Temporarily separating

[Anonymous]

Can we stop with the "my husband can never even pick up the kids at a designated time and couldn't run a vacuum if is ass depended on it" posts? Most of the guys I know are at events with their kids including one who took a bunch of twelve year old girls to a restaurant for a birthday party. And no, his wife did not make the reservation.

There are a lot if involved dads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I moved out on my DH and only after that, did he agree to therapy. The therapist made it clear without saying so that once one person has already moved out, it's much harder to come back together. And in the end, we did not. Just one anecdote for you.

Agree. It is not an ultimatum. It is just a step to divorce. The guy will love it since all his household and child raising responsibilities went away— mom will take care if that and he can show up for fun dinners and weekend activities—and he can refocus on working late/his career plus dating and acting like a victim of a crazy ex wife. The woman will just keep on running a busy household, raising and parenting her kids and her full time job as well. Oh and will be a secretary for her ex husband’s “Co parenting” schedule.

This is spot on for myself and everyone of my girlfriends. We take on the full mental load of scheduling, school activities, doctor’s appointments, clothing the children, carpool arrangements, school projects, etc....our Exes or STBXs have DCs every other weekend (often canceling)...can barely take them to things like a game or Birthday party....have to text us to see when it is despite it being clearly marked on the calendar. They do not do laundry, feed the kids Pizza or other takeout, do not enforce bedtime and it’s a free for all with the screens. The DCs come home and we get to deal with them being tired and having homework that is not been done. There is only one exception to this I personally know of and that is where the Mother left and moved to Europe. The Dad has an Au Pair and a a Nanny as well as a house cleaner.

Yep and Yep. It's bachelor days plus Disney Dad weekends and dinners out.

So, in other words, you want your exDH to only have his kids a couple of times a month but you want an equal split in childcare responsibilities? How about the kids live with him full time and you get them every other weekend? Seems like things would sort themselves out pretty naturally, don't you think?

In a lot of marriages and then divorces, the husband never was capable of managing aspects of the kids or schedule beyond executing obvious tasks. So to suddenly put it on him (planning, managing, remembering) would be disastrous for the kids. He doesn’t make his own doctor, dentist, clean clothes, tidy up, sports sign up, remember to get to appts on time, for himself. How is he suddenly going to get it together for dependents after he already consistently failed to do so for years? He’d have to hurry up and grt a new girlfriend who wants to take care of him and everyone, or maybe move his 70 yo mom in w him.

Unless a man has a disability he is capable of managing all of this. He just doesn’t want to and in the past has had someone who did it for him.

I don’t read anything here that would be disastrous for the kids. Even doctor’s appointments unless the child has a serious medical problem. Not going to the dentist isn’t a big deal. Even clothing. Eventually the man will experience a consequence for not handling his responsibilities and will improve.

I mean who helps the exDH dress himself in clean clothes? I’m guessing no one and he’s able to make it happen. Same with going to the doctor, having a somewhat clean home, etc.

I would divide up the responsibilities and let him pick which ones to do. Doctor, sports, clothing etc. Then completely ignore it going forward.

Seriously you women need to learn how to deal with men. They are very simple.

+1 It's like half these women need to think they're a superhero and that everyone would cease to exist if they weren't manning the ship. Newsflash--everyone will be fine.

+1.

[Anonymous]

My H and I did a temporary separation in year 3 of our marriage. I got my own apartment and we both started dating other people. We had no kids, so it was easier. We both realized we liked each other more than we realized. After dates with other people, we both kinda wanted to talk to each other about what a shit-show that person was. So, within 6 or 8 months we were only dating each other and when my lease ended we were back together.

We both still struggle sometimes, but now we’ve been together for almost 20 years and have a child. It just depends on what you want and why you need space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H and I did a temporary separation in year 3 of our marriage. I got my own apartment and we both started dating other people. We had no kids, so it was easier. We both realized we liked each other more than we realized. After dates with other people, we both kinda wanted to talk to each other about what a shit-show that person was. So, within 6 or 8 months we were only dating each other and when my lease ended we were back together.

We both still struggle sometimes, but now we’ve been together for almost 20 years and have a child. It just depends on what you want and why you need space.

Did you sleep with other men during the “break?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved out on my DH and only after that, did he agree to therapy. The therapist made it clear without saying so that once one person has already moved out, it's much harder to come back together. And in the end, we did not. Just one anecdote for you.

Agree. It is not an ultimatum. It is just a step to divorce. The guy will love it since all his household and child raising responsibilities went away— mom will take care if that and he can show up for fun dinners and weekend activities—and he can refocus on working late/his career plus dating and acting like a victim of a crazy ex wife. The woman will just keep on running a busy household, raising and parenting her kids and her full time job as well. Oh and will be a secretary for her ex husband’s “Co parenting” schedule.

This is spot on for myself and everyone of my girlfriends. We take on the full mental load of scheduling, school activities, doctor’s appointments, clothing the children, carpool arrangements, school projects, etc....our Exes or STBXs have DCs every other weekend (often canceling)...can barely take them to things like a game or Birthday party....have to text us to see when it is despite it being clearly marked on the calendar. They do not do laundry, feed the kids Pizza or other takeout, do not enforce bedtime and it’s a free for all with the screens. The DCs come home and we get to deal with them being tired and having homework that is not been done. There is only one exception to this I personally know of and that is where the Mother left and moved to Europe. The Dad has an Au Pair and a a Nanny as well as a house cleaner.

Yep and Yep. It's bachelor days plus Disney Dad weekends and dinners out.

So, in other words, you want your exDH to only have his kids a couple of times a month but you want an equal split in childcare responsibilities? How about the kids live with him full time and you get them every other weekend? Seems like things would sort themselves out pretty naturally, don't you think?

In a lot of marriages and then divorces, the husband never was capable of managing aspects of the kids or schedule beyond executing obvious tasks. So to suddenly put it on him (planning, managing, remembering) would be disastrous for the kids. He doesn’t make his own doctor, dentist, clean clothes, tidy up, sports sign up, remember to get to appts on time, for himself. How is he suddenly going to get it together for dependents after he already consistently failed to do so for years? He’d have to hurry up and grt a new girlfriend who wants to take care of him and everyone, or maybe move his 70 yo mom in w him.

Unless a man has a disability he is capable of managing all of this. He just doesn’t want to and in the past has had someone who did it for him.

I don’t read anything here that would be disastrous for the kids. Even doctor’s appointments unless the child has a serious medical problem. Not going to the dentist isn’t a big deal. Even clothing. Eventually the man will experience a consequence for not handling his responsibilities and will improve.

I mean who helps the exDH dress himself in clean clothes? I’m guessing no one and he’s able to make it happen. Same with going to the doctor, having a somewhat clean home, etc.

I would divide up the responsibilities and let him pick which ones to do. Doctor, sports, clothing etc. Then completely ignore it going forward.

Seriously you women need to learn how to deal with men. They are very simple.

The husband won’t experience the consequence, the kids will. The kids will be the ones with cavities. The kids will be the ones that smell and have too small clothes. The kids will be the ones that won’t be able to participate in activities bc dad forget to sign the permission slip or RSVP to the party.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm a divorced guy. My ex moved out of the house, and my son went back and forth between our places on a 2/2/5/5 schedule. At first, it was supposed to he a trial separation. But it was clear, when she moved out, it was over for us, so we soon initiated divorce proceedings. Your situation may be different, but I agree with PP that most women who leave already know the relationship is done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we stop with the "my husband can never even pick up the kids at a designated time and couldn't run a vacuum if is ass depended on it" posts? Most of the guys I know are at events with their kids including one who took a bunch of twelve year old girls to a restaurant for a birthday party. And no, his wife did not make the reservation.

There are a lot if involved dads.

So execution monkey showed up to the party when he was told too. Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If DH and I were to ever divorce, we’d do 50/50. 2 on/5 off. Mon-Tue/ Wed-Thu rotate Fri-Sun. Why? Because I would want to also have a life. We had a rough patch and I told him that there was no way he was only being a parent on the weekend. We ended up working it out. He’s a much more involved dad these days, too. I think him realizing that I’m also an individual not just a mom was eye opening for him.

We had this same discussion. He kept wanting to flip a switch during five weekdays and the weekend; he’d let all family, kid, household stuff pile up for The Weeknd and then forget half of it. Stuff was falling through the cracks, he word meant little, and he literally would still argue that he “wouldn’t want to deal w it until Saturday.” We’ll, most of the time Saturday was too late. He needed to move some of his weekend TV time to managing the home and life. Took him forever to get it together and it was not pretty.