ADHD second grader being bullied, but I know she is part of the problem

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a now 13 yo who had some of these same issues. I think the best thing I've done is get her into a few different after school activities, with different kids. She didn't really make strong friendships, but she made a few casual friends and she just enjoyed being part of the group and doing the activities. Some kids aren't going to hit their stride until they're older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please expand on OPs role in this? She acknowledged her DD has impulse control issues, and is not an angel. What would you have her do, according to your logic? Tell her she deserves public shunning until she gets the ADHD stuff under control? Yeah, that would teach her.

Well she can start by not calling another child “awful” for doing something that her own child does. And how do we (or OP) know that this “awful” child doesn’t also have ADHD? Do you think she would advertise it to everyone?

Instead of talking to the teacher, I’d start by explaining the girl’s behavior in the context of OP’s daughter’s behavior, that other kids struggle with the same things, that we all need to try to be as understanding as we can be, etc. And explain that the same standards apply, that kids will treat you how you treat them, etc.

ADHD is not a free pass for being nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can’t say that your daughter is “quite nasty” but a “poor girl” yet the other girl in class is “awful” for simply giving your child a dose of her own medicine.

You need to take a good long look in the mirror and start by acknowledging the part that *you* are playing here before you can do anything to help your child.

Why do you need to be nasty? I’m always amazed at these reactions/responses

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a son with ADHD and mental health issues. Yes he’s created some of his own problems, mostly out of not knowing how to handle complicated situations. One thing I never do is allow him to stay home. If that becomes the coping strategy, it is hard to turn it around.

[Anonymous]

Good advice. I will bring her in at lunch time today.

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts——-You can’t expect 7-8 year olds to understand that adhd and impulse control can contribute to poor behavior and choices. Especially if they don’t know that your daughter has adhd. So to them it’s just that your dd can be impulsive and say mean things (or whatever she does). And if it gets done to such an extent that a lot of kids start disliking her, it might be time to change her meds or dosage.

Kids also tend to exaggerate—-so she thinks the entire class hates her, when it’s 2-4 clique-y girls who probably are a little catty to the weak.

I would talk to the teacher to see what’s really happening. Ask for help from the counselor if it is a class-wide issue. Maybe he/she can do a class talk about kindness/understanding.

And continue to talk to your daughter about consequences of her actions. Special needs or not, all actions have consequences and you can’t give her the adhd crutch all the time. She still needs to work on taking responsibility. We have to do this with my son. Use the growth mindset principle to help her understand (they hopefully talk about that in school).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old DD told me this evening that she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow, because all the other girls tell secrets about her, stop talking when she comes near, and exclude her from lunch/recess. She said its every girl in her class, and she is devastated, begging me to stay home. Now I know that she is contributing to this situation--she can be quite nasty herself, stemming from the ADHD impulse control issues, and we're working on that. But the fact she is being excluded by all the girls really breaks my heart. She even said that one girl laughs at her, and says she is mean because her parents are divorced. Ouch, poor girl is still trying to cope with the divorce last year, and this awful classmate really knows how to kick her when she is down. Should I let DD stay home from school, to give her a break tomorrow? I've already sent a note to her teacher explaining the situation and asking for some type of intervention. What else should I, or can I do? Thanks.

OP my DS has ADHD and has difficulty reading social cues. While he hasn't been exclusive or mean, he can be extremely irritating to other kids and adults. The problem with bullying and ADHD is that often it's not clear cut- kids respond to behaviors they don't like (they have a right to do that), but then, it morphs into group dynamics of exclusion, and eventually targeting. The child with the social skills issues usually responds in a way that is, at best, ineffective, and at worst, inappropriate. It's a horrible cycle and of course, teachers and other parents see the inappropriate behavior as the problem- not the dynamic leading up to it.
The first thing, is don't let your daughter stay home from school. It may lead to a pattern of school refusal if she begins to think it's an option. Find an outside activity that your daughter enjoys and gives her confidence. My DS did martial arts for a long time, and now he joined an indoor rock climbing team (his favorite activity). Gently talk with daughter about what is leading up to her problems. I have found that if I focus less on "the event," and ask "what happened first?" I will get a clearer picture. We've had cases of extremely unacceptable behavior from other students toward my son but something can be learned from every situation. Don't give up on social skills group- my DS started at eight, he is now eleven and the change in his metacognition has been remarkable, but slow progress.
Finally, and I mean this seriously, watch for anxiety and depression. It happens in young kids too- my DS became extremely anxious and depressed at school. We pulled him out for a year of homeschooling before MS. I know that seems drastic and I'm not recommending it as an option, but he was at a place where he was having feelings hopelessness and worthlessness. We discovered in the process that the particular school setting he was in (small private) was absolutely the wrong environment. That's another story, but I personally believe kids benefit from a diverse and larger student group-a bad peer fit in a small classroom is terrible for kids who want friends.

[Anonymous]

PP, this is an extremely helpful post, thank you. We are at a small private, and I was thinking this is the way to go because of small class sizes. However, and can see how it will become more difficult to navigate as these dynamics deepen.

Thanks to the other good advice I got from this post (ignore the trolls!), I kept her home this morning to calm down, take a break, think about coping methods, and how she could have contributed. But wouldn't let her stay home the whole day. I took her in at lunch, and observed. , as we were walking towards the library, the girls from her class ran away from us. When we passed them, they were all giggling and looking at the ground. No greetings or smiles.

So it looks like DD isn't exaggerating about this one. The social rejection by all the girls in the class is just too much. I shared my observations with the teacher and guidance counselor and asked them how they can intervene, both the the other girls, and with DD. Maybe I need to find another social skills group?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old DD told me this evening that she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow, because all the other girls tell secrets about her, stop talking when she comes near, and exclude her from lunch/recess. She said its every girl in her class, and she is devastated, begging me to stay home. Now I know that she is contributing to this situation--she can be quite nasty herself, stemming from the ADHD impulse control issues, and we're working on that. But the fact she is being excluded by all the girls really breaks my heart. She even said that one girl laughs at her, and says she is mean because her parents are divorced. Ouch, poor girl is still trying to cope with the divorce last year, and this awful classmate really knows how to kick her when she is down. Should I let DD stay home from school, to give her a break tomorrow? I've already sent a note to her teacher explaining the situation and asking for some type of intervention. What else should I, or can I do? Thanks.

I am sorry you are going through this. I have a six year old who fakes tummy aches so he doesn’t have to go to school so I try to really make sure my kids are prepared for their day by speaking life into them. Maybe say something encouraging to her before she goes to school. I know that at her age kids really care a lot about what their peers think and say about them but make sure she realizes what really matters in life. My daughter has ADHD and she has gotten picked on for many years, now in 5th grade she doesn’t seem to get bothered by it as much. Just talking with her and encouraging her could be helpful. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Also making sure she has opportunities to make more friends through sports or activities outside of school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, this is an extremely helpful post, thank you. We are at a small private, and I was thinking this is the way to go because of small class sizes. However, and can see how it will become more difficult to navigate as these dynamics deepen.

Thanks to the other good advice I got from this post (ignore the trolls!), I kept her home this morning to calm down, take a break, think about coping methods, and how she could have contributed. But wouldn't let her stay home the whole day. I took her in at lunch, and observed. , as we were walking towards the library, the girls from her class ran away from us. When we passed them, they were all giggling and looking at the ground. No greetings or smiles.

So it looks like DD isn't exaggerating about this one. The social rejection by all the girls in the class is just too much. I shared my observations with the teacher and guidance counselor and asked them how they can intervene, both the the other girls, and with DD. Maybe I need to find another social skills group?

pp here- I found that my son doesn’t exaggerate the events either. What he doesn’t understand is what led up to the issues. His therapist said something that I have tried to communicate to him— “everyone is figuring this out. All of the kids are learning what friendship means.” It can help with the hurt if your DD realizes that everyone is struggling - and while she has to take responsibility for her own actions- the other girls aren’t doing this only in response to her, but also because they may be trying to fit in and seek attention with each other.
It’s an important protective exercise in metacognition that will help later- sometimes people’s crummy behavior toward us isn’t 100% about us.

[Anonymous]

"everyone is figuring this out" is very insightful and true.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is probably not exaggerating, and even if she is, her perception is that all the girls are mean and she is dealing with this. I echo another poster’s suggestion about getting her involved in activities outside of school. My DD went through similar things, and was a contributor because of her impulse control, although she wasn’t nasty with others, and Girl Scouts was a lifesaver. It has given her the opportunity to develop close connections with a group of girls and given the limited amount of their interaction, and the fact that their time together is structured and led by an adult in a small group, she doesn’t have as much time to get on their nerves. She also participated in a competitive sport outside of school. So her birthday party only had one girl from her class but had girls from scouts and her sport.

Also, ditch the social skills groups. An OT once told me that once kids get older it is better to have them in real-life situations or activities with adults close by so that kids can learn social skills in real settings.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. I would reach out to the teacher and the guidance counselor about the issue and see what insights and guidance they have to offer.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry about that's happening. It does sound like your child was the one who may have started the bullying and now they are bullying back. Natural consequences.
I would look at this as an opportunity for her to improve her social skills and empathy. The other girls are being awful but your child should know that they may be reacting to how she acted previously.