I need to leave my husband but don't know how

[Anonymous]

There was a thread on her a few months ago. Some DWs just check out of the marriage part and just carry on making plans with the kids and not with DH, and DH is just like a roommate. Try that out.

[Anonymous]

You need to detach emotionally from this man and take care of your children. Do not argue with him. Disengage. And start to plan an exit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I agree that I need counseling.

Maybe I don't need to leave him. I need to stop expecting something different from him. He's a good dad, but he has an addiction, and it's hurting me because I never thought I'd be married to a guy like this -- that I'm constantly covering up for. I need help because I'm turning into a person who I hate. It hurts so bad.

I’m sorry, OP. You’re not alone. I’m also in a bad space with my DH right now.

At the moment, you need some physical separation to allow yourself to think and make decisions that won’t impact you or your DD in a negative way.

[Anonymous]

If this is real, you need to understand that you are in crisis mode. Pack an overnight bag and when he gets home tell him that you need to stay at a hotel tonight and that all further conversations need to wait until tomorrow. (Or send him to a hotel if you think he will cooperate.)

If you need to get your kids ready in the morning, set your alarm so you can be back in time for that, but right now you need to triage.

This is a time to remove as much emotion as possible and treat the situation rationally.

[Anonymous]

Get your ass to Al-Anon. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get your ass to Al-Anon. Good luck.

Lol. I think this is AA, right?

Believe it or not, neither DH nor I drink at all. Life would probably be easier if we did l

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I agree that I need counseling.

Maybe I don't need to leave him. I need to stop expecting something different from him. He's a good dad, but he has an addiction, and it's hurting me because I never thought I'd be married to a guy like this -- that I'm constantly covering up for. I need help because I'm turning into a person who I hate. It hurts so bad.

I’m sorry, OP. You’re not alone. I’m also in a bad space with my DH right now.

At the moment, you need some physical separation to allow yourself to think and make decisions that won’t impact you or your DD in a negative way.

This is helpful. My automatic reaction is to want to be close to him but that's it is the cycle. I agree. We need space. He will get a hotel for a couple days if I ask. We'll have to deal with it again on Friday/weekend though. It'd be nice if I can have some advice with dealing with it on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is real, you need to understand that you are in crisis mode. Pack an overnight bag and when he gets home tell him that you need to stay at a hotel tonight and that all further conversations need to wait until tomorrow. (Or send him to a hotel if you think he will cooperate.)

If you need to get your kids ready in the morning, set your alarm so you can be back in time for that, but right now you need to triage.

This is a time to remove as much emotion as possible and treat the situation rationally.

Not sure what triage means. Not sure that I can remove emotion. I'm just not one of those people. I'm very emotional. I need specific directions and then I'll follow them. DH will get a hotel until Friday night. That buys a couple days. What do I do Friday night? Saturday? Sunday? Just don't talk to him. Until when? I'm also shaken from the cops. -- humiliated and embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I agree that I need counseling.

Maybe I don't need to leave him. I need to stop expecting something different from him. He's a good dad, but he has an addiction, and it's hurting me because I never thought I'd be married to a guy like this -- that I'm constantly covering up for. I need help because I'm turning into a person who I hate. It hurts so bad.

I’m sorry, OP. You’re not alone. I’m also in a bad space with my DH right now.

At the moment, you need some physical separation to allow yourself to think and make decisions that won’t impact you or your DD in a negative way.

This is helpful. My automatic reaction is to want to be close to him but that's it is the cycle. I agree. We need space. He will get a hotel for a couple days if I ask. We'll have to deal with it again on Friday/weekend though. It'd be nice if I can have some advice with dealing with it on the weekend.

Just take it one day at a time. Start formulating your plan to leave. Thankfully you have an income that will allow you to do so.

[Anonymous]

op, you need to recognize that you are in a co-dependent relationship. you need some serious therapy to figure out why you do not simply leave, as most people would.

remove the emotion, and initiate separation. what you're allowing your daughter to see is horribly unhealthy for her.

you need steps? ask him to stay in a hotel for a few days to cool off. Then, you sit down, maybe with a mediator, and figure out what separation is--does he move out, do you, what is temporary custody arrangements. then, you do that split and work toward divorce.

yes, you will take a financial hit. but being together sounds completely untenable.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad you included that you are an Ivy-league grad. That tells us a very important thing about you. Just kidding - it means nothing.

I am a community college grad (after five years including summer sessions but again, education means nothing here) and will tell you how to leave him.

Tomorrow, call a lawyer. Tell them you need a divorce and don't know where to start. They will guide you. They will want the date of your marriage, each of your dates of birth, the dates of your kids birth, and to know what real estate you own and what kind of jobs each of you have. So have that information ready. They'll guide you through the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so glad you included that you are an Ivy-league grad. That tells us a very important thing about you. Just kidding - it means nothing.

I am a community college grad (after five years including summer sessions but again, education means nothing here) and will tell you how to leave him.

Tomorrow, call a lawyer. Tell them you need a divorce and don't know where to start. They will guide you. They will want the date of your marriage, each of your dates of birth, the dates of your kids birth, and to know what real estate you own and what kind of jobs each of you have. So have that information ready. They'll guide you through the rest.

I just meant that I shouldn't be this stupid. I should know better.

Very helpful otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a thread on her a few months ago. Some DWs just check out of the marriage part and just carry on making plans with the kids and not with DH, and DH is just like a roommate. Try that out.

But...why? Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Is there a part of you that is addicted to this cycle - pain, anger, fighting, togetherness - again and again. Is there a secondary gain in there for you? Is the pattern replicating your family dynamics growing up? If you feel like you would rather kill him than leave (not necessarily literally, but emotionally) then you are likely codependent and are as entrenched in this endless cycle as he is.

Therapy is key - he may be sick, but you aren’t healthy right now either, and you need to be, for your daughters. They’re h hearing the screaming too, obviously - that’s horrible for them.

Get some help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a part of you that is addicted to this cycle - pain, anger, fighting, togetherness - again and again. Is there a secondary gain in there for you? Is the pattern replicating your family dynamics growing up? If you feel like you would rather kill him than leave (not necessarily literally, but emotionally) then you are likely codependent and are as entrenched in this endless cycle as he is.

Therapy is key - he may be sick, but you aren’t healthy right now either, and you need to be, for your daughters. They’re h hearing the screaming too, obviously - that’s horrible for them.

Get some help.

Yes, dad was emotionally unavailable. Yes, I'm codep. I see that now. Not sure if that helps but you are right. I well get therapy as soon as I can get in.

I moved DH's things to finished basement (no kitchen).

I think that'll be a temp solution starting Friday night. If it didn't work out, I'll get a renter and use that money to cover the mortgage.