How do you handle it when a parent unfairly criticizes your way of doing things at your own home?

[Anonymous]

Nobody stays with me longer than four days. After that and I need my space. Limit the amount of time she spends with you.

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me that the issue isn't the yardwork, it's the criticism.

No one feels good when they feel like a loved one won't let them be who they are. No one feels good when they feel like a loved one is trying to control them. These are boundary violations. They usually lead to anger. You have choices as to what to do with that anger: turn in inwards and get depressed; express it outwardly inappropriately and risk alienating those close to you; or express it appropriately and use it as a motivating force to bring change to your life.

OP, don't let your mother suck you into her drama. Continue to do what you feel is best for you, whether it means following a certain housework schedule or dressing in a certain way. You can't make your mom accept it, as you can't control other people. Nor can you control your mother's smear campaign when she says snide things to other members of the family, unfortunately.

You can set a boundary around what you will and will not tolerate: "If you x, then I will y." It could be as simple as "Mom, if you criticize my clothing, I will leave the room." When it happens, silently, without a fuss go somewhere else and refuse to engage in a fight about it. It's not open for discussion, and you're not going to be a doormat when your mom gets a whim about something.

Therapy is a great way to work on setting boundaries. Usually there is a reason why we don't feel comfortable asking to be treated fairly and why we need practice doing so in a safe place. You might also like The Boundaries Workbook; it has a religious bent that's not everyone's cup of tea (not mine), but if you can get past that, the information is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you're also very sensitive. Just say "THANKS SO MUCH for helping with the yard! I can't get to it more than once a week and so much falls during the spring. You're the best!"

I like this response! And, when she's done at your house, would you send her my way? Thanks so much!

[Anonymous]

If people are rude, you call them out on it
My view is parents do not get a pass
Have a quiet moment with her, hold her hands in yours and tell her you have something
important to say. Say that many times she is rude, makes rude comments,
and that it has to stop. For you to have a continuing close, loving relationship, it has to stop.
She can think what she wants. But it is rude to say it.
On the issue of her helping w/chores ... when you accept help you also give up some control.
That means she does it her way without judgment from you - - but she does not get to be
rude about it. If there is not an adjustment in how you act towards each other you need to
adjust your time together, you're spending too much time together.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if she is using her actions to in some way justify her presence but that her tone when she speaks comes off as critical? Because it sounds like she IS being helpful and doing things that need to be done. Sometimes when people are insecure the things they say are to make themselves feel better or more secure. Do you think that your mom may be trying to do things to help but that when she speaks you hear it as criticism?

[Anonymous]

Grow a thicker skin, OP. If your mother sees that she's not getting a rise out of you she may tone it down.

[Anonymous]

My mom is super critical like this too. But I've embraced it. I realize she just wants everything I have to be perfect. She often helps me fix up things, spray paint and decorate. I try not to take it personally and realize it's constructive criticism. She means well and at least she helps me which it sounds like your mom does too.

Sometimes I tell my mom no more complaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my mom who is visiting with us for a few months and I appreciate all that she is doing but today she is driving me on the edge.
I have a very busy schedule between work life and balancing family life. I am also taking online classes.

My mom is a little too blunt it hurts. For example, today she said how my yard looked unkempt and in her words “as if nobody lives here.” She said she would spend most of her day raking, cleaning the driveway etc. I let it slide. A few minutes ago, I heard her on the phone telling my older brother that she is helping me “clean my yard work since it’s too dirty.” That part hurt. My mom obviously doesn’t understand that it’s hard to keep up with flowers falling from trees over the spring. I can’t blow the sidewalks, driveway and the deck every day. The grass grows too fast over the spring and I can’t manage to have it mowed more than once a week.

My mom is a little old school too and she feels that I should dress like a 90 year old woman since I am married, she makes sneaky remarks. The summer season is coming up and I am not sure I should change my wardrobe just because she is uncomfortable with tank tops and shorts.

Of course I could explain the above to my mom but she is very sensitive and it’s hard for her to see something in someone else perspective. I guess the question is, how do I coexist with my mom without pulling my hair or feeling like a failure?

Hmm really, I hadn’t noticed. Hmm, interesting. You want to take over doing the yard while you’re here? Awesome! Thanks, I’ll go make some iced tea for you to have when you’re done. Thanks Mom. Hmm. Other things “topic x is not up for discussion. What we’re doing works for us. “

[Anonymous]

"You have been extremely rude and you won't be invited here again if you keep insulting me and how I manage my life."

She's blunt, is she? Mustn't dish it out if you can't take it

[Anonymous]

My mom occasionally says things that are critical, although she's not a generally critical person. But the upside is that she is totally willing to "fix" the problem. If they are visiting and she comments that my carpets are dirty, I tell her that I am willing to rent a carpet cleaner if she will clean the carpets. And she does! Or I'll tell her why we do X thing, and that's the end of it. Or I'll just agree--"Yeah, Mom, it's on my to-do list but I haven't gotten around to it yet." Then she drops it. But I find that agreeing with the critical person takes all the wind out of their sails. "Yep, you're right, it's terrible!" You don't even have to do the thing they think you should do, you just agree with them and then move on.

It also helps that I don't take it personally. Comments about my clothes or my house are not comments about my value as a person. My mom is not critical about things like how I parent my kid, for example, or even about my looks (weight, haircut, etc.) If it's just external stuff, it's not personal.

[Anonymous]

She's staying for you for a few months? Good grief she's practically living with you rent free. If she can pitch in and help out she should be doing it. If the yard is a mess and the garage/house filthy and she is able to roll up her sleeves and tackle that for you - let her.

[Anonymous]

OP here, like PP said, I think my mom is trying to justify being at my place but her snide comments hurt. Though my yard is not spotless, it is very clean but not to my mom’s standards. I have a landscaper who comes once a week and I weed and clean up the outdoors on weekends. I think I just need to find a way to tell my mom to just relax and enjoy being at our place.

Normally I wouldn’t have family members visit for more than two weeks at a time but my mom is visiting from abroad to spend time with us since DH is unwell - needs 24 hour care. I’m sure my moms means well and she wants to feel helpful and needed - but criticizing me, and the nursing staff and everyone else who is offering help is not helping the situation. She is a very nice person but like I said in my original post, my mom is very rigid.

[Anonymous]

We would just smile in the face of such criticism.

Then we moved to a small house with no guest room. Jokes on her.

[Anonymous]

A few MONTHS?!

Get her out of your house. That’s how I’d deal with it.

[Anonymous]

^PP and she’s there because your husband needs 24-hour care AND still mouthing off about your yard? She is overdue for a strong dose of STFU.