Would you want to know if your spouse was having an affair?

[Anonymous]

I swear this is posted on a quarterly basis.

The answer is deeply personal and beaten to death in this forum.

[Anonymous]

Man here:
If my DW had a one-time fling, I wouldn’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss. She can make it up to me with unexpected dirty sex, if she needs to assuage her guilt. I’ve already told my DW all of this.

If my DW was having a serious long-term affair and was in love with someone else, then yes, I’d want to know. I would want to be able to move on with my life.

Here’s my advice to people who may occasionally make a mistake: don’t get caught. Don’t blow up your spouse’s life. Don’t rope in any mutual friends or acquaintances, either as a sexual partner or as a witness to you out on the town with someone else. Don’t advertise yourself on dating apps. And don’t bring anything home with you.

Basically, protect your spouse’s health and reputation at all costs. The best way to do that is not to cheat. But slipping up is waaaaaay more common than any of us realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it matter if the person is a stay at home wife? I feel like I need to tell her. No it’s no me or my husband nor will it effect me in any way. I just feel so bad for this person and her husband is a dirtbag for doing this.

I know two WOHMs who got cheated on and subsequently divorced. I also know one SAHM and one WOHM who also cheated on their spouses and got divorced. What does it prove? Nothing. You should not feel compelled to tell the SAHW, unless you and your husband want to start a GOFUNDME in her name. Because no one needs your attitude.

Whoa, what? What attitude? Op here by the way. I just don’t want to ruin her life. Maybe it won’t ruin it. I was just thinking as well that maybe what you don’t know won’t hurt you? She seems happy and is raising the kids and I am not sure I want to drop the hammer on her. No attitude coming from me, I am genuinely concerned what is the right thing to do for her.

If she is raising children then she is a stay at home mom, not a stay at home wife.

And no, it does not make a difference at all.

Yes, I would want to know.

[Anonymous]

If it was truly over or a one time fling, no. If it was a long-term, ongoing affair and he was in love with her, yes. As far as an outsider letting the cheated spouse know (what they think they know), MYOB. Too many busy-bodies...

[Anonymous]

One night stand no I wouldn't want to know. Sustained affair with one person? Yes I'd want to know.

[Anonymous]

I want to know in any scenario. And anybody who knew and chose not to tell me is immediately dead to me.

[Anonymous]

It was really humiliating to find out that my spouse had been lying to me for months but that other people knew and were discussing me behind my back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here:
If my DW had a one-time fling, I wouldn’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss. She can make it up to me with unexpected dirty sex, if she needs to assuage her guilt. I’ve already told my DW all of this.

If my DW was having a serious long-term affair and was in love with someone else, then yes, I’d want to know. I would want to be able to move on with my life.

Here’s my advice to people who may occasionally make a mistake: don’t get caught. Don’t blow up your spouse’s life. Don’t rope in any mutual friends or acquaintances, either as a sexual partner or as a witness to you out on the town with someone else. Don’t advertise yourself on dating apps. And don’t bring anything home with you.

Basically, protect your spouse’s health and reputation at all costs. The best way to do that is not to cheat. But slipping up is waaaaaay more common than any of us realize.

Correct. In fact, when my DH's affair came out, the first thing out of my mouth was "How could you be so stupid?"

Meaning why didn't you hide it better, you dumbass.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely not want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here:
If my DW had a one-time fling, I wouldn’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss. She can make it up to me with unexpected dirty sex, if she needs to assuage her guilt. I’ve already told my DW all of this.

If my DW was having a serious long-term affair and was in love with someone else, then yes, I’d want to know. I would want to be able to move on with my life.

Here’s my advice to people who may occasionally make a mistake: don’t get caught. Don’t blow up your spouse’s life. Don’t rope in any mutual friends or acquaintances, either as a sexual partner or as a witness to you out on the town with someone else. Don’t advertise yourself on dating apps. And don’t bring anything home with you.

Basically, protect your spouse’s health and reputation at all costs. The best way to do that is not to cheat. But slipping up is waaaaaay more common than any of us realize.

Man here, exactly what I would have written. Plus 1

[Anonymous]

If she is at risk of STDs, she should know.

If she will never reconcile, it wastes her time not to know.

If she wants to save her marriage, it is better to deal with it before the affair becomes more and more entrenched.

I say tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man here:
If my DW had a one-time fling, I wouldn’t want to know. Ignorance is bliss. She can make it up to me with unexpected dirty sex, if she needs to assuage her guilt. I’ve already told my DW all of this.

If my DW was having a serious long-term affair and was in love with someone else, then yes, I’d want to know. I would want to be able to move on with my life.

Here’s my advice to people who may occasionally make a mistake: don’t get caught. Don’t blow up your spouse’s life. Don’t rope in any mutual friends or acquaintances, either as a sexual partner or as a witness to you out on the town with someone else. Don’t advertise yourself on dating apps. And don’t bring anything home with you.

Basically, protect your spouse’s health and reputation at all costs. The best way to do that is not to cheat. But slipping up is waaaaaay more common than any of us realize.

I'd almost agree with this guy if he said "slipped up once" rather than "occasionally making a mistake." Once is a mistake you learned from and felt so horrible about that you resolved never to do it again. Occasionally means you're dabbling in it, and haven't felt the conviction to commit to "never again."

To this guy's point in the context of the OP, if someone who is not the one having the affair, or the person they are having it with, knows about it and is wondering whether to tell, the point about "protecting your spouse's reputation" is already shot, because someone outside the affair knows. So tell.

[Anonymous]

Cheating isn't a mistake, it's well planned. It's a serious act of betrayal whereby the marriage is forever ruined. You can't ever trust that person again, they've seriously put their partners health at risk. Furthermore, I would be grossed out to sleep with them again. It sucks because I've had friends that had to stay because of kids and finances. Not wanting their kids in two homes around who knows who, so they fake it. Basically cheaters also cheat on themselves. They cheat themselves out of a good marriage they could have had. So they end up miserable as well, all self inflicted.

[Anonymous]

It depends on if you actually know there is an affair or if you are spreading gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on if you actually know there is an affair or if you are spreading gossip.

My STBXW had a extra marital affair with a married partner and I caught them without her knowing. I just had to because after 10 years of marriage and two kids, I deserved to know and close that chapter of my life. Unfortunately, my STBXW still denies she is having an affair and plays the innocent card. As the story goes, karma will come around.