Temporarily separating

[Anonymous]

How's the sex?

[Anonymous]

My wife moved out and left me with the kids so she could find herself back to me.

We divorced six months later. I still have the kids. She takes them when I go on business travel.

After the hurt went away I am SO much happier! Don’t know why I put up with her crap for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved out on my DH and only after that, did he agree to therapy. The therapist made it clear without saying so that once one person has already moved out, it's much harder to come back together. And in the end, we did not. Just one anecdote for you.

Agree. It is not an ultimatum. It is just a step to divorce. The guy will love it since all his household and child raising responsibilities went away— mom will take care if that and he can show up for fun dinners and weekend activities—and he can refocus on working late/his career plus dating and acting like a victim of a crazy ex wife. The woman will just keep on running a busy household, raising and parenting her kids and her full time job as well. Oh and will be a secretary for her ex husband’s “Co parenting” schedule.

You seem very sexist. Many men want 50/50 custody. You might not have kids because many men want to see their children. And not sure why getting divorced would mean the man’s household responsibilities are going away. He’d need to hire a cleaning service for that.

Most men don’t believe it but... there are a shit-ton more family, kid, and household responsibilities than the cleaning of the house...

[Anonymous]

I think you have to separate with the mindset that the marriage is over.

Otherwise, it just becomes another (expensive, traumatizing) step in your dance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved out on my DH and only after that, did he agree to therapy. The therapist made it clear without saying so that once one person has already moved out, it's much harder to come back together. And in the end, we did not. Just one anecdote for you.

Agree. It is not an ultimatum. It is just a step to divorce. The guy will love it since all his household and child raising responsibilities went away— mom will take care if that and he can show up for fun dinners and weekend activities—and he can refocus on working late/his career plus dating and acting like a victim of a crazy ex wife. The woman will just keep on running a busy household, raising and parenting her kids and her full time job as well. Oh and will be a secretary for her ex husband’s “Co parenting” schedule.

This is spot on for myself and everyone of my girlfriends. We take on the full mental load of scheduling, school activities, doctor’s appointments, clothing the children, carpool arrangements, school projects, etc....our Exes or STBXs have DCs every other weekend (often canceling)...can barely take them to things like a game or Birthday party....have to text us to see when it is despite it being clearly marked on the calendar. They do not do laundry, feed the kids Pizza or other takeout, do not enforce bedtime and it’s a free for all with the screens. The DCs come home and we get to deal with them being tired and having homework that is not been done. There is only one exception to this I personally know of and that is where the Mother left and moved to Europe. The Dad has an Au Pair and a a Nanny as well as a house cleaner.

[Anonymous]

The statistics aren't good for reconciliation. Once you separate, something like 95% of couples proceed to divorce.

My ex insisted in separation and swore up and down he wanted to use the time to clear his head and find it in him to work in the marriage. Turns out, clearing his head involved going public with the affair he was having with his married secretary.

Once I realized what he was doing, I filed for divorce and served him with papers. He cried to his mother that I didn't even give him a chance to change his mind, lol.

So yeah..... if you separate, just go into it eyes wide open that it will almost certainly end in divorce. If you aren't ready for that, continue therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP here. For a little more context, and answering of some questions......DH is very mentally and emotionally abusive. It's been going on for years, and has totally wreaked havoc on my self esteem. After finally getting therapy and further understanding what's going on I feel like I need space to further build myself back up. DH and I are also in couples therapy. The couples therapy seems to be helping him understand my major complaints over the years and areas where his behavior and thinking is off base. He is just now starting to try in the marriage. The problem is that for me the damage has been done, and I need to recover. I have suffered severe depression as a result of the abuse. I don't have the fortitude to heal myself while he is working out his issues. Because even though he is trying and improving he still makes mistakes that are abusive.

We have a child. He has a very strong relationship with our kid. I would hate to permanently disrupt our family life. At the same time I don't want the abuse that has been taking place to be normalized. Before calling it quits I want to know I did everything possible to save my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved out on my DH and only after that, did he agree to therapy. The therapist made it clear without saying so that once one person has already moved out, it's much harder to come back together. And in the end, we did not. Just one anecdote for you.

Agree. It is not an ultimatum. It is just a step to divorce. The guy will love it since all his household and child raising responsibilities went away— mom will take care if that and he can show up for fun dinners and weekend activities—and he can refocus on working late/his career plus dating and acting like a victim of a crazy ex wife. The woman will just keep on running a busy household, raising and parenting her kids and her full time job as well. Oh and will be a secretary for her ex husband’s “Co parenting” schedule.

This is spot on for myself and everyone of my girlfriends. We take on the full mental load of scheduling, school activities, doctor’s appointments, clothing the children, carpool arrangements, school projects, etc....our Exes or STBXs have DCs every other weekend (often canceling)...can barely take them to things like a game or Birthday party....have to text us to see when it is despite it being clearly marked on the calendar. They do not do laundry, feed the kids Pizza or other takeout, do not enforce bedtime and it’s a free for all with the screens. The DCs come home and we get to deal with them being tired and having homework that is not been done. There is only one exception to this I personally know of and that is where the Mother left and moved to Europe. The Dad has an Au Pair and a a Nanny as well as a house cleaner.

Yep and Yep. It's bachelor days plus Disney Dad weekends and dinners out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved out on my DH and only after that, did he agree to therapy. The therapist made it clear without saying so that once one person has already moved out, it's much harder to come back together. And in the end, we did not. Just one anecdote for you.

Agree. It is not an ultimatum. It is just a step to divorce. The guy will love it since all his household and child raising responsibilities went away— mom will take care if that and he can show up for fun dinners and weekend activities—and he can refocus on working late/his career plus dating and acting like a victim of a crazy ex wife. The woman will just keep on running a busy household, raising and parenting her kids and her full time job as well. Oh and will be a secretary for her ex husband’s “Co parenting” schedule.

This is spot on for myself and everyone of my girlfriends. We take on the full mental load of scheduling, school activities, doctor’s appointments, clothing the children, carpool arrangements, school projects, etc....our Exes or STBXs have DCs every other weekend (often canceling)...can barely take them to things like a game or Birthday party....have to text us to see when it is despite it being clearly marked on the calendar. They do not do laundry, feed the kids Pizza or other takeout, do not enforce bedtime and it’s a free for all with the screens. The DCs come home and we get to deal with them being tired and having homework that is not been done. There is only one exception to this I personally know of and that is where the Mother left and moved to Europe. The Dad has an Au Pair and a a Nanny as well as a house cleaner.

Yep and Yep. It's bachelor days plus Disney Dad weekends and dinners out.

So, in other words, you want your exDH to only have his kids a couple of times a month but you want an equal split in childcare responsibilities? How about the kids live with him full time and you get them every other weekend? Seems like things would sort themselves out pretty naturally, don't you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little more context, and answering of some questions......DH is very mentally and emotionally abusive. It's been going on for years, and has totally wreaked havoc on my self esteem. After finally getting therapy and further understanding what's going on I feel like I need space to further build myself back up. DH and I are also in couples therapy. The couples therapy seems to be helping him understand my major complaints over the years and areas where his behavior and thinking is off base. He is just now starting to try in the marriage. The problem is that for me the damage has been done, and I need to recover. I have suffered severe depression as a result of the abuse. I don't have the fortitude to heal myself while he is working out his issues. Because even though he is trying and improving he still makes mistakes that are abusive.

We have a child. He has a very strong relationship with our kid. I would hate to permanently disrupt our family life. At the same time I don't want the abuse that has been taking place to be normalized. Before calling it quits I want to know I did everything possible to save my marriage.

How do you see this temporary separation playing out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved out on my DH and only after that, did he agree to therapy. The therapist made it clear without saying so that once one person has already moved out, it's much harder to come back together. And in the end, we did not. Just one anecdote for you.

Agree. It is not an ultimatum. It is just a step to divorce. The guy will love it since all his household and child raising responsibilities went away— mom will take care if that and he can show up for fun dinners and weekend activities—and he can refocus on working late/his career plus dating and acting like a victim of a crazy ex wife. The woman will just keep on running a busy household, raising and parenting her kids and her full time job as well. Oh and will be a secretary for her ex husband’s “Co parenting” schedule.

This is spot on for myself and everyone of my girlfriends. We take on the full mental load of scheduling, school activities, doctor’s appointments, clothing the children, carpool arrangements, school projects, etc....our Exes or STBXs have DCs every other weekend (often canceling)...can barely take them to things like a game or Birthday party....have to text us to see when it is despite it being clearly marked on the calendar. They do not do laundry, feed the kids Pizza or other takeout, do not enforce bedtime and it’s a free for all with the screens. The DCs come home and we get to deal with them being tired and having homework that is not been done. There is only one exception to this I personally know of and that is where the Mother left and moved to Europe. The Dad has an Au Pair and a a Nanny as well as a house cleaner.

This is your fault. NO ONE is making you responsible for all of these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved out on my DH and only after that, did he agree to therapy. The therapist made it clear without saying so that once one person has already moved out, it's much harder to come back together. And in the end, we did not. Just one anecdote for you.

Agree. It is not an ultimatum. It is just a step to divorce. The guy will love it since all his household and child raising responsibilities went away— mom will take care if that and he can show up for fun dinners and weekend activities—and he can refocus on working late/his career plus dating and acting like a victim of a crazy ex wife. The woman will just keep on running a busy household, raising and parenting her kids and her full time job as well. Oh and will be a secretary for her ex husband’s “Co parenting” schedule.

This is spot on for myself and everyone of my girlfriends. We take on the full mental load of scheduling, school activities, doctor’s appointments, clothing the children, carpool arrangements, school projects, etc....our Exes or STBXs have DCs every other weekend (often canceling)...can barely take them to things like a game or Birthday party....have to text us to see when it is despite it being clearly marked on the calendar. They do not do laundry, feed the kids Pizza or other takeout, do not enforce bedtime and it’s a free for all with the screens. The DCs come home and we get to deal with them being tired and having homework that is not been done. There is only one exception to this I personally know of and that is where the Mother left and moved to Europe. The Dad has an Au Pair and a a Nanny as well as a house cleaner.

This is your fault. NO ONE is making you responsible for all of these things.

Yep. Sure, there are some cases where exDHs want nothing to do with that stuff but there are PLENTY of exDHs that share in those duties just as well. There are plenty of 50/50 exDHs out there that truly share everything with exDWs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little more context, and answering of some questions......DH is very mentally and emotionally abusive. It's been going on for years, and has totally wreaked havoc on my self esteem. After finally getting therapy and further understanding what's going on I feel like I need space to further build myself back up. DH and I are also in couples therapy. The couples therapy seems to be helping him understand my major complaints over the years and areas where his behavior and thinking is off base. He is just now starting to try in the marriage. The problem is that for me the damage has been done, and I need to recover. I have suffered severe depression as a result of the abuse. I don't have the fortitude to heal myself while he is working out his issues. Because even though he is trying and improving he still makes mistakes that are abusive.

We have a child. He has a very strong relationship with our kid. I would hate to permanently disrupt our family life. At the same time I don't want the abuse that has been taking place to be normalized. Before calling it quits I want to know I did everything possible to save my marriage.

How do you see this temporary separation playing out?

OP here. I was thinking of moving out for 30-60 days while we still go to couples therapy and he goes to individual therapy. I need some time to get from under the thumb of the day to day abuse. So I can think straight and repair some of the damage that has been done. I was thinking that a separation would also give him time to work on himself if he chooses, without the added day to day burden of marital stress. If shows that he has been working on himself, and I feel I have gotten stronger, we could consider me moving back in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For a little more context, and answering of some questions......DH is very mentally and emotionally abusive. It's been going on for years, and has totally wreaked havoc on my self esteem. After finally getting therapy and further understanding what's going on I feel like I need space to further build myself back up. DH and I are also in couples therapy. The couples therapy seems to be helping him understand my major complaints over the years and areas where his behavior and thinking is off base. He is just now starting to try in the marriage. The problem is that for me the damage has been done, and I need to recover. I have suffered severe depression as a result of the abuse. I don't have the fortitude to heal myself while he is working out his issues. Because even though he is trying and improving he still makes mistakes that are abusive.

We have a child. He has a very strong relationship with our kid. I would hate to permanently disrupt our family life. At the same time I don't want the abuse that has been taking place to be normalized. Before calling it quits I want to know I did everything possible to save my marriage.

How do you see this temporary separation playing out?

OP here. I was thinking of moving out for 30-60 days while we still go to couples therapy and he goes to individual therapy. I need some time to get from under the thumb of the day to day abuse. So I can think straight and repair some of the damage that has been done. I was thinking that a separation would also give him time to work on himself if he chooses, without the added day to day burden of marital stress. If shows that he has been working on himself, and I feel I have gotten stronger, we could consider me moving back in.

That seems a reasonable plan, OP. Do you have your own therapist? I think that would be key as well, and necessary for planning going forward (regardless of outcome).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved out on my DH and only after that, did he agree to therapy. The therapist made it clear without saying so that once one person has already moved out, it's much harder to come back together. And in the end, we did not. Just one anecdote for you.

Agree. It is not an ultimatum. It is just a step to divorce. The guy will love it since all his household and child raising responsibilities went away— mom will take care if that and he can show up for fun dinners and weekend activities—and he can refocus on working late/his career plus dating and acting like a victim of a crazy ex wife. The woman will just keep on running a busy household, raising and parenting her kids and her full time job as well. Oh and will be a secretary for her ex husband’s “Co parenting” schedule.

This is spot on for myself and everyone of my girlfriends. We take on the full mental load of scheduling, school activities, doctor’s appointments, clothing the children, carpool arrangements, school projects, etc....our Exes or STBXs have DCs every other weekend (often canceling)...can barely take them to things like a game or Birthday party....have to text us to see when it is despite it being clearly marked on the calendar. They do not do laundry, feed the kids Pizza or other takeout, do not enforce bedtime and it’s a free for all with the screens. The DCs come home and we get to deal with them being tired and having homework that is not been done. There is only one exception to this I personally know of and that is where the Mother left and moved to Europe. The Dad has an Au Pair and a a Nanny as well as a house cleaner.

Yep and Yep. It's bachelor days plus Disney Dad weekends and dinners out.

So, in other words, you want your exDH to only have his kids a couple of times a month but you want an equal split in childcare responsibilities? How about the kids live with him full time and you get them every other weekend? Seems like things would sort themselves out pretty naturally, don't you think?

In a lot of marriages and then divorces, the husband never was capable of managing aspects of the kids or schedule beyond executing obvious tasks. So to suddenly put it on him (planning, managing, remembering) would be disastrous for the kids. He doesn’t make his own doctor, dentist, clean clothes, tidy up, sports sign up, remember to get to appts on time, for himself. How is he suddenly going to get it together for dependents after he already consistently failed to do so for years? He’d have to hurry up and grt a new girlfriend who wants to take care of him and everyone, or maybe move his 70 yo mom in w him.