I’ve had it with the snide comments and moodiness

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my DH.

There are a few things I can’t bare to deal with if we divorce so I’ve resigned that I’m going to be uncomfortable and unhappy for the rest of my life. At least when it comes to him.

I never thought my life would end up this way.

[Anonymous]

You get one shot at this life. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. No one should ever feel they are walking on eggshells at home.

I would ask him point blank: “Do you want to be in this family? Because if the answer is yes, then this a$$hole behavior needs to stop. No one deserves to listen to your nasty, biting comments. No one deserves to be put down the way you do it to me. If you’re depressed or have anxiety, I will work with you to get some help. But you don’t to treat me like this. Either you’re in or you’re not. Let me know what you decide. I’m going to go for a drive and will be back in a bit.”

Then I’d get up and leave. Do not engage with him. Let him sit in it. I’d have some names of therapists and be ready to call when you return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You get one shot at this life. It isn’t a dress rehearsal. No one should ever feel they are walking on eggshells at home.

I would ask him point blank: “Do you want to be in this family? Because if the answer is yes, then this a$$hole behavior needs to stop. No one deserves to listen to your nasty, biting comments. No one deserves to be put down the way you do it to me. If you’re depressed or have anxiety, I will work with you to get some help. But you don’t to treat me like this. Either you’re in or you’re not. Let me know what you decide. I’m going to go for a drive and will be back in a bit.”

Then I’d get up and leave. Do not engage with him. Let him sit in it. I’d have some names of therapists and be ready to call when you return.

I think this post is the most helpful approach.

The problem is when you get back "I've tried everything, nothing helps, my lif sucks and will never change" (essentially, doc review guy). I hear that happens a lot. Depression and anxiety in men also come with a lot of negativism.

You have to do this while you still have reserve. You can't wait until it gets so bad you absolutely cannot stay, becuse if he finally gets his act together after you leave, you won't be able to go back.

Set good boundaries well in advance of the cliff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. I just left my therapist's office where I discussed the exact problem in my marriage. 15 years. If I didn't have a great therapist, I'm not sure I couold have stuck it out.

My DH is probably depressed. It gives me some compassion, but our current situation is not sustainable. I'm working on setting boundaries with what I'll tolerate, letting my voice be heard instead of walking on eggshells and tonight I'm going to ask him to go to counseling with me. Hang in there OP.

Can you tell us how this turned out?

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW, and sometimes I behave like this with my DH. Not nearly as bad, and he's not walking on eggshells, but when I'm really frustrated I get this mean sarcastic streak. I'm working on behaving better, and my DH is not easily riled up, but based on this, here is my advice.

When he says something like that, ask him, in an even voice, "Are you OK?" "You seem unusually bothered by this minor issue--are you feeling frustrated?"

The other thing is not to engage and not let him ruin your mood. Walk away, force yourself to pretend the snide comment wasn't heard, etc. Or laugh. When he says, why couldn't you wait to start eating, just say the food was calling your name, or something silly. Defuse the situation.

But yes, the underlying issue is that for whatever reason your DH is frustrated, and he is unable to articulate or to share with you his frustration, and this is the end result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW, and sometimes I behave like this with my DH. Not nearly as bad, and he's not walking on eggshells, but when I'm really frustrated I get this mean sarcastic streak. I'm working on behaving better, and my DH is not easily riled up, but based on this, here is my advice.

When he says something like that, ask him, in an even voice, "Are you OK?" "You seem unusually bothered by this minor issue--are you feeling frustrated?"

The other thing is not to engage and not let him ruin your mood. Walk away, force yourself to pretend the snide comment wasn't heard, etc. Or laugh. When he says, why couldn't you wait to start eating, just say the food was calling your name, or something silly. Defuse the situation.

But yes, the underlying issue is that for whatever reason your DH is frustrated, and he is unable to articulate or to share with you his frustration, and this is the end result.

Don't be so sure about this. You don't know what it's like to be the receiver of an unpredictably angry person. My mom had a short temper and was a yeller. I never reacted to her very strongly, but my stress level inside was absolutely through the roof. She had no insight into her impact at all. It's really easy to be the mean one, yeller, etc. (I know, I also got some of her characteristics that I work very hard to keep in check), and have no sense of what it is doing to the other person if you haven't experienced it yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW, and sometimes I behave like this with my DH. Not nearly as bad, and he's not walking on eggshells, but when I'm really frustrated I get this mean sarcastic streak. I'm working on behaving better, and my DH is not easily riled up, but based on this, here is my advice.

When he says something like that, ask him, in an even voice, "Are you OK?" "You seem unusually bothered by this minor issue--are you feeling frustrated?"

The other thing is not to engage and not let him ruin your mood. Walk away, force yourself to pretend the snide comment wasn't heard, etc. Or laugh. When he says, why couldn't you wait to start eating, just say the food was calling your name, or something silly. Defuse the situation.

But yes, the underlying issue is that for whatever reason your DH is frustrated, and he is unable to articulate or to share with you his frustration, and this is the end result.

Don't be so sure about this. You don't know what it's like to be the receiver of an unpredictably angry person. My mom had a short temper and was a yeller. I never reacted to her very strongly, but my stress level inside was absolutely through the roof. She had no insight into her impact at all. It's really easy to be the mean one, yeller, etc. (I know, I also got some of her characteristics that I work very hard to keep in check), and have no sense of what it is doing to the other person if you haven't experienced it yourself.

Exactly. Buffering is an energy-intensive process.

People who continue in this vein will wear out their partners and then be all astonished when their partner can't deal with it any more. Don't be that person. Take responsibility for your own emotions and learn coping strategies to deal with your own issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW, and sometimes I behave like this with my DH. Not nearly as bad, and he's not walking on eggshells, but when I'm really frustrated I get this mean sarcastic streak. I'm working on behaving better, and my DH is not easily riled up, but based on this, here is my advice.

When he says something like that, ask him, in an even voice, "Are you OK?" "You seem unusually bothered by this minor issue--are you feeling frustrated?"

The other thing is not to engage and not let him ruin your mood. Walk away, force yourself to pretend the snide comment wasn't heard, etc. Or laugh. When he says, why couldn't you wait to start eating, just say the food was calling your name, or something silly. Defuse the situation.

But yes, the underlying issue is that for whatever reason your DH is frustrated, and he is unable to articulate or to share with you his frustration, and this is the end result.

Don't be so sure about this. You don't know what it's like to be the receiver of an unpredictably angry person. My mom had a short temper and was a yeller. I never reacted to her very strongly, but my stress level inside was absolutely through the roof. She had no insight into her impact at all. It's really easy to be the mean one, yeller, etc. (I know, I also got some of her characteristics that I work very hard to keep in check), and have no sense of what it is doing to the other person if you haven't experienced it yourself.

I'm not a yeller. I might just say something biting or sarcastic, or roll my eyes. Yeah, I kind of got this behavior from my dad, he was a yeller for sure, and for years I kept it tamped, until I had two kids. Being an introvert, my three people just get to me. But my DH is generally a calm guy, he's literally had two meltdowns in the 15 years I've known him.

[Anonymous]

Fair enough, if it works for you. It's still a sh1tty way for a partner to behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I read the thread title I thought it was about DCUM posters in general.

Yup. My first reaction was "then, what the hell are you doing here?!"

Right? I mean that pretty much defines DCUM.

I come here for whoever is doing the rose tattoo bit. Every time it gets injected into that tattoo conversation, I find myself howling with laughter.

[Anonymous]

I would say something along the lines of: "You are acting ude, unkind and mean to me for no reason I can discern. If there is a specific issue you would like to discuss, by all means, let's talk about it and I promise to listen. And if you have a lot of grievances with me or our marriage, then let's discuss them in counseling. But I will not accept you lashing out or attacking me for these small things. It is damaging to me and to our marriage and I will not stand for it" Then, if you need to, leave the room.

Change the eggshells dynamic. Its the worst, esp since it doesn't work when you never know.

fwiw, DH is sometimes an asshole when he's stressed--since its not as bad as you describe, I sometimes just give him a look and walk away. But I have said something similar to the above--he knows its not okay but I needed to call him on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW, and sometimes I behave like this with my DH. Not nearly as bad, and he's not walking on eggshells, but when I'm really frustrated I get this mean sarcastic streak. I'm working on behaving better, and my DH is not easily riled up, but based on this, here is my advice.

When he says something like that, ask him, in an even voice, "Are you OK?" "You seem unusually bothered by this minor issue--are you feeling frustrated?"

The other thing is not to engage and not let him ruin your mood. Walk away, force yourself to pretend the snide comment wasn't heard, etc. Or laugh. When he says, why couldn't you wait to start eating, just say the food was calling your name, or something silly. Defuse the situation.

But yes, the underlying issue is that for whatever reason your DH is frustrated, and he is unable to articulate or to share with you his frustration, and this is the end result.

In my practice, the ones who claim to be "walking on eggshells" have extremely poor communication skills as well as some other disorder. Due to their disorder they are trying to hide and not managing well, things pop up and they do everything in their power not to take responsibility for their shortcomings. Meanwhile, their average normal partner brings it up naturally and gets their head bit off and zero conflict resolution from the disorder partner.

The most effective way to resolve various layers of conflict is to NOT TAKE THE BAIT and start arguing, which is what the disorder partner wants (it detracts from the actual issue and shortcoming at fault). Instead, ask exactly what the PP said: You seem angry about something, would you like to talk about it?
Or, You seem upset, what's up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW, and sometimes I behave like this with my DH. Not nearly as bad, and he's not walking on eggshells, but when I'm really frustrated I get this mean sarcastic streak. I'm working on behaving better, and my DH is not easily riled up, but based on this, here is my advice.

When he says something like that, ask him, in an even voice, "Are you OK?" "You seem unusually bothered by this minor issue--are you feeling frustrated?"

The other thing is not to engage and not let him ruin your mood. Walk away, force yourself to pretend the snide comment wasn't heard, etc. Or laugh. When he says, why couldn't you wait to start eating, just say the food was calling your name, or something silly. Defuse the situation.

But yes, the underlying issue is that for whatever reason your DH is frustrated, and he is unable to articulate or to share with you his frustration, and this is the end result.

In my practice, the ones who claim to be "walking on eggshells" have extremely poor communication skills as well as some other disorder. Due to their disorder they are trying to hide and not managing well, things pop up and they do everything in their power not to take responsibility for their shortcomings. Meanwhile, their average normal partner brings it up naturally and gets their head bit off and zero conflict resolution from the disorder partner.

The most effective way to resolve various layers of conflict is to NOT TAKE THE BAIT and start arguing, which is what the disorder partner wants (it detracts from the actual issue and shortcoming at fault). Instead, ask exactly what the PP said: You seem angry about something, would you like to talk about it?
Or, You seem upset, what's up?

Great advice; thank you. And, to carry out the scenario further: When the "disordered" partner responds in the same loud, sarcastic tone, "NOTHING IS WRONG. I AM NOT MAD; I AM NOT FRUSTRATED," what is the best response to that?

[Anonymous]

What a kind heart you have for wanting to speak in a positive way of your DH despite what you're going through. I absolutely believe that any marriage can be helped, especially if personality issues are contributing! I've talked with a counselor before and I can tell you it's worth it to me. Praying for you and your marriage!

[Anonymous]

My husband can be like this sometimes, and he gets it from his dad. It makes him so mad when he acts like his dad because he saw his dad treat his mom so poorly and he hated it. Generally I'll call him out on it to make sure he's aware that what he said was rude and sometimes he'll get defensive or try to make it somehow my fault, but eventually (within an hour) he'll come around and we can discuss it. Counseling is helpful just to have a third party explain how you feel (it should be enough that you do it but it can be really hard to hear things from your spouse sometimes). Go in with the vein of how to handle the situation - we've talked several times about what we can each say and do when we find ourselves in a small battle and even if what I said I wanted to hear last time isn't exactly what I want to hear this time, the fact that he is trying helps immensely (and vice versa).