Worried about DH's drinking

[Anonymous]

Mine sometimes will drink the entire bottle of one of those BIG bottles of Yellowtail. He frequently drinks an entire regular-size bottle or a six-pack. Sometimes he avoids alcohol during the week and he's fine but plenty of times he drinks 4-5 glasses. I usually can't tell if he's drunk and he says 4 drinks doesn't get him drunk. Occasionally, when he drinks the whole big bottle, then he admits to feeling like garbage the next day and says he'll lay off for awhile. Then he doesn't drink for a week.

It's obnoxious and a little worrisome, but I can't tell him what to do. He usually brushes it off if I express concern. So to be honest, it's not at the top of my list of things to be actively worrying about.

[Anonymous]

How are your finances? DH and I will periodically go on financial diets which consists mostly of no alcohol, no coffee shop coffee, and no meals out for a month. If that would make sense in your house, you could try it. If he balks, maybe say alcohol on weekends only. DH and I drink a drink or two most nights but have no problem cutting it out for a month or two here and there.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband's brother is an alcoholic and your mother-in-law drinks too much and your husband is drinking a lot of alcohol on a regular basis. I don't know if he fits the technical definition of an alcoholic but he is clearly dependent on alcohol and he is on his way to becoming an alcoholic if he isn't one already. I'm sorry.

I suggest educating yourself about this disease before you do anything. Consider seeing a professional with expertise in addiction and how it affects families in order to work this through for yourself. Obviously your husband is resistant to drinking less so you have to figure out how else you can deal with the possibility that he is an alcoholic. And as you mentioned, this is a disease that people inherit. You need to educate yourself because your kids may have the same struggle some day.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

We don't have liquor of any kind at home and literally never, ever drink drink at home or even think about drinking when we're home. But we do go out often -- typically several times a week -- and whenever we do my DH drinks quite a bit. By that I mean at least 3-4 beers and on a weekend night sometimes double that. No driving involved; we live in the city and walk everywhere.

Would you say DH has a drinking problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have liquor of any kind at home and literally never, ever drink drink at home or even think about drinking when we're home. But we do go out often -- typically several times a week -- and whenever we do my DH drinks quite a bit. By that I mean at least 3-4 beers and on a weekend night sometimes double that. No driving involved; we live in the city and walk everywhere.

Would you say DH has a drinking problem?

He might. If he is managing it by not having it at home and then going out and bingeing. I guess the important question is whether he can comfortably go out and not drink or have only one drink.

[Anonymous]

I think that's the very outer limits of what's acceptable, and you're right to be concerned that it could tip over the limit. It sounds high risk to me, and possibly he could benefit from finding other ways to unwind. But for now, assuming he's average height/weight and eating with his alcohol, it doesn't sound like he's getting drunk other than weekends.

That said, that much alcohol is definitely unhealthy, even if he's not actually dependent on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the OP of the ‘how to tell your kids their father is an alcoholic’ thread. I dont want to make you paranoid, but this deserves serious exploration. You basically described my DH before I learned that he was also drinking in the morning, at his desk, in the middle of the night... in all seriousness, I had been with this man for 10 years and did not know he was constantly drunk - this is high functioning alcoholism. Until it wasn’t, and it crashed and burned in a horrible way. I am not sure what I would recommend right now except to take it very seriously. Pay attention to little things, like does he sometimes forget conversations you had, or has his sleep pattern changed, or is he excusing himself at odd times or going to the bathroom a lot - these might indicate him trying to keep a steady buzz. Check the recycling every now and then for empties. And maybe have a conversation with him about how you are very concerned in light of his brother, and would he consider some counseling sessions to help you understand how to talk to each other about it.

+1 -- Almost the exact same story for me. It was a lot more than I ever knew, for years. I was only seeing the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

How about my husband? Half a bottle of wine every night, usually after everyone (often times including me) goes to bed. Very rare non-drinking days. I’ve asked him to cut back and he did for a day here and there, but he’s back to half bottle every night. Mostly alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a lot- especially the weekend drinking. It's bad for his health, if nothing else.
Could you get into a workout program together? Join a gym or get some indoor equipment (treadmill). If he's drinking due to stress, he needs a replacement behavior.
Drinking too much and alcoholism are not necessarily the same thing- but alcoholism runs in your DH's family.

Not OP but laughing at the idea of getting my DH to exercise.

If you start an affair with a hottie it may jump start his competitiveness.

[Anonymous]

I think it is good practice, even if you enjoy drinking, to have at least three nights a week without booze. And to take the occasional month off altogether, so you find other ways of winding down and relaxing, like going for an evening stroll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about my husband? Half a bottle of wine every night, usually after everyone (often times including me) goes to bed. Very rare non-drinking days. I’ve asked him to cut back and he did for a day here and there, but he’s back to half bottle every night. Mostly alone.

NP. To both this PP and to OP too-- Yes, you should be concerned and consider whether he has a problem. Alcoholism does not necessarily mean the person gets stumbling drunk, or drinks at work or day times, or drinks liquor. It presents differently in every person and could present as wine, at night, bothering no one else at all. PP, the fact your DH drinks every night and "mostly alone" and, importantly, won't or can't stop for more than a night or two is a red flag.

Does he say things like:
It helps me relax (every single night? If he can't relax without it, that's a red flag)
I need it to sleep (ditto the above)
At least I'm here at home and not at a bar
It's only wine
I don't hide it, so I can't be an alcoholic because they hide it
I can't have a problem because I do not get drunk, just relaxed
I don't binge, I drink the same amount each time, I always stop after half a bottle

Those can all be true and he may not be an alcoholic. They can all be true and he CAN be an alcoholic. The seven days a week consumption and the stopping only for a day or two when asked would concern me.

Find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself (not AA but Al-Anon, which is for family members of alcoholics, not for alcoholics themselves.) Go, and talk with people who have been where you are now and who can help you gauge whether there might be a problem. OP, you too, not just PP--find Al-Anon. And ask yourself if you hear things like the statements above from your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that's the very outer limits of what's acceptable, and you're right to be concerned that it could tip over the limit. It sounds high risk to me, and possibly he could benefit from finding other ways to unwind. But for now, assuming he's average height/weight and eating with his alcohol, it doesn't sound like he's getting drunk other than weekends.

That said, that much alcohol is definitely unhealthy, even if he's not actually dependent on it.

You do not have to get drunk, ever, to have a drinking problem.

Getting drunk "just" on weekends can be alcoholism too. Some alcoholics don't touch a drop--until they do, and then they get smashed.

Not all drunkenness is alcoholism, of course. But getting drunk on weekends as a habit can be alcoholism as much as daily drinking can be. It's individual, which can make it hard to recognize.

Best rule of thumb: If anyone has to question whether a loved one's drinking is a problem, then it's possible the drinking IS a problem at least within that relationship, and needs to be talked about.

[Anonymous]

I think you should be concerned. Also, I would be concerned what kind of role model he is for your kids - they are getting used to seeing his father drinking that much every single night and they grow up thinking that’s normal.

[Anonymous]

It is a lot. My mom is an alcoholic and she literally cannot go a day without drinking. She also drinks way more than the occasion warrants, like if everyone orders a glass at dinner, she wants a bottle, or pounds the first to have time for a second while everybody else sticks with one. Your husband sounds like that. The wine collection is just a front for his habit really. .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't have liquor of any kind at home and literally never, ever drink drink at home or even think about drinking when we're home. But we do go out often -- typically several times a week -- and whenever we do my DH drinks quite a bit. By that I mean at least 3-4 beers and on a weekend night sometimes double that. No driving involved; we live in the city and walk everywhere.

Would you say DH has a drinking problem?

I think he's more of a binge drinker.