At a loss with parent

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. She wants to get your goat, don’t let her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may have a personality disorder. Google borderline personality disorder and see if the description rings true at all. Either way, it's on you to not get sucked into the conversation. Just repeat "mom, I'm not talking about this" until she stops, and if she won't stop, hang up the phone or leave the room. You have some power here, use it.

We have long thought she is borderline. But like I said, she (and we as a family) has also experienced a lot of real tragedy, some related to that but a lot really not at all. So it is difficult to really cut her off because she has legitimate not manufactured issues and needs. I am very aware of the difference between the real issues and the manufactured ones.

I feel like as soon as I have mastered the walk away/redirect with one hot topic that is when she picks the new one. I am perfectly non reactive about my dad and my sister now, so then it's something new. She finds so much joy in her grandchildren, I WANT to provide her with opportunities to see them. I wish she could just hang out with them and not me.

OMG OP are you me? So many of these facts are similar, other than the religious angle and family tradegy. By the way, during the shutdown I got a constant barrage of texts and calls from mom asking me how I’m enjoying my cushy vacation, even though hubby and I were both furloughed and it hadn’t been clear at that point we’d be paid back. I have long suspected BPD with my mom too. She also repeats herself, like al lot and has for a s long as I can remember. She’s not dumb at all, but she repeats things even though she’know she’s doing it— it’s like a verbal tic. My husband the other day asked if she was experiencing mental decline (in her 70s) and I had to say not at all. To be honest, our relationships centers completely around my kids, and I’m fine with that. I don’t love talking about winter boot sizes and clothing she’s bought for my kids for so long , but I’d rather do that than talk about any number of things with her, including her politics. When we find ourselves alone, I redirect the convo to kids. My dad is still alive and very much a companion for her, so at this point at least I don’t feel bad about shutting her out of having a separate non-grandchild centric relationship with me. I have little desire for a separate relationship but want her to be able to be involved with my kids, who she adores and who adore her. I feel guilty but when I see her I just feel anxious and annoyed and GUILTY for feeling these things and for feeling little compassion. But yeah she’s a trumpeter who is very much buying into all the racism and xenophobia and she’s disgusted by democrats and Hilary and it’s so hard to listen to. I always get comments about “my people” the dems when I’m not super political just can’t stand the trump stuff and can’t stand patriarchy. Rant over!

[Anonymous]

Do not get worked up. She brings up a topic you've already made clear is off limits or you feel is inappropriate, say, "mom, I do not want to discuss that." If she keeps going, again, firm but neutral voice (NOT angry/worked up), "mom, I said we are not discussing that." If she keeps going, "mom, I'd live to talk to you about other issues, but since that isn't possible right now*, I am going to hang up. I love you and will talk to you again soon." Then hang up.

*not "because you can't do that right now" (firm, neutral, no blame)

Repeat as necessary. Key takeaways: do not become angry (you control your reaction to her, she does not control you), and disengage when necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not get worked up. She brings up a topic you've already made clear is off limits or you feel is inappropriate, say, "mom, I do not want to discuss that." If she keeps going, again, firm but neutral voice (NOT angry/worked up), "mom, I said we are not discussing that." If she keeps going, "mom, I'd live to talk to you about other issues, but since that isn't possible right now*, I am going to hang up. I love you and will talk to you again soon." Then hang up.

*not "because you can't do that right now" (firm, neutral, no blame)

Repeat as necessary. Key takeaways: do not become angry (you control your reaction to her, she does not control you), and disengage when necessary.

This id really good. And I'll add that you have to give up on making her understand where you are coming from. Just give it up. Let it go. There is no magical combination of words that -- if you try hard enough, and find it -- will get her to understand and agree with you on any of this. I'm not talking about the politics, but that this pattern of interaction is unhealthy.

You can't convince her, but you can set clear boundaries. It will be painful and weird for awhile, but it will eventually become the new normal. If you are consistent every time with the boundaries, it will get better.

[Anonymous]

Your mom and my mom should meet for coffee and talk politics and rant about how ignorant you and I are! My mom does some of those things. I am learning to change the subject calmly or say "we need to agree to disagree." She might then say "you are too sensitive" to which I respond calmly "Oh look at the time, I need to do X, y , z." My mother is downright insufferable and I realize she is flawed and has some very disturbing and selfish views. I still love her for the good qualities.

You have to either tune her out, change the subject or get out. Don't reinforce it. Reacting too much reinforces her nuttiness. I sometimes get a really zoned out look and use a flat voice to say "mmm. uh huh." and then sometimes she gets angry I won't do more. Detach from it. See the humor in her rants. Do whatever you need to do so it isn't personal. Maybe sing "let it go" in your head.

[Anonymous]

I learned this skill with my MIL and it has proved really useful. Just say your request very directly and very simply, no emotion. “Mom, I don’t want to get into politics with you. Please don’t bring it up.” Change subject to something completely neutral and benign. As a rule, keep her at arm’s length, share as little as possible, but always be polite, civil, kind. Always direct conversation to something neutral like weather or gardening.

She wants the drama-to get a rise-don’t give it. Be totally boring. Over time she will learn, but it takes time.