How do you tell your 7 and 9 year olds their dad is an alcoholic?

[Anonymous]

DH has been In recovery for several years but has relapsed. He has been sick all weekend and tomorrow I am going to try to get him into inpatient rehab. I think I will need to explain why dad is sick, going away, and we will not be able to visit him in the hospital ( we have had several illnesses and hospitalizations in this family so that is a concept they understand). The older one is very intuitive and clearly knows something is different this time - DH has been sick before and we have never made a big fuss, but this time DC is very agitated and already talking about how we might miss our vacation next week.

I think it is time to be at least a little bit straight with DCs, but I have no idea how. Any advice welcome.

[Anonymous]

I think 7 is too young and 9 is pushing it. You can explain that Daddy has a disease that causes him to be sad, angry, reckless, etc., but everyone is trying to help him.

[Anonymous]

I would not say he is sick as that may scare him. I would say that Dad sometimes drinks to much and he's going to go to a program, where he will stay to get some help with it to be a better Dad and husband.

[Anonymous]

By "he has been sick all weekend", do you mean "he has been drunk all weekend"? Did the kids see him drunk? Have they ever?

[Anonymous]

Exactly how old are they. Be a combination of totally honest but in simple language kids understand. Don't lie. Don't hide. Don't paint a rosy picture. If they ask a question, answer it honestly to the best of your ability.

Daddy is drinking too much alcohol. When grownups drink too much, it makes them sick and they behave differently and have difficulty coping with life. Some people can't stop drinking and need to go someplace that is sort of like a hospital, where there are doctors and nurses and other specialiEd people who can help. Daddy will go there on X date for x weeks. During that time we will ... (describe whether you will see him, phone him, send him emails, or not). Describe how everything else will/won't stay the same - go to camp? go on vacation? alone with Mom? with other family members instead of dad? etc.

Wash, rinse, repeat. You will have to say the same thing many times before kids fully get it.

I have been talking to my kids about alcoholism and mental illness for over 10 years. There are long lasting effects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly how old are they. Be a combination of totally honest but in simple language kids understand. Don't lie. Don't hide. Don't paint a rosy picture. If they ask a question, answer it honestly to the best of your ability.

Daddy is drinking too much alcohol. When grownups drink too much, it makes them sick and they behave differently and have difficulty coping with life. Some people can't stop drinking and need to go someplace that is sort of like a hospital, where there are doctors and nurses and other specialiEd people who can help. Daddy will go there on X date for x weeks. During that time we will ... (describe whether you will see him, phone him, send him emails, or not). Describe how everything else will/won't stay the same - go to camp? go on vacation? alone with Mom? with other family members instead of dad? etc.

Wash, rinse, repeat. You will have to say the same thing many times before kids fully get it.

I have been talking to my kids about alcoholism and mental illness for over 10 years. There are long lasting effects.

Way to much overload. The kids know. They see Dad drinking and his behavior changing. Keep it simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Exactly how old are they. Be a combination of totally honest but in simple language kids understand. Don't lie. Don't hide. Don't paint a rosy picture. If they ask a question, answer it honestly to the best of your ability.

Daddy is drinking too much alcohol. When grownups drink too much, it makes them sick and they behave differently and have difficulty coping with life. Some people can't stop drinking and need to go someplace that is sort of like a hospital, where there are doctors and nurses and other specialiEd people who can help. Daddy will go there on X date for x weeks. During that time we will ... (describe whether you will see him, phone him, send him emails, or not). Describe how everything else will/won't stay the same - go to camp? go on vacation? alone with Mom? with other family members instead of dad? etc.

Wash, rinse, repeat. You will have to say the same thing many times before kids fully get it.

I have been talking to my kids about alcoholism and mental illness for over 10 years. There are long lasting effects.

I'm in recovery and agree with this post. at 7 and 9 they aren't too young for this level of frank discussion. Consider therapy for them, yourself, and Al-Anon, Alateen when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

DO they know he has been drinking?

Were they aware of his drinking earlier in their lives?

I think it depends where you are starting from. If this weekend is the first knowledge they have of anything wrong and they don't even know he was drinking, you are going to need to frame it differently than if they know he has a problem with alcohol, have seen him drunk etc.

[Anonymous]

My dad was an alcoholic. I knew it made him unpredictable and he'd make promises he wouldn't/couldn't keep. I didn't understand really what was going on until I was about 5-6 and my mom told me he drinks too much alcohol which makes him not himself. I thought she meant rubbing alcohol and didn't understand why anyone would drink that. She explained that she meant whisky and then I understood.

My parents divorced when I was about 3 so when I was with my dad I only had my siblings to care for me...no one else to run interference or to make sure I ate or slept etc. Having the alcoholism explained to me helped me to understand my dad and that his flakiness or mood swings had nothing to do with me. 7 and 9 is definitely NOT too young to explain alcoholism to. It will be a relief to them to give dad's problems a name and a reason.

Please be honest and open with your kids about what is happening. They're not stupid. They know something is wrong and they need to know it has nothing to do with them. Also, it would be a good idea to explain that alcoholism is genetic and they should avoid drinking as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Has he been sober for several years and then just messed up this weekend? If so, I wouldn’t tell them. Let him complete his rehab and get back to sobriety.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who's ex husband was an alcoholic. When he finally went to rehab, her kids were prob in about 2nd grade. She took her kids to a support group for children of alcoholics, and the way the professionals explained it to that age group was by likening it to an allergy. Kids that age understand that if you are allergic to something, if you eat it or touch it, it can have bad consequences. Just like if Suzy eats strawberries, she gets hives and vomits all day, if daddy drinks alcohol he acts funny, walks badly, etc.

I'm sure there was more to it than this, but the kids seemed to grasp it as well as they could at that age.

[Anonymous]

If it is a one-weekend relapse after years of sobriety and if he is going to rehab and doesn't relapse I don't see the actual need for the children to be told "dad is an alcoholic."

Telling them this about their father may make you feel good and place you as the better person/parent but that benefits you not the kids. Kids at that age are self-focused and will most likely forget about anything that happened this past weekend unless you make a big issue out of it. Do not mischaracterize my previous statement to mean that alcoholism is not a big deal. What I mean, and what everyone can understand, is that from a child's point of view things happen and they forget about stuff, even the non-ideal stuff... unless someone really makes them recognize it. Why would you want to imprint on you children that their father is an alcoholic unless it was objectively necessary?

You should wait before you do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Exactly how old are they. Be a combination of totally honest but in simple language kids understand. Don't lie. Don't hide. Don't paint a rosy picture. If they ask a question, answer it honestly to the best of your ability.

Daddy is drinking too much alcohol. When grownups drink too much, it makes them sick and they behave differently and have difficulty coping with life. Some people can't stop drinking and need to go someplace that is sort of like a hospital, where there are doctors and nurses and other specialiEd people who can help. Daddy will go there on X date for x weeks. During that time we will ... (describe whether you will see him, phone him, send him emails, or not). Describe how everything else will/won't stay the same - go to camp? go on vacation? alone with Mom? with other family members instead of dad? etc.

Wash, rinse, repeat. You will have to say the same thing many times before kids fully get it.

I have been talking to my kids about alcoholism and mental illness for over 10 years. There are long lasting effects.

I'm in recovery and agree with this post. at 7 and 9 they aren't too young for this level of frank discussion. Consider therapy for them, yourself, and Al-Anon, Alateen when the time comes.

+1 This sounds like good advice to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it is a one-weekend relapse after years of sobriety and if he is going to rehab and doesn't relapse I don't see the actual need for the children to be told "dad is an alcoholic."

Telling them this about their father may make you feel good and place you as the better person/parent but that benefits you not the kids. Kids at that age are self-focused and will most likely forget about anything that happened this past weekend unless you make a big issue out of it. Do not mischaracterize my previous statement to mean that alcoholism is not a big deal. What I mean, and what everyone can understand, is that from a child's point of view things happen and they forget about stuff, even the non-ideal stuff... unless someone really makes them recognize it. Why would you want to imprint on you children that their father is an alcoholic unless it was objectively necessary?

You should wait before you do this.

I disagree. Kids need to know that their parents are alcoholics even if they're in recovery. This is a family disease and even if dad weren't drinking the kids are at risk for addiction. You could argue that they're too young to know this (I wouldn't say that) but you shouldn't hope they'll forget about it. They need to know this about their dad so they know to monitor their own use of drugs and alcohol as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Of course you don't say that. They'll repeat it everywhere and not in the correct way.

Simply say dad is sick and is getting help from the doctor. All you need to say!