Reply to Husband wants to find bio dad. Bio dad doesn’t know he has a son.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds like he's going through a rough time with his mother and somehow thinks finding his dad would provide some sort of answer. As irrational as that idea is, it's still his right to find his bio father. You can try all the arguments you want, but ultimately you have no say in this matter. Butt out. [/quote]
I just don’t want to see him unnecessarily hurt. And for what? He’s a wonderful man despite never knowing his father.

I KNOW it isn’t my choice, but I’m seeing more clearly, and I don’t want him hurt.[/quote]

OP, while you are trying to do what you think is best for him, you don't have the right perspective.  You have an outsider's perspective of what is best for him.  As the person involved, he is the one that would have to live the rest of his life with regret if he doesn't not do this.  Especially if his father is still alive and passes in the next few years (from the description, his father is already in his 70's), then he will be full of woulda, coulda, shoulda and regrets.  Even if he meets his father and his father rejects him, then he has closure.  Right now, he has this open wound of never having met or known his father.  He has been given the opportunity of at least meeting his father.  And even if he meets him only once, hears his voice and shakes his hand, that can still provide some closure to a person.  There is a missing piece of his past and he just wants to find it, put it in its place.  For many people in similar situations to your husband, just that little bit is enough to provide some closure so that he can move forward with his life without having the regret of missing the chance to meet his father before his death.

3 of my four grandparents were executed by the Communist Party in China during the Communist revolution.  My maternal grandmother survived.  In 1979 when Communist China reopened their borders, we were one of the first families to travel to the country.  My mother saw her mother in 1979 almost 30 years to the day from when she fled the country.  Her mother was old and paralyzed from the neck down.  She could speak very slurred (my Mandarin is decent, but not great and I could not understand much of anything she said).  My grandmother had 9 children and 15 grandchildren.  9 of the grandchildren were to children who fled China before the Communist revolution.  She only knew 6 of her grandchildren well.  Of the 9 (6 raised in Taiwan and 3 of us raised in the US), I was the only grandchild to have met her at all.  She passed away 5 months after our visit.  I grew up with no grandparents.  Even though I only met her for 2 weeks, couldn't really understand anything she said, I still have to say that I felt a sense of closure having met her before she passed.  I've always had a slight jealousy of people who have known their grandparents, even ones with dysfunctional relationships.  It's not something that bothers me every day, but I sometimes have a feeling of having missed out on something.  I don't know whether it would have been a good or bad relationship, but it still feels like something was missing.  Even having only met her briefly and not having any type of relationship with her, it's still closure, having known.

I think you need to let your husband pursue this himself.  While you may be right, he is the one who has to live with the feeling off knowing that he could have but didn't try to meet his father once he had some information on how to find him.  He is the one that will have the regrets if he doesn't pursue this.  And he is the one that has to live with the feeling of knowing that he didn't try to find his father.  If he meets his father, and has a bad meeting, even rejection, then at least he can close that part of him off knowing he tried and it didn't work out.  But not having tried is something he will never be able to shake, if that matters to him.  And only he can know if and how much it will matter to him.  Neither of my siblings feels much loss from not having known any of our grandparents, but I know that I feel better having met my one grandmother for that short time.[/quote]

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