How do you handle it when a parent unfairly criticizes your way of doing things at your own home?

[Anonymous]

I love my mom who is visiting with us for a few months and I appreciate all that she is doing but today she is driving me on the edge.
I have a very busy schedule between work life and balancing family life. I am also taking online classes.

My mom is a little too blunt it hurts. For example, today she said how my yard looked unkempt and in her words “as if nobody lives here.” She said she would spend most of her day raking, cleaning the driveway etc. I let it slide. A few minutes ago, I heard her on the phone telling my older brother that she is helping me “clean my yard work since it’s too dirty.” That part hurt. My mom obviously doesn’t understand that it’s hard to keep up with flowers falling from trees over the spring. I can’t blow the sidewalks, driveway and the deck every day. The grass grows too fast over the spring and I can’t manage to have it mowed more than once a week.

My mom is a little old school too and she feels that I should dress like a 90 year old woman since I am married, she makes sneaky remarks. The summer season is coming up and I am not sure I should change my wardrobe just because she is uncomfortable with tank tops and shorts.

Of course I could explain the above to my mom but she is very sensitive and it’s hard for her to see something in someone else perspective. I guess the question is, how do I coexist with my mom without pulling my hair or feeling like a failure?

[Anonymous]

I recently went through this with my mom, although not as extreme as it sounds like you're dealing with. I told her, "Mom, you had your home the way you wanted it, I have mine now. Knock if off." Literally.

[Anonymous]

You either bring it up and see what she says, stop hanging out with your mom, or continue to take it with the understanding that that's who she is. I guess you can also be snide back to her, but it sounds like she's got you cowed pretty good.

[Anonymous]

Well, this is DCUM, and if this were your MIL the advice would be - Cut off all contact!

But seriously. There's no way to handle this without ruffling her feathers, and that seems to stymie you. You said she's visiting for a few months , and that leads me to wonder if there are cultural issues at play?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're also very sensitive. Just say "THANKS SO MUCH for helping with the yard! I can't get to it more than once a week and so much falls during the spring. You're the best!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you're also very sensitive. Just say "THANKS SO MUCH for helping with the yard! I can't get to it more than once a week and so much falls during the spring. You're the best!"

Seriously. Free yardwork! I'd be all over that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe focus on her intent? Do you think she’s saying these things to bother you or do you think she’s saying these things as her way of caring? I don’t know her so I have no clue. But that may help when hearing her remarks.

My MIL is always telling me something about my life isn’t right. I’ve accepted that’s her way of showing she cares. Granted there are days where I rather she never care about us again, there are more days I am glad she is in my life.

[Anonymous]

How would you deal with any other adult who makes inappropriate comments about your home and physical appearance? Be direct but polite.

Mom: Snide comment about your clothes
You: It's hot. I'm going to wear this. Walk away.

Mom: Comment about unkempt yard.
You: That's just the way it is. The flowers are falling from the trees and the grass grows faster in the spring.

[Anonymous]

Do we have the same mom? My mom is the exact same way. She made a comment because my toddler's stroller has some crushed cheerios and melts in the storage bag under the seat. Well, guess what? My husband and I both work full-time and don't have time to clean out the stroller constantly.

I know it's hard, but you have to just let it slide. I'm not good at doing it, but your mom sounds like she will always be critical, just like mine is. You have to just try to let it not bother you.

[Anonymous]

My mom was the same way. I'm convinced that she had no filter; she never paused to think the effect of her words on other people, especially her children. She was also a perfectionist, so she noticed a lot of things not to her liking and just blurted out her opinions. It really messed up my mind b/c I knew deep down that she loved me unconditionally, but her little jabs were so unkind. I think she had undiagnosed mental conditions. Now that she's gone I focus on her loving acts, but I'm still struggling to understand some of her actions.

[Anonymous]

I don't handle it well. I bottle it up inside and it comes out as a stomach ache. Don't be me.

[Anonymous]

You know that your mom is just like this. So don't take it personally! First, ignore the sneaky, passive-aggressive comments. Take everything she says at face value. Never rise to the bait.

Let the criticism roll off your back. Respond with polite, but non-committal and vague comments. "I'll have to think about that." "Huh, I hadn't thought of it that way."

Or enthusiastically agree with her--"Yeah, the yard really is a mess! I just don't have time to keep up with it these days. Thanks for helping out--you are so awesome!"

[Anonymous]

The first thing you need to try to do is stop caring so much. Seriously. Who cares if you're yard is overgrown? You're successfully juggling a gazillion other things right? And you don't care about the grass, given the other more important priorities in your life, right?

So you need to let yourself off the hook and genuinely not care. Then you can accept your mother's help as value added to your life, applaud her for being willing/able to do the things you don't have the bandwidth for, thank her for letting you prioritize the roles that only you can fill (like being a mother, getting your degree, building your career...)

The most important person who needs to not care about this stuff is you - and you're not quite there yet. But anyone can cut grass - so let her! Welcome it!

[Anonymous]

"It must be easy when you're retired with lots of free time to forget how hard it is when you're in the thick of parenting and working."

[Anonymous]

Does your yard actually look like that, though? If so, clean it up. Hire a landscaper to come weekly if you can't keep it clean. I agree in that you sound overly sensitive.