Reply to Losing the war with my 13 yo DD

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]“You don’t have like what I’m doing/what’s for dinner/fill in the blank, but you don’t get to be rude. If you choose to respond again in that way, the phone is gone for the rest of the week.”

“It looks like you need some space to work through this. I’m going about my business downstairs.”

“You can one have snack here in the kitchen and then that’s it.” (my kids are not allowed to take food out of the kitchen/eating area. No eating in bedrooms or tv watching area in basement) Dinner is in an hour.”

“I’m going to step out of this conversation right now because I need a break. I’ll be available to talk when you’re calm and not yelling.” Then walk away without any more engagement.

—mom of a 12 year old girl. Just trying to stay calm and not engage in the crazy.

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From a parent of an older teen DD: These are good lines for your script, OP. Say them with calm and with all the love you can put into your voice. When DD realizes she's heard one of these lines before and she snarkily says, "You said that yesterday!" then agree with her: "Yes, I realize I said that yesterday. And whenever it's needed, I'll give you space/step out/let your reconsider how you said things."

Also: This phrase gets overused but it's true: Catch her being good. Find things to praise. Small things are fine. Remember to thank her even for stuff that some adults take for granted as "well, we all have to do those things!" such as taking out the trash without fussing or putting her clothes in the hamper. I know some posters would say that's not anything that deserves special praise or you'll be spoiling her etc. but I found it does help to build, over time, a more respectful kid because she'll feel (without even realizing it) that the adults do notice her when she does things right and respectfully. "Thanks for taking out the trash." "The clothes being in the hamper was a big help. Thanks." Etc.

Find some interactions each week that you can have with her that will be low-stress. Does she like certain movies or TV shows? Can you watch together and talk about them? Do you drive her to activities or school or school events? Can you ask her positive questions about them? (My DD loves to talk about one particular class at school so I often will direct things toward, "Hey, wasn't Fred's presentation this week? How was it?" because she will love to talk about how funny a student was, etc.) Out of the blue, offer something -- if she hasn't seen a particular friend in a while, tell her, "This weekend you don't have Activity A. If you'd like to invite Friend over for pizza and to watch a movie/play a game?"

As for snacks: What is not in the house can't be eaten. I'd taper off buying any snacks if there are certain ones she eats to excess. Substitute something that will be less tempting, frankly. If you have other kids who snack on the same stuff, this is harder, but I've got only the one child and it's easy to control what is in the house that she can access. Don't make any big announcement about "I'm cutting back buying any snacks" etc., just do it. "Mom where are the X?!" "Oh, I'm not getting to the store again until Wednesday. There's fruit in the fruit bowl. Otherwise, dinner's in an hour." "They were out of X at the store, sorry."

Unless there are weight issues I would focus first on cooling down the emotions and working on chill reactions to her, and finding positive interactions to have each week, before I would focus on snacks. Don't do it all at once.

And do not listen to the "it's her hormones" stuff. Yes, that does indeed play a role but should not excuse rudeness or attitude.

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