Reply to ADHD second grader being bullied, but I know she is part of the problem

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My 8 year old DD told me this evening that she doesn't want to go to school tomorrow, because all the other girls tell secrets about her, stop talking when she comes near, and exclude her from lunch/recess. She said its every girl in her class, and she is devastated, begging me to stay home. Now I know that she is contributing to this situation--she can be quite nasty herself, stemming from the ADHD impulse control issues, and we're working on that. But the fact she is being excluded by all the girls really breaks my heart. She even said that one girl laughs at her, and says she is mean because her parents are divorced. Ouch, poor girl is still trying to cope with the divorce last year, and this awful classmate really knows how to kick her when she is down. Should I let DD stay home from school, to give her a break tomorrow? I've already sent a note to her teacher explaining the situation and asking for some type of intervention. What else should I, or can I do? Thanks.[/quote]

OP my DS has ADHD and has difficulty reading social cues. While he hasn't been exclusive or mean, he can be extremely irritating to other kids and adults. The problem with bullying and ADHD is that often it's not clear cut- kids respond to behaviors they don't like (they have a right to do that), but then, it morphs into group dynamics of exclusion, and eventually targeting. The child with the social skills issues usually responds in a way that is, at best, ineffective, and at worst, inappropriate. It's a horrible cycle and of course, teachers and other parents see the inappropriate behavior as the problem- not the dynamic leading up to it.  
The first thing, is don't let your daughter stay home from school. It may lead to a pattern of school refusal if she begins to think it's an option. Find an outside activity that your daughter enjoys and gives her confidence. My DS did martial arts for a long time, and now he joined an indoor rock climbing team (his favorite activity). Gently talk with daughter about what is leading up to her problems. I have found that if I focus less on "the event," and ask "what happened first?" I will get a clearer picture. We've had cases of extremely unacceptable behavior from other students toward my son but something can be learned from every situation. Don't give up on social skills group- my DS started at eight, he is now eleven and the change in his metacognition has been remarkable, but slow progress. 
Finally, and I mean this seriously, watch for anxiety and depression. It happens in young kids too- my DS became extremely anxious and depressed at school. We pulled him out for a year of homeschooling before MS. I know that seems drastic and I'm not recommending it as an option, but he was at a place where he was having feelings hopelessness and worthlessness. We discovered in the process that the particular school setting he was in (small private) was absolutely the wrong environment. That's another story, but I personally believe kids benefit from a diverse and larger student group-a bad peer fit in a small classroom is terrible for kids who want friends. [/quote]

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