Did you marry "down"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know many women who technically married down and seem happy.
My college roommate who was counsel at a major Wall Street investment firm has been married 15 years to a guy who works on sailboats. He has a HS diploma.
The AP at my MS is married to a retail manager.
Several friends who are AA professionals with multiple degrees married AA men with blue collar jobs and little to no education beyond a GED or HS diploma. They are definitely the breadwinners.

Those same women complain about their husbands and finances the minute the relationship is over though. Can't tell you how many women I know who bought the house before he moved in or paid the majority of finances are spitting mad at him getting any piece of the pie when they divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Deifnitely married down... he runs an appliance repair business and makes a lot of money but is still low class. Refuses to let me join a country club even though we can afford it. Makes us go to public pool. So embarrassing.

A non-country-club pool: oh the shame.

I wouldn't let you spend $20,000 year of my hard-earned money on a private pool and on-site restaurants either. You want a country club - PAY FOR IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know many women who technically married down and seem happy.
My college roommate who was counsel at a major Wall Street investment firm has been married 15 years to a guy who works on sailboats. He has a HS diploma.
The AP at my MS is married to a retail manager.
Several friends who are AA professionals with multiple degrees married AA men with blue collar jobs and little to no education beyond a GED or HS diploma. They are definitely the breadwinners.

Those same women complain about their husbands and finances the minute the relationship is over though. Can't tell you how many women I know who bought the house before he moved in or paid the majority of finances are spitting mad at him getting any piece of the pie when they divorce.

Why wouldn’t they be? If I bought the house before you came around and/or paid all the bills after we marry, why would I want you to get a single $$? FWIW - I feel the same way when it’s the man making all the money. The law says what it says re asset splitting, but it doesn’t make it fair to the person making the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Deifnitely married down... he runs an appliance repair business and makes a lot of money but is still low class. Refuses to let me join a country club even though we can afford it. Makes us go to public pool. So embarrassing.

A non-country-club pool: oh the shame.

I wouldn't let you spend $20,000 year of my hard-earned money on a private pool and on-site restaurants either. You want a country club - PAY FOR IT.

I suspect that was a troll post that the two of you just fell for

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Deifnitely married down... he runs an appliance repair business and makes a lot of money but is still low class. Refuses to let me join a country club even though we can afford it. Makes us go to public pool. So embarrassing.

A non-country-club pool: oh the shame.

I wouldn't let you spend $20,000 year of my hard-earned money on a private pool and on-site restaurants either. You want a country club - PAY FOR IT.

I suspect that was a troll post that the two of you just fell for

I wouldn't. Lots of women in this area demanding exorbitant 'line items' on what's effectively a MC HHI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know many women who technically married down and seem happy.
My college roommate who was counsel at a major Wall Street investment firm has been married 15 years to a guy who works on sailboats. He has a HS diploma.
The AP at my MS is married to a retail manager.
Several friends who are AA professionals with multiple degrees married AA men with blue collar jobs and little to no education beyond a GED or HS diploma. They are definitely the breadwinners.

Those same women complain about their husbands and finances the minute the relationship is over though. Can't tell you how many women I know who bought the house before he moved in or paid the majority of finances are spitting mad at him getting any piece of the pie when they divorce.

Why wouldn’t they be? If I bought the house before you came around and/or paid all the bills after we marry, why would I want you to get a single $$? FWIW - I feel the same way when it’s the man making all the money. The law says what it says re asset splitting, but it doesn’t make it fair to the person making the money.

I get why they're mad. Just saying that not shacking up with someone, paying all the bills, then being surprised when they leave because of animosity or a hot young thing - would solve a lot of these crises.

[Anonymous]

No one marries down. No one. If you think you married beneath you, be honest with yourself about your other options at the time. Chances are, the man you married was the best out of your options at the time, because men you think you ought to have married didn't find you attractive (so they weren't really viable options).

Your marriage market value includes your education/SES but not exclusively, and if you didn't find your education/SES match, that means your other factors reduced your value in the marriage market.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one marries down. No one. If you think you married beneath you, be honest with yourself about your other options at the time. Chances are, the man you married was the best out of your options at the time, because men you think you ought to have married didn't find you attractive (so they weren't really viable options).

Your marriage market value includes your education/SES but not exclusively, and if you didn't find your education/SES match, that means your other factors reduced your value in the marriage market.

+1

Thank you, voice of reason.

This gets back to all these threads where women think men should evaluate them based on how they evaluate other women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one marries down. No one. If you think you married beneath you, be honest with yourself about your other options at the time. Chances are, the man you married was the best out of your options at the time, because men you think you ought to have married didn't find you attractive (so they weren't really viable options).

Your marriage market value includes your education/SES but not exclusively, and if you didn't find your education/SES match, that means your other factors reduced your value in the marriage market.

+1

Thank you, voice of reason.

This gets back to all these threads where women think men should evaluate them based on how they evaluate other women.

This is so not true! I don’t know many people that calculate and put everything on a scale. I had LOTS of options as a 28 year old very attractive, smart, from an upper middle class family, pursuing my PhD. I was dating several guys at the same time. All weresmart and accomplished, some had a richer families than others. I ended up marrying the one that was older (11 years older than me), not best loOk’ing if th bunch because he was the most exciting one and the most passionate one. I was so bored with the handsome and rich kids... I had my pick and I would never say I married down. Maybe some of he other guys were better looking, younger, and had more family wealth, but they had never been on a motorcycle, never held a gun, never jumped from an airplane, and the list goes on. I married the BEST of the group I am sure of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one marries down. No one. If you think you married beneath you, be honest with yourself about your other options at the time. Chances are, the man you married was the best out of your options at the time, because men you think you ought to have married didn't find you attractive (so they weren't really viable options).

Your marriage market value includes your education/SES but not exclusively, and if you didn't find your education/SES match, that means your other factors reduced your value in the marriage market.

+1

Thank you, voice of reason.

This gets back to all these threads where women think men should evaluate them based on how they evaluate other women.

This is so not true! I don’t know many people that calculate and put everything on a scale. I had LOTS of options as a 28 year old very attractive, smart, from an upper middle class family, pursuing my PhD. I was dating several guys at the same time. All weresmart and accomplished, some had a richer families than others. I ended up marrying the one that was older (11 years older than me), not best loOk’ing if th bunch because he was the most exciting one and the most passionate one. I was so bored with the handsome and rich kids... I had my pick and I would never say I married down. Maybe some of he other guys were better looking, younger, and had more family wealth, but they had never been on a motorcycle, never held a gun, never jumped from an airplane, and the list goes on. I married the BEST of the group I am sure of this.

Great, so you didn't marry down. You married someone smart and accomplished, even if they weren't the absolute richest.

What, again, is your point that contradicts the quoted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one marries down. No one. If you think you married beneath you, be honest with yourself about your other options at the time. Chances are, the man you married was the best out of your options at the time, because men you think you ought to have married didn't find you attractive (so they weren't really viable options).

Your marriage market value includes your education/SES but not exclusively, and if you didn't find your education/SES match, that means your other factors reduced your value in the marriage market.

+1

Thank you, voice of reason.

This gets back to all these threads where women think men should evaluate them based on how they evaluate other women.

This is so not true! I don’t know many people that calculate and put everything on a scale. I had LOTS of options as a 28 year old very attractive, smart, from an upper middle class family, pursuing my PhD. I was dating several guys at the same time. All weresmart and accomplished, some had a richer families than others. I ended up marrying the one that was older (11 years older than me), not best loOk’ing if th bunch because he was the most exciting one and the most passionate one. I was so bored with the handsome and rich kids... I had my pick and I would never say I married down. Maybe some of he other guys were better looking, younger, and had more family wealth, but they had never been on a motorcycle, never held a gun, never jumped from an airplane, and the list goes on. I married the BEST of the group I am sure of this.

Great, so you didn't marry down. You married someone smart and accomplished, even if they weren't the absolute richest.

What, again, is your point that contradicts the quoted?

My point is that “value in the market” is a horrible and sad concept and total bs. My DH and his family are not as rich as mine. By your calculation I should have married one of the other guys that were also educated and accomplished, but also richer and in some cases better looking. I fell for DH because I did. There was not market calculation in it at all! Now, if what you are trying to say is that some people value other things other than money or SES, then yes, I agree with you. My “value in the market” like you like to call it was high, yet I chose someone that perhaps on paper had a “lower value”, but that to me was the best guy I had dated. So no, unless there is no objective way to establish “value”, then I don’t agree with you. I might have married down in some people’s eyes, but in mine I picked the best of all...

[Anonymous]

My DH and his parents truly think he married down. I am attractive and came from an UMC background with a high level of education. My parents had come from nothing and built an incredible life for themselves and their children. His parents inherited $ from FIL's immigrant parents who happened to strike it rich in small business. I don't believe their money--though it's more than mine--makes them better. I truly believe he was lucky to marry me, but as time has gone on, I see that he and his family don't see it that way and I am still some middle-class nobody who should feel lucky to be part of their family. Believe me, marrying "up" is no walk in the park.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are doctors and I married a fireman. I am a teacher. What peoole didn't expect is that my husband would start a painting b uisness on his off days and over 12 years it's grown into an extra 200k a year for our family. We now have 3 crews. I wonder to myself if that didn't happen (bc we truly didn't expect it) would I still be happy? I think so but I do find myself relived that we can afford some of the comforts I had growing up. Mostly in reference to my kids...competitive sports for example. However because our careers are middle class our social circle is too and I find these people much much more down to earth and genuine then the upper middle class circles I grew up in. Even my mom commented on the fact we have better friends!

Wow you really married down. It must be a big struggle for you....seeing what your parents have and what you could have. I can feel the tension in your post.

I wouldn’t call marrying a fireman “ marrying down”. I would call that being married to a heroic, selfless man. It’s absolutely sickening to me that ball players and celebs get paid millions, yet our military, cops, fireman, etc., get paid barley anything to risk their lives for our safety and freedom. You married a great man, never feel bad about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are doctors and I married a fireman. I am a teacher. What peoole didn't expect is that my husband would start a painting b uisness on his off days and over 12 years it's grown into an extra 200k a year for our family. We now have 3 crews. I wonder to myself if that didn't happen (bc we truly didn't expect it) would I still be happy? I think so but I do find myself relived that we can afford some of the comforts I had growing up. Mostly in reference to my kids...competitive sports for example. However because our careers are middle class our social circle is too and I find these people much much more down to earth and genuine then the upper middle class circles I grew up in. Even my mom commented on the fact we have better friends!

Wow you really married down. It must be a big struggle for you....seeing what your parents have and what you could have. I can feel the tension in your post.

I wouldn’t call marrying a fireman “ marrying down”. I would call that being married to a heroic, selfless man. It’s absolutely sickening to me that ball players and celebs get paid millions, yet our military, cops, fireman, etc., get paid barley anything to risk their lives for our safety and freedom. You married a great man, never feel bad about that.

* barely

[Anonymous]

Yes, this topic has been beaten to death. But, FWIW, some people would consider I married 'down'. I've always made more money than my DH who has a BA but is working in the service industry. We've been married 20+ years and have 3 kids. We are definitely in a lower economic class than I grew up in but our nuclear family is far more healthy and happy than my family of origin. If I wanted more money or more prestige, I would earn it myself. I would not look for a 'partner' to bring it to the relationship.