11 yo DD sneaking sweets

[Anonymous]

She has to discuss every snack with her mom?

[Anonymous]

Very weird you consider getting sweets from cabinets "sneaking." If you don't want her to eat it, don't buy it. If it's forbidden, put a lock on the cabinet so everyone has to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree with all the mean-spirited "why are you making her ask, you're controlling, this is rationing" etc. posters above, OP. Wow. Do you folks all let your kids, yes, even 11-year-olds take what they want, when they want? Do they also do the shopping and decide what's in the pantry? Because if they don't have to go out and replace what they eat up, they should be taught that it's good manners to tell the person who DOES the shopping and food planning what's getting eaten up.

I do the food shopping for our household and if DC and my DH are taking food all the time and never telling me what they're eating or that we're nearly out of something -- I go to get food or ingredients and discover we're out of something I planned on serving or using to cook that day. I don't think you're asking too much at all when you ask your child to tell you if she wants X or Y (or if you expect your husband just to let you know he took the last roll or cookie or whatever; you're not asking them to beg you for it, but to let you know so you aren't caught short when you go to get them the next day).

Her telling you, "I'm going to get a snack" also leaves you the option to give your child information she doesn't have, such as: "We're going out to dinner tonight, earlier than usual, so please hold off on the snack since we'll be at dinner in an hour" or whatever she may not know. And yes, it's FINE to tell a child, you cannot have a snack now because we're having dinner/we're nearly out and that one's going into your lunch tomorrow/whatever. That won't cause an eating disorder or make you some evil, controlling parent, no matter what DCUM tells you.

You also don't want to set up a poor dynamic by always saying no to her. So figure out when it is that she seems likeliest to go get food; is it right after school? Maybe she needs a higher-protein lunch that sticks to her longer through the day, or she needs a high-protein snack on the table when she gets in, like yogurt or cheese and crackers. (Often the craving for sweets is actually a craving for proteins, my doctor and her pediatrician both have told us.) If she's getting sweets 30 minutes before dinner, maybe dinnertime needs to move a little earlier. If she never gets sweets after dinner, maybe its' time try having dessert a few times a week instead of having sweet treats readily available in the pantry. And she can't eat what isn't there; stop buying sweets that sit in the pantry to be taken.

Does she think she has to get sweets without letting you know because you'll always say no? Say yes sometimes--which will be easier if you don't have many sweet things around. And please dont' say to your DD that she "sneaks" food if you've been OK with her getting food for herself; that's a mixed message. If the issue is that you're fine with her eating them, but you want to keep up with what's in the pantry since you are the one who fills it -- explain that to her. Kids this age like being treated like they can understand things like that.

If the issue is that the food she wants is sweets, make them less available: Don't have them in the house as much, or at all, or start having her help you make real desserts a few times a week rather than having pantry treats around. Bonus: Time together.

Too long.

[Anonymous]

She is sneaking because she doesn't trust that you'll keep saying yes. Duh.

[Anonymous]

She's 11, too old to have to ask you for food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree with all the mean-spirited "why are you making her ask, you're controlling, this is rationing" etc. posters above, OP. Wow. Do you folks all let your kids, yes, even 11-year-olds take what they want, when they want? Do they also do the shopping and decide what's in the pantry? Because if they don't have to go out and replace what they eat up, they should be taught that it's good manners to tell the person who DOES the shopping and food planning what's getting eaten up.

I do the food shopping for our household and if DC and my DH are taking food all the time and never telling me what they're eating or that we're nearly out of something -- I go to get food or ingredients and discover we're out of something I planned on serving or using to cook that day. I don't think you're asking too much at all when you ask your child to tell you if she wants X or Y (or if you expect your husband just to let you know he took the last roll or cookie or whatever; you're not asking them to beg you for it, but to let you know so you aren't caught short when you go to get them the next day).

Her telling you, "I'm going to get a snack" also leaves you the option to give your child information she doesn't have, such as: "We're going out to dinner tonight, earlier than usual, so please hold off on the snack since we'll be at dinner in an hour" or whatever she may not know. And yes, it's FINE to tell a child, you cannot have a snack now because we're having dinner/we're nearly out and that one's going into your lunch tomorrow/whatever. That won't cause an eating disorder or make you some evil, controlling parent, no matter what DCUM tells you.

You also don't want to set up a poor dynamic by always saying no to her. So figure out when it is that she seems likeliest to go get food; is it right after school? Maybe she needs a higher-protein lunch that sticks to her longer through the day, or she needs a high-protein snack on the table when she gets in, like yogurt or cheese and crackers. (Often the craving for sweets is actually a craving for proteins, my doctor and her pediatrician both have told us.) If she's getting sweets 30 minutes before dinner, maybe dinnertime needs to move a little earlier. If she never gets sweets after dinner, maybe its' time try having dessert a few times a week instead of having sweet treats readily available in the pantry. And she can't eat what isn't there; stop buying sweets that sit in the pantry to be taken.

Does she think she has to get sweets without letting you know because you'll always say no? Say yes sometimes--which will be easier if you don't have many sweet things around. And please dont' say to your DD that she "sneaks" food if you've been OK with her getting food for herself; that's a mixed message. If the issue is that you're fine with her eating them, but you want to keep up with what's in the pantry since you are the one who fills it -- explain that to her. Kids this age like being treated like they can understand things like that.

If the issue is that the food she wants is sweets, make them less available: Don't have them in the house as much, or at all, or start having her help you make real desserts a few times a week rather than having pantry treats around. Bonus: Time together.

Thank you for this. It is by far the most helpful and more accurate read on the situation. I am not tracking food but realize it’s been eaten when I go to get it. It feels like “sneaking” because other snacks she’ll eat when I am around. I never see her eating the treats unless we’re eating dessert together. I’ve found the wrappers in her room or in other odd places that she’s stashed them. She’s free to get any food any time but I do ask her to just let me know if it might be near meals or if we’re running low or if she wants me to get same or different snacks. She’s told me that she feels unhealthy when eating sweets & assure her that she/our family lives a healthy life so all foods including sweets are fine. She has mood issues with too much sugar & that’s why I want her to ask or let me know. I say yes unless it’s close to meal time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for this. It is by far the most helpful and more accurate read on the situation. I am not tracking food but realize it’s been eaten when I go to get it. It feels like “sneaking” because other snacks she’ll eat when I am around. I never see her eating the treats unless we’re eating dessert together. I’ve found the wrappers in her room or in other odd places that she’s stashed them. She’s free to get any food any time but I do ask her to just let me know if it might be near meals or if we’re running low or if she wants me to get same or different snacks. She’s told me that she feels unhealthy when eating sweets & assure her that she/our family lives a healthy life so all foods including sweets are fine. She has mood issues with too much sugar & that’s why I want her to ask or let me know. I say yes unless it’s close to meal time.

Let her get them herself. If she has mood issues, then she has mood issues. If she eats them and then there aren't any more, then there aren't any more. If she wants you to get more and she didn't tell you, then there aren't any more. If she wants you to get something else and she didn't tell you, then you don't get something else.

Or don't have any in the house in the first place.

I do think it's fine to have a rule about only eating in the kitchen or dining room, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you ration food?

Are you the Aldo mom from the "how much do you spend on food per month" thread that only spends $200 for a family of 4?

It was $100 a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I disagree with all the mean-spirited "why are you making her ask, you're controlling, this is rationing" etc. posters above, OP. Wow. Do you folks all let your kids, yes, even 11-year-olds take what they want, when they want? Do they also do the shopping and decide what's in the pantry? Because if they don't have to go out and replace what they eat up, they should be taught that it's good manners to tell the person who DOES the shopping and food planning what's getting eaten up.

I do the food shopping for our household and if DC and my DH are taking food all the time and never telling me what they're eating or that we're nearly out of something -- I go to get food or ingredients and discover we're out of something I planned on serving or using to cook that day. I don't think you're asking too much at all when you ask your child to tell you if she wants X or Y (or if you expect your husband just to let you know he took the last roll or cookie or whatever; you're not asking them to beg you for it, but to let you know so you aren't caught short when you go to get them the next day).

Her telling you, "I'm going to get a snack" also leaves you the option to give your child information she doesn't have, such as: "We're going out to dinner tonight, earlier than usual, so please hold off on the snack since we'll be at dinner in an hour" or whatever she may not know. And yes, it's FINE to tell a child, you cannot have a snack now because we're having dinner/we're nearly out and that one's going into your lunch tomorrow/whatever. That won't cause an eating disorder or make you some evil, controlling parent, no matter what DCUM tells you.

You also don't want to set up a poor dynamic by always saying no to her. So figure out when it is that she seems likeliest to go get food; is it right after school? Maybe she needs a higher-protein lunch that sticks to her longer through the day, or she needs a high-protein snack on the table when she gets in, like yogurt or cheese and crackers. (Often the craving for sweets is actually a craving for proteins, my doctor and her pediatrician both have told us.) If she's getting sweets 30 minutes before dinner, maybe dinnertime needs to move a little earlier. If she never gets sweets after dinner, maybe its' time try having dessert a few times a week instead of having sweet treats readily available in the pantry. And she can't eat what isn't there; stop buying sweets that sit in the pantry to be taken.

Does she think she has to get sweets without letting you know because you'll always say no? Say yes sometimes--which will be easier if you don't have many sweet things around. And please dont' say to your DD that she "sneaks" food if you've been OK with her getting food for herself; that's a mixed message. If the issue is that you're fine with her eating them, but you want to keep up with what's in the pantry since you are the one who fills it -- explain that to her. Kids this age like being treated like they can understand things like that.

If the issue is that the food she wants is sweets, make them less available: Don't have them in the house as much, or at all, or start having her help you make real desserts a few times a week rather than having pantry treats around. Bonus: Time together.

Yes, I let me kids take whatever they want from the cabinets. They are 8 and 11. They have already figured things like mealtime. I don’t need to provide extra information about mealtime. We use peapod, it’s not hard to restock. Your language suggests control over food that is inappropriate after the toddler years,

In OP’s situation, I would require all food to be eaten at the kitchen table, snacks included. They need not tell me about snacks. I have an 11 year old girl and that strikes me as too much monitoring, It’s good to eat a table, not while doing so,etching else. Plus, I don’t want food in bedrooms, etc. This way she doesn’t need to discuss the food choice with you but her eating is open, not secret.

[Anonymous]

I think most of this advice is pretty clueless from parents who have kids who self regulate well. I have a child that age with impulse control issues. She will hide sweets in her room or other places and binge eat them. The other day I saw her chugging a bottle of sprinkles that I’d just bought specially for a bake sale obligation for school. We are not a “no sweets” household and in fact eat dessert (often homemade) every day. But there is no such thing as reasonable intake for her, and she will eat an entire box of cookies that was supposed to be desert for the whole family, then lie about it.

I would love real helpful advice. The “just buy a reasonable amount of sweets and let them eat what they want” works for some kids (and works totally for my other children)—- but not the kids with a real sugar addiction or impulse control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most of this advice is pretty clueless from parents who have kids who self regulate well. I have a child that age with impulse control issues. She will hide sweets in her room or other places and binge eat them. The other day I saw her chugging a bottle of sprinkles that I’d just bought specially for a bake sale obligation for school. We are not a “no sweets” household and in fact eat dessert (often homemade) every day. But there is no such thing as reasonable intake for her, and she will eat an entire box of cookies that was supposed to be desert for the whole family, then lie about it.

I would love real helpful advice. The “just buy a reasonable amount of sweets and let them eat what they want” works for some kids (and works totally for my other children)—- but not the kids with a real sugar addiction or impulse control issues.

But you do realize that you regulating your child's intake is not a long-term solution? Your kid will soon be able to go places by herself and buy food by herself.

I don't know what the right answer is. My philosophy is not to restrict because I think that is more likely to lead to longer-term food issues. It's not easy to adhere to this philosophy when faced, as I am, with a DD who is a little chunky and not the greatest self-regulator. But I see too many adults with hangups about food that arise from how their parents managed their food intake. I just try to set a decent example of eating (everything in moderation), keep my kids active and set a good example by being active myself, and hope that things will work themselves out in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have a child who’s done this or understand what this is? DD continues to sneak sweet treats out of the cupboard even though I’ve told her that all she has to do is ask or let me know she wants a treat. I just don’t want her to steal or sneak the sweets. I have not punished her for this. What is this and what do I do about it?

It's about the fact that you feel the need to control her sweets. If you don't want her eating certain things don't have them in the house, but otherwise an 11 year old shouldn't need permission to get food from the cupboard.

You've made the sweets into the forbidden fruit and that makes them all the more tempting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for this. It is by far the most helpful and more accurate read on the situation. I am not tracking food but realize it’s been eaten when I go to get it. It feels like “sneaking” because other snacks she’ll eat when I am around. I never see her eating the treats unless we’re eating dessert together. I’ve found the wrappers in her room or in other odd places that she’s stashed them. She’s free to get any food any time but I do ask her to just let me know if it might be near meals or if we’re running low or if she wants me to get same or different snacks. She’s told me that she feels unhealthy when eating sweets & assure her that she/our family lives a healthy life so all foods including sweets are fine. She has mood issues with too much sugar & that’s why I want her to ask or let me know. I say yes unless it’s close to meal time.

I'm sorry but I feel confident that you have somehow created the idea in her head that sweets = bad, and therefore she feels she has to hide it. This may have been totally inadvertent. You may talk about weight and food in relation to your own body without noticing it, or you may make a big show out of the fact that you refrain from sweets yourself. There is something about how you handle food, weight, or body image that she has picked up on.

[Anonymous]

I have an 8 year old boy who is sugar obsessed, and would happily eat packaged granola bars from the minute he gets home from school until dinner time and then not want any dinner. So I’m one that also makes rules about snacking and my kids don’t have free reign over the kitchen. On weekends they claim to be hungry an hour after a big breakfast...at school no snacks, so I know their body isn’t trained to eat at hay time. My kids get plenty of food at meals, I have never ever said no to seconds, thirds, etc. they also get snacks after school and on the weekends, I’m not a die hard no snack dictator, but free reign would mean no real food gets eaten, just snacks.

Not sure how to Help the op, but surprised that everyone else has such an open kitchen

[Anonymous]

Why are you acting as the snack gatekeeper for an 11-year-old? Let her choose for herself. If she's having too many sweets, buy fewer of them.

When you make food intake an issue as a parent, you create food issues for your child.