If your child with SN was bullied by another child did the parents apologize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS, who is 8, has been hit, pushed and called names by a group of older boys at his school. His awkwardness and big reactions make him a frequent target. The recess aide is on top of it and has sent these boys to the principal's office a few times. They sometimes try to provoke him as individuals and sometimes in pairs or a larger group of 4-5. These boys are very polite to adults and are considered "nice" boys in the neighborhood. Never once received an apology from the parents even though I see them around often. I'm starting to feel like they think they don't owe DS an apology because he's odd and has special needs and therefore deserves to be treated badly. The principal has had to call their parents several times already. Is this normal parent behavior?

Are you sure that the parents know who to apologize to? When my DC got in trouble for interacting inappropriately with another child, I wanted to apologize to the parents and I wanted to work with them to have my DC apologize directly to the other child. The principal refused to reveal who the child was due to privacy reasons. I guess I can understand that not every parent would respond in a positive manner like I hoped to, and not every victim parent wants to have further interaction even if well-intentioned.

In another situation, I made sure my child apologized directly to the child he hurt and the parents. However, the boys were old enough that I didn't apologize to the parents myself, whom I knew only slightly and perceived as somewhat unstable people. The boys were older, and my personal parenting philosophy was that my child did the action and my child needed to make it right directly with the other child. My contribution as a parent was to do a lot of explaining to my child about why what he did was wrong and how to apologize effectively and make it clear what I expected in terms of his future behavior and consequences from me if something similar happened again. This took multiple conversations and practice and that effort wasn't visible to the victim's parents, so I'm pretty sure they thought I was a terrible parent.

So, there are different reasons you might not be getting an apology, not necessarily due to "bad parenting".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure that the parents know who to apologize to?

Yes. DH considered filing a bullying report because there were so many incidents but we held off because we know the parents. We were surprised when they didn't reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting contrast between this thread and the other active thread:

Here: They're assholes, they should apologize (but they may not know your child).

Other thread: I am not discussing my child at all!

FWIW, I am the special needs parent on the other thread who doesn't discuss my kid with other parents (unless they also have SN kids too or I know/trust them.) If my child were being bullied I would not expect an apology from other parents because I know that apologies are completely useless. I would expect the SCHOOL to address the issue. I would love it if the other parents approached me collaboratively to discuss ways to address bullying and especially to try to get more resources from the school, but I understand that is not likely to happen, so I would not expect it.

So you'd be happy to discuss their child's bullying, but not your own child's behavior?

This is very sad. Some of these parents need to see that how often their SN kids become isolated and sad at school, because of these missteps by them and school authorities. I guess we all have our own cross to bear. There are SN kids with their own unique issues, but inevitably, it impacts how their parents interact with others. I am saying this as a parent whose own kids are not SN and cannot imagine the hardship SN children parents undergo.

[Anonymous]

Can you explain what you are talking about? You seem to have a good point but it's not clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting contrast between this thread and the other active thread:

Here: They're assholes, they should apologize (but they may not know your child).

Other thread: I am not discussing my child at all!

FWIW, I am the special needs parent on the other thread who doesn't discuss my kid with other parents (unless they also have SN kids too or I know/trust them.) If my child were being bullied I would not expect an apology from other parents because I know that apologies are completely useless. I would expect the SCHOOL to address the issue. I would love it if the other parents approached me collaboratively to discuss ways to address bullying and especially to try to get more resources from the school, but I understand that is not likely to happen, so I would not expect it.

So you'd be happy to discuss their child's bullying, but not your own child's behavior?

This is very sad. Some of these parents need to see that how often their SN kids become isolated and sad at school, because of these missteps by them and school authorities. I guess we all have our own cross to bear. There are SN kids with their own unique issues, but inevitably, it impacts how their parents interact with others. I am saying this as a parent whose own kids are not SN and cannot imagine the hardship SN children parents undergo.

What point are you trying to make? I can assure you that the vast majority of SN parents are trying their hardest. 'm not sure what "missteps" you're judging them for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting contrast between this thread and the other active thread:

Here: They're assholes, they should apologize (but they may not know your child).

Other thread: I am not discussing my child at all!

FWIW, I am the special needs parent on the other thread who doesn't discuss my kid with other parents (unless they also have SN kids too or I know/trust them.) If my child were being bullied I would not expect an apology from other parents because I know that apologies are completely useless. I would expect the SCHOOL to address the issue. I would love it if the other parents approached me collaboratively to discuss ways to address bullying and especially to try to get more resources from the school, but I understand that is not likely to happen, so I would not expect it.

So you'd be happy to discuss their child's bullying, but not your own child's behavior?

If it was my SN kid's behavior? I might be willing with the right parent in the right setting to talk about it if I thought it was in any ways going to be productive. But that's rare and never happened in my experience. In fact the opposite is true -- I reached out with apologies and got ignored. So that was that.

My ultimate point is that if my kid has a problem (or is causing a problem) in school, I expect the school to address it. Beefs or ritualistic apologies between parents aren't going to help.

[Anonymous]

Parents who are seeking out apologies are essentially looking for "justice" They're not trying to solve a problem; they're trying to fulfill a need to see the other child/parent punished in some way and feel themselves vindicated. Even if this is just in the form of yelling at the parent or demanding an apology.

[Anonymous]

I see nothing wrong in trying to see justice in this situation. The parents not apologizing makes it seem like they are not punishing their children and therefore supporting this abhorrent behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting contrast between this thread and the other active thread:

Here: They're assholes, they should apologize (but they may not know your child).

Other thread: I am not discussing my child at all!

FWIW, I am the special needs parent on the other thread who doesn't discuss my kid with other parents (unless they also have SN kids too or I know/trust them.) If my child were being bullied I would not expect an apology from other parents because I know that apologies are completely useless. I would expect the SCHOOL to address the issue. I would love it if the other parents approached me collaboratively to discuss ways to address bullying and especially to try to get more resources from the school, but I understand that is not likely to happen, so I would not expect it.

So you'd be happy to discuss their child's bullying, but not your own child's behavior?

If it was my SN kid's behavior? I might be willing with the right parent in the right setting to talk about it if I thought it was in any ways going to be productive. But that's rare and never happened in my experience. In fact the opposite is true -- I reached out with apologies and got ignored. So that was that.

My ultimate point is that if my kid has a problem (or is causing a problem) in school, I expect the school to address it. Beefs or ritualistic apologies between parents aren't going to help.

DP. I'm not sure how you can say that. Offering an apology doesn't have to lead to anything more, it can be an end in itself. And it may help the other child or parent. I wouldn't write off a ritualistic apology simply because you saw no benefit from it. That seems to be what OP is looking for, at least.

[Anonymous]

No. School issues need to be handle in school for many reasons but mostly confidentiality.

That is one reason why I don't think parents should be in the classroom, they should not be talking about kids activities in the classroom/school outside of the classroom.

I actually had a parent assault my child and I did not want her to apologize to me, though she found my phone number and called and called. This should be and was handled by the principal in the school during school hours and she was banned from being inside the school.

Most parents don't know what is developmentally normal behavior and parents are way too emotional about their own child. Parent to parent contact should be minimized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting contrast between this thread and the other active thread:

Here: They're assholes, they should apologize (but they may not know your child).

Other thread: I am not discussing my child at all!

FWIW, I am the special needs parent on the other thread who doesn't discuss my kid with other parents (unless they also have SN kids too or I know/trust them.) If my child were being bullied I would not expect an apology from other parents because I know that apologies are completely useless. I would expect the SCHOOL to address the issue. I would love it if the other parents approached me collaboratively to discuss ways to address bullying and especially to try to get more resources from the school, but I understand that is not likely to happen, so I would not expect it.

So you'd be happy to discuss their child's bullying, but not your own child's behavior?

If it was my SN kid's behavior? I might be willing with the right parent in the right setting to talk about it if I thought it was in any ways going to be productive. But that's rare and never happened in my experience. In fact the opposite is true -- I reached out with apologies and got ignored. So that was that.

My ultimate point is that if my kid has a problem (or is causing a problem) in school, I expect the school to address it. Beefs or ritualistic apologies between parents aren't going to help.

DP. I'm not sure how you can say that. Offering an apology doesn't have to lead to anything more, it can be an end in itself. And it may help the other child or parent. I wouldn't write off a ritualistic apology simply because you saw no benefit from it. That seems to be what OP is looking for, at least.

I honestly think apologies do very little for anyone except maybe the offended parents in the moment. An apology (especially if forced or offered out of shame) does nothing to actually help the parent address the child's behavior. Frankly apologies may help because it makes the other parent feel vindicated to see how horrified I feel ... and tbh sometimes I don't feel like I need to do that "emotional labor."

[Anonymous]

As a parent who makes their child apologize I believe it forces my child to take responsibility and ownership of her mistake. It takes a lot self-reflection to be able to confront the person you have wronged and explain why you were wrong.

It is also a way for DD to show that she respects and values the other child's feelings especially if her mistake involves teasing in anyway It's not about punishing her or making the other parents feel "vindicated."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting contrast between this thread and the other active thread:

Here: They're assholes, they should apologize (but they may not know your child).

Other thread: I am not discussing my child at all!

FWIW, I am the special needs parent on the other thread who doesn't discuss my kid with other parents (unless they also have SN kids too or I know/trust them.) If my child were being bullied I would not expect an apology from other parents because I know that apologies are completely useless. I would expect the SCHOOL to address the issue. I would love it if the other parents approached me collaboratively to discuss ways to address bullying and especially to try to get more resources from the school, but I understand that is not likely to happen, so I would not expect it.

So you'd be happy to discuss their child's bullying, but not your own child's behavior?

If it was my SN kid's behavior? I might be willing with the right parent in the right setting to talk about it if I thought it was in any ways going to be productive. But that's rare and never happened in my experience. In fact the opposite is true -- I reached out with apologies and got ignored. So that was that.

My ultimate point is that if my kid has a problem (or is causing a problem) in school, I expect the school to address it. Beefs or ritualistic apologies between parents aren't going to help.

DP. I'm not sure how you can say that. Offering an apology doesn't have to lead to anything more, it can be an end in itself. And it may help the other child or parent. I wouldn't write off a ritualistic apology simply because you saw no benefit from it. That seems to be what OP is looking for, at least.

I honestly think apologies do very little for anyone except maybe the offended parents in the moment. An apology (especially if forced or offered out of shame) does nothing to actually help the parent address the child's behavior. Frankly apologies may help because it makes the other parent feel vindicated to see how horrified I feel ... and tbh sometimes I don't feel like I need to do that "emotional labor."

An apology is part of the rules of civil society. Manners smooth over problems, make things work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent who makes their child apologize I believe it forces my child to take responsibility and ownership of her mistake. It takes a lot self-reflection to be able to confront the person you have wronged and explain why you were wrong.

It is also a way for DD to show that she respects and values the other child's feelings especially if her mistake involves teasing in anyway It's not about punishing her or making the other parents feel "vindicated."

Well, then, what is the point of the parent apologizing? The parent didn't bully the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents who are seeking out apologies are essentially looking for "justice" They're not trying to solve a problem; they're trying to fulfill a need to see the other child/parent punished in some way and feel themselves vindicated. Even if this is just in the form of yelling at the parent or demanding an apology.

I agree with this.

OP, you are assuming a lot here. You are assuming you know who did the bullying, what happened exactly, what the other parents know and the details of what each party did and didn't do, including the school. If you are looking to protect your child, go through formal, school channels. The rest of this is justice seeking.