How do you handle it when a parent unfairly criticizes your way of doing things at your own home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow a thicker skin, OP. If your mother sees that she's not getting a rise out of you she may tone it down.

Variations on this advice show up on so many threads here. OP is upset. If someone has told you “Don’t be upset,” “Don’t be scared,” “Quit being anxious,” or even “That’s not funny,” has it ever changed your feelings on anything? Nope. It does make the speaker/writer feel better for having minimized someone else’s experience. That’s about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your yard actually look like that, though? If so, clean it up. Hire a landscaper to come weekly if you can't keep it clean. I agree in that you sound overly sensitive.

You people are a piece of work. Even if she is "overly sensitive" that doesn't excuse the rude remarks. I doubt you would walk up to someone and call their yard dirty or unkempt. Just b/c it's mom doesn't make it ok.

I'd strongly suggest just saying something, OP. You've had some good suggestions on here already. But make clear she's being rude. Unless she's willing to pay or do the work she's complaining about herself (and it sounds like she might be based on your post), she should drop it.

[Anonymous]

Gray rock. Non comittal replies. Do not let yourself be baited.

[Anonymous]

Last time my mother in law insisted on cleaning my house because she thought it was dirty, my husband brought me a cup of coffee and sat on the couch next to me while we both watched her clean. Basically we refused to feel guilty because the house didn't meet her standards. personally I think she should have a few more piles of books in her living room. She could stand to read more and be better informed.

[Anonymous]

Book rec for op: Leave me by Gayle Forman. I got it out of my library. The mom/grandma character was a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

My mom was like this and when I pointed out to her how her remarks stung, she'd gaslight me and insist that I was too sensitive. There's no reasoning with her. Best thing to do is ignore.

[Anonymous]

“Here’s your coat! “

[Anonymous]

If she is suggesting things that could be done, and it wont hurt anything if she does them... let her! FiL was like this for years... we have weeds, the bush needs pruning, your baseboards are dusty. For a while i got offended and frustrated, then i started saying i dont know how to do that! You do! You are so great! We are so lucky to have you!
And he would weed the yard for free whenever he visited

Or, don’t invite your mom to stay with you.

[Anonymous]

The goal for most of us is to help OP enact change in their relationship.

[Anonymous]

I have a similar issue with my mom - her criticism started with "I can't believe you think you can have a baby in your tiny apartment" and then repeated "I don't know where you're going to fit this stuff" comments aimed at making us feel like we are bad parents for having a kid in an apartment. I have the same issue where she doesn't see things from other peoples' perspective and if I brought up that it hurt my feelings when she says these things she was just say "geez, why are you sensitive??" (like, really?). I finally said "Mom, it would be great if you could focus your comments on some more positives, like how we've made a comfortable and cozy home for our family." Beyond that, I just completely ignore the comments and change the subject or walk away, and tell my family not to tell me what she says about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this and when I pointed out to her how her remarks stung, she'd gaslight me and insist that I was too sensitive. There's no reasoning with her. Best thing to do is ignore.

Yes, this was my mom too.

At least OP's mom offers to help. Just say thanks for the help and ignore or don't respond to as much criticism as possible.

I can understand it stings even worse when mom insists on telling other family members you aren't meeting her standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently went through this with my mom, although not as extreme as it sounds like you're dealing with. I told her, "Mom, you had your home the way you wanted it, I have mine now. Knock if off." Literally.

Sometimes I do this.

Sometimes I let things go bc I realize that mom and mil are getting older and it’s important for them to feel needed and useful relevant.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is like this too, especially since my son was born.

It's like she forgets this is my home and not hers, and DS is my child and not hers. She is obsessed with lecturing me on what's best for him.

Her favorite expression is "I don't mean to be rude, but..." (no surprise, she also loves "I don't mean to sound prejudiced/racist, but.."

I just ignore her and don't take any of her dumb suggestions.

I think she is trying to move in (no way that's happening) or moving in down the street (dear Lord, no).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom was like this and when I pointed out to her how her remarks stung, she'd gaslight me and insist that I was too sensitive. There's no reasoning with her. Best thing to do is ignore.

Yes, this was my mom too.

At least OP's mom offers to help. Just say thanks for the help and ignore or don't respond to as much criticism as possible.

I can understand it stings even worse when mom insists on telling other family members you aren't meeting her standards.

My MIL is a huge gossip and trash talker. I just ignore it now. The one thing I cannot stand (especially as my kids get older and start to understand her) is her trash talking me and DH to my kids (telling them bad things about mommy and daddy and how she hopes they don't grow up to do things like mommy and daddy).

[Anonymous]

No one should ever visit anyone for “a couple of months.”