How do you tell your 7 and 9 year olds their dad is an alcoholic?

[Anonymous]

Get help from Al Anon or a family therapist. Dcum is good place for you to unload your concerns but get help from real professionals

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't call it "sick". He's not sick. He has a problem and hopefully he will take the steps he needs to to get better even if that means being away from his kids who he loves dearly for a while.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't call it "sick". He's not sick. He has a problem and hopefully he will take the steps he needs to to get better even if that means being away from his kids who he loves dearly for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it is a one-weekend relapse after years of sobriety and if he is going to rehab and doesn't relapse I don't see the actual need for the children to be told "dad is an alcoholic."

Telling them this about their father may make you feel good and place you as the better person/parent but that benefits you not the kids. Kids at that age are self-focused and will most likely forget about anything that happened this past weekend unless you make a big issue out of it. Do not mischaracterize my previous statement to mean that alcoholism is not a big deal. What I mean, and what everyone can understand, is that from a child's point of view things happen and they forget about stuff, even the non-ideal stuff... unless someone really makes them recognize it. Why would you want to imprint on you children that their father is an alcoholic unless it was objectively necessary?

You should wait before you do this.

I disagree. Kids need to know that their parents are alcoholics even if they're in recovery. This is a family disease and even if dad weren't drinking the kids are at risk for addiction. You could argue that they're too young to know this (I wouldn't say that) but you shouldn't hope they'll forget about it. They need to know this about their dad so they know to monitor their own use of drugs and alcohol as they get older.

+1, I have an 8 year old and we talk about drugs and alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad was an alcoholic. I knew it made him unpredictable and he'd make promises he wouldn't/couldn't keep. I didn't understand really what was going on until I was about 5-6 and my mom told me he drinks too much alcohol which makes him not himself. I thought she meant rubbing alcohol and didn't understand why anyone would drink that. She explained that she meant whisky and then I understood.

My parents divorced when I was about 3 so when I was with my dad I only had my siblings to care for me...no one else to run interference or to make sure I ate or slept etc. Having the alcoholism explained to me helped me to understand my dad and that his flakiness or mood swings had nothing to do with me. 7 and 9 is definitely NOT too young to explain alcoholism to. It will be a relief to them to give dad's problems a name and a reason.

Please be honest and open with your kids about what is happening. They're not stupid. They know something is wrong and they need to know it has nothing to do with them. Also, it would be a good idea to explain that alcoholism is genetic and they should avoid drinking as they get older.

I could not agree more! 9 is plenty old enough to understand the concept, and 7 can understand a lot too. Pretending like nothing is wrong or that it is a "normal" sickness creates an atmosphere of lies and mistrust where they don't feel safe to discuss (or even have) their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exactly how old are they. Be a combination of totally honest but in simple language kids understand. Don't lie. Don't hide. Don't paint a rosy picture. If they ask a question, answer it honestly to the best of your ability.

Daddy is drinking too much alcohol. When grownups drink too much, it makes them sick and they behave differently and have difficulty coping with life. Some people can't stop drinking and need to go someplace that is sort of like a hospital, where there are doctors and nurses and other specialiEd people who can help. Daddy will go there on X date for x weeks. During that time we will ... (describe whether you will see him, phone him, send him emails, or not). Describe how everything else will/won't stay the same - go to camp? go on vacation? alone with Mom? with other family members instead of dad? etc.

Wash, rinse, repeat. You will have to say the same thing many times before kids fully get it.

I have been talking to my kids about alcoholism and mental illness for over 10 years. There are long lasting effects.

I'm in recovery and agree with this post. at 7 and 9 they aren't too young for this level of frank discussion. Consider therapy for them, yourself, and Al-Anon, Alateen when the time comes.

Husband is in recovery. Our son is 3. He knows that Daddy goes to meetings, and that wine is for grownups who want to drink it and for whom it is safe. (It's not safe for Daddy, and someday we will talk about how it may not be safe for him.)

When he is able to ask questions about why his Dad went to rehab, if he does, we will say something like this. If my husband relapses, I will say something like this (adjusted for age). 7 and 9 is not at all too young for the above.

My husband was raised in an alcoholic family where no accurate information was given, with results that were--in retrospect--predictable. About half is genetic. The other half is how you handle stuff like this.

Good luck, OP--don't forget to take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exactly how old are they. Be a combination of totally honest but in simple language kids understand. Don't lie. Don't hide. Don't paint a rosy picture. If they ask a question, answer it honestly to the best of your ability.

Daddy is drinking too much alcohol. When grownups drink too much, it makes them sick and they behave differently and have difficulty coping with life. Some people can't stop drinking and need to go someplace that is sort of like a hospital, where there are doctors and nurses and other specialiEd people who can help. Daddy will go there on X date for x weeks. During that time we will ... (describe whether you will see him, phone him, send him emails, or not). Describe how everything else will/won't stay the same - go to camp? go on vacation? alone with Mom? with other family members instead of dad? etc.

Wash, rinse, repeat. You will have to say the same thing many times before kids fully get it.

I have been talking to my kids about alcoholism and mental illness for over 10 years. There are long lasting effects.

I'm in recovery and agree with this post. at 7 and 9 they aren't too young for this level of frank discussion. Consider therapy for them, yourself, and Al-Anon, Alateen when the time comes.

agree, this is house our school handles all sorts of life issues as they pop up in the classroom or with kids (divorce, gpa died, mother remarried, boy only has a mom/no dad). Straightforward, direct, simple, honest.

[Anonymous]

My dad was an alcoholic and it was never discussed or explained to me. He got smashed and loud and ugly every night after dinner. Fell down in the hallway, pissed himself.

I assumed that that's what adults did and that when I grew up I would also be an alcoholic and that frightened me.

I wished someone had explained alcoholism to me because to me it was just adulthood.

[Anonymous]

I would tell them in an age-appropriate, matter-of-fact way and try to take any blame or emotion out of it.

My dad went to rehab when I was around 6, and my parents told me he had to go away for work. I definitely remember it as a traumatic time and knew that my parents weren't telling the truth. It is actually one of my most vivid memories from childhood.

I found out the real story by accident - I was looking for a book to read in my dad's office and found his AA big book, signed by people he had gone to rehab with. I also found a narcotics anonymous book. I was probably about 13. This was pretty traumatic and upsetting and had me questioning a lot of things. It would have been better if my parents had been honest about it earlier on.

As an adult, I get why they were secretive. I love my dad and I got over it. And he has been sober for 27 years! But I wish that they had been honest with me at the time because I think it would have avoided a lot of hurt and confusion. And the secrecy about my family's history of addiction was not great as my brothers and I grew up and developed our own relationship with alcohol.. though that's a different topic.

[Anonymous]

"Daddy is an alcoholic. That means he's addicted to alcohol. He's going to a treatment center to get help for this. It's like a hospital, but not exactly. I am telling you this because it is important you know that alcoholism can run in families. As you grow up and have more access to alcohol, it will be important for you to resist the urge to drink. We will talk more about this as you get older and I will help you with it. Here's what is happening with next week's vacation: _________________. Do you have any questions?"

OP, I think you should tell them whatever you feel about other people knowing. Do you want your 7 yr old saying "I can't come over Timmy. My dad is an alcoholic and we have to go visit him in a sober living home tomorrow." Figure that out before beginning your talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you don't say that. They'll repeat it everywhere and not in the correct way.

Simply say dad is sick and is getting help from the doctor. All you need to say!

Because the most important thing is keeping up with appearances and making sure no one knows Dad is an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

OP, note that the people here with actual experience with addiction are telling you to be honest. I'm with them.

I have a 7- and 5-year-old with an alcoholic father. The 7-year-old has has asked very pointed questions about where his dad is when he goes away. I tried to be vague at first and it clearly was making him sad and anxious and he kept asking. So finally one night, I sat him down and explained to him what alcohol is. That some people can drink a little and be ok, but other people have a hard time controlling how much they drink and that it can change their behavior and make them angry or sad or forgetful. I explained that Daddy is one of those people, so he needs doctors to help him and to stay away from alcohol. It really seemed to put my son's questions to rest and make him feel better. I've also encouraged him to talk to his dad about it, but so far my son doesn't seem comfortable doing that. He's told me, "Daddy doesn't like to talk about things." Which is true, I have to give him that. It's still hard, so my heart goes out to you, but I noticed a big change when I finally had that talk with him.

The 5-year-old hasn't seemed to notice so much or ask a lot of questions, so I haven't explained yet but know that day will come.

[Anonymous]

My advice:

1- do not call him sick. That would freak a kid out. They already know their father has a problem. You don't need to tell them he's sick on top of that.

2- be totally honest. Their father has a problem with drinking alcohol. He can't stop drinking it the way others can. When he drinks, his behavior changes and he does dangerous things. He needs help to be learn to control himself. There's a place where he's going to go, something like a hotel, where there are other people like him and people who have special training to handle these issues.

3- do not normalize it. They'll just end up thinking that there's something wrong with their family and THEM versus something wrong with the father. Denial is a horrible horrible thing to have in addiction situations, especially with children. Don't try to protect the father at the expense of risking the kids' mental health.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a parent with a chronic disease (not alcoholism) and I can tell you what made it terrible was not understanding what it was and no one having open and direct conversations with me about it. I remember I felt kind of confused and ashamed that I didn't know what was going on. When I was old enough, I sought out information on my own.

So I vote for age-appropriate honesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Daddy is an alcoholic. That means he's addicted to alcohol. He's going to a treatment center to get help for this. It's like a hospital, but not exactly. I am telling you this because it is important you know that alcoholism can run in families. As you grow up and have more access to alcohol, it will be important for you to resist the urge to drink. We will talk more about this as you get older and I will help you with it. Here's what is happening with next week's vacation: _________________. Do you have any questions?"

OP, I think you should tell them whatever you feel about other people knowing. Do you want your 7 yr old saying "I can't come over Timmy. My dad is an alcoholic and we have to go visit him in a sober living home tomorrow." Figure that out before beginning your talk.

If Timmy’s parents can’t help Timmy manage this information, that is a shortcoming of theirs, not a reason to inflict on a 7 yo the kind of scary no-info environment people in this thread have described.