At a loss with parent

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry in advance that this brushes up against politics but I honestly can't think of a way to describe this problem without mentioning it.

I am a democrat, my mother is a self professed libertarian who, when she argues, sounds suspiciously like a right wing radio personality.

I feel so frustrated because we cannot seem to stop fighting about this. I really don't know what to do. About a year ago I decided what we needed to do was to just take all this stuff off the table and not talk about it at all. So I implemented a seriously strict rule about not EVER bringing it up. But she ALWAYS brings it up. Something bad happens to a democratic related person in the news, she will call me to gloat or 'get my take' (ie, Al Franken gets accused of assault and I get a call like, 'how do you feel about your people NOW').

I love my mom. She can be kind of a difficult person generally and we have not always had a great relationship (for reasons entirely separate from all of this). I think the root of this problem is that she is very religious and knows that most of my issues with the current administration are moral. I think that our President is not a very good person. And she then believes that I think she is not a very good person because she voted for him. In reality I understand that there are a lot of reasons she made that decision. I strongly disagree with it though and she knows it. So in some ways I feel like she's constantly trying to 'sell' me on her positions to convince me that my moral objections are wrong. To be clear I don't want this thread to devolve into whether I am right or she is right about the politics, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I don't think she's a bad person but that we disagree vehemently on politics in a way that makes her assume I think she's a bad person despite me telling her bluntly that I do not think that many times.

I just don't know what to do. I get sucked in when she brings it up, that is my bad, but I feel like she should be trying to meet me halfway. But I also kind of think she's not totally capable of that. I don't think this because she is an R or and L but because of a lifetime of her being someone who wants her kids to 'respect' her because she's the wise adult and because she just thinks about things always in the context of how it effects her. I know that is human nature but this is the theme of my life. My parents divorced when I was two and another long running fight/argument that has defined my life is how I should acknowledge that my dad is a worse parent than she is because she raised me (my dad was not the primary parent, he lived out of state and I visited in the summer/holidays but he was VERY emotionally present and paid child support until I graduated college). That of course is a complicated claim, she did do the vase majority of the legwork of parenting but I have never wanted to pick sides, but she thinks this is disloyal. Then we got over that but then it was my sister's boyfriend who was ripping the family apart. That is another long and complicated saga that we all fought about for years. Anyway we had kind of moved past all that and I was so relieved but now we're back down a new rabbit hole fight that will never end. I'm just wondering, will there always be something like this? Will she always be looking for a fight if we're not in perfect agreement on the entire world? For the record I'm a government employee in an enforcement agency and so work with people I disagree with politically ALL THE TIME. I fight with no one else about this really. A heated discussion here and there sure but there is no other person in my life regardless of politics that I have this pervasive wedge with. She says the same for herself. That she is able to have rational discussions about this with other people why not me?

She has had a lot of legitimately terrible things happen to her outside of her control so I have no desire to cut her off or add to that. But I can't even see her without being consumed with anxiety. We have a fight and my stomach is in knots for days. She also doesn't like my husband much because she thinks he has convinced me to turn on her or something when in reality he has been so supportive and has really helped me maintain my calm and happiness when I am around my family and reduced my overall anxiety about these things. He stays with me to protect me and I appreciate it but it kind of makes him a target. For example she hasn't told me this but has told other people that she doesn't think he really has a job and its a farce and that I am propping up our family. He has a job, this is a completely false premise.

I don't know what I'm hoping for here maybe just venting because once again we had a fight this week and then this morning she's done something to purposefully and kind of dramatically establish her value. Frequently after fights she will make some oversized gesture or discover a unrelated crisis that needs all of our attention instead of talking it out.

[Anonymous]

Stop taking her calls and limit contact with her for a while.

If she asks, simply say, Mom, you are causing a lot of stress in my life right now, and I need a break.

You do not have to take her emotional abuse just because she is your mom.

[Anonymous]

She may have a personality disorder. Google borderline personality disorder and see if the description rings true at all. Either way, it's on you to not get sucked into the conversation. Just repeat "mom, I'm not talking about this" until she stops, and if she won't stop, hang up the phone or leave the room. You have some power here, use it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may have a personality disorder. Google borderline personality disorder and see if the description rings true at all. Either way, it's on you to not get sucked into the conversation. Just repeat "mom, I'm not talking about this" until she stops, and if she won't stop, hang up the phone or leave the room. You have some power here, use it.

We have long thought she is borderline. But like I said, she (and we as a family) has also experienced a lot of real tragedy, some related to that but a lot really not at all. So it is difficult to really cut her off because she has legitimate not manufactured issues and needs. I am very aware of the difference between the real issues and the manufactured ones.

I feel like as soon as I have mastered the walk away/redirect with one hot topic that is when she picks the new one. I am perfectly non reactive about my dad and my sister now, so then it's something new. She finds so much joy in her grandchildren, I WANT to provide her with opportunities to see them. I wish she could just hang out with them and not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I just don't know what to do. I get sucked in when she brings it up, that is my bad, but I feel like she should be trying to meet me halfway. But I also kind of think she's not totally capable of that.

You wrote your answer right here. You have to work on not getting sucked into it. You have to stop expecting her to meet you halfway. it's not easy because of course she should be meeting you halfway. But you've listed all the reasons why she's not capable of it and you love her and don't want to let her go. So. Figure out how to not get sucked into it. Calming breaths, a mantra, a written list of why you love her despite these faults, I don't know....

[Anonymous]

She's extremely insecure and that is her way of exerting control, OP.

My mother's anxiety and insecurity often spin out of control and she becomes hyper-controlling and downright nasty (called my husband a jerk and said that I had made a terrible mistake marrying him).

There is nothing to do except limit contact. Visit less often, talk on the phone less often, keep those visits and calls short and sweet. In practice, that is the only thing you can do. No use trying to talk her out of it. She can't. It's a mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Take a break from her for awhile, limiting your contact, and seek therapy if you haven't already. It sounds like there are long-standing issues you could use some support on.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should go see a therapist together?

[Anonymous]

Your mother is a drama queen and you have been brainwashed to think you have to put up with her antics. You are an adult sonact accordingly. You wouldn’t let friends treat you poorly, why do you allow your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She's extremely insecure and that is her way of exerting control, OP.

My mother's anxiety and insecurity often spin out of control and she becomes hyper-controlling and downright nasty (called my husband a jerk and said that I had made a terrible mistake marrying him).

There is nothing to do except limit contact. Visit less often, talk on the phone less often, keep those visits and calls short and sweet. In practice, that is the only thing you can do. No use trying to talk her out of it. She can't. It's a mental illness.

I actually moved away to limit contact. And that has helped but unfortunately it has created more substantial visits. Which I thought would be better but that have not been. We come and stay with her for a few days now so she gets quality time with the kids. I thought that containing it to a couple visits like that a year would make things easier. And maybe it has but it also condenses the stress into a short period.

I know you are right, I just need to get through the next few days and then I am free for months.

[Anonymous]

Don't discuss religion, money or politics

Well yes to money if it involves her care, but generally those 3 topics are (were) not considered polite conversation. Say that you hate to be old fashioned but you need to remind her of this. She's of the generation where this was the the high-class thing to do, to avoid these topics.

[Anonymous]

Only meet with her at her place or a neutral location, and give her a single warning when she brings up politics that you will have to leave if she continues. (I would include any discussion about your father or your husband's job in this as well.). After the warning, if it continues, you leave. Give it time in between visits and then try again. Don't have her to your place where you can't force her to leave. You have to be consistent and firm. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It isn't about politics, or religion, or money - it's about boundaries, and a pattern of pushing you on subjects you are not comfortable with. I actually find the comments she has made about your father to be the worst of all of this, but I'm glad that she seems to have moved past that particular issue (although I am sure the emotional damage to you has been lasting).

[Anonymous]

^this may mean staying in a hotel when you visit her, so that you can retreat back to your hotel when she acts up.

[Anonymous]

My borderline mother is like this. I finally just started announcing that I wasn’t going to argue, then hanging up on her. It worked.

This isn’t the same as cutting contact. It’s setting boundaries, which is desperately needed with people like this. Limit the amount of abuse you’re willing to accept.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I just don't know what to do. I get sucked in when she brings it up, that is my bad, but I feel like she should be trying to meet me halfway. But I also kind of think she's not totally capable of that.

You wrote your answer right here. You have to work on not getting sucked into it. You have to stop expecting her to meet you halfway. it's not easy because of course she should be meeting you halfway. But you've listed all the reasons why she's not capable of it and you love her and don't want to let her go. So. Figure out how to not get sucked into it. Calming breaths, a mantra, a written list of why you love her despite these faults, I don't know....

This. She won’t change.