD had a horrible first year in that classroom. It's big and there are a lot of social issues that come with being around kids who are three years older that a 3 year old just can't navigate. Montessori has a lot of pluses but I definitely see its downsides.