One spouse moving overseas for 1-2yrs, things to consider

[Anonymous]

Huge eye roll at the previous comments. Where I grew up, Alaska, a time splitting kind of job was very common — think 3 weeks on the slope, one off, 3 on, etc. These families were almost invariably well-off.

I don’t really have much to say other than that i’ve Seen this happen all my life, and it was very normal. Many happy, successful marriages, many happy, well-adjusted kids — and this was in the pre-Skype era.

[Anonymous]

We did this in our family for a while and we made it work. It helped that I am very independent and don't get bothered by needing all the logistics/ home/ kid stuff to be on me for extended periods of time. And it worked because DH was completely 'on' when he was here - he rallied despite the jet lag and did everything with our kids when he was here. Frankly it was harder on DH living out of hotels and being on the road than it was on us and we really had to prioritize carving out time to Skype and get on the phone with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But DH is excited about this opportunity

It's not all about him. We can't always get what we want.

[Anonymous]

It's very difficult in all the ways you anticipate and other mention. However, it could also be a really cool opportunity. Depending on how old DC is and what your work situation is, could you all move there, or travel with him?

[Anonymous]

You may have to accept the fact that you dont know what strain this will put on your marriage and parenting relationships, and you may get divorced. If you are ok with that, consider it. Everyone I know who has been married and separated by continents for 6 months to a year+ is now divorced.

[Anonymous]

Like an earlier poster said, military people do it all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Former military, now Fed family. We have lived all over the world. You do not accept involuntary separations. Move with him.

[Anonymous]

My dad was government and often took hardship 6 month or year long posts in war-torn areas while I was growing up, primarily for the money. My mom did not work outside the home and raised 3 kids while he did this.

I wouldn’t want to model my life and marriage on the way they did that. Life is too short and it was a huge hardship on our family, emotionally. Would not recommend it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Former military, now Fed family. We have lived all over the world. You do not accept involuntary separations. Move with him.

This. Grew up in a military family, and we moved every time, even when it was only for a year. Went to 3 different high schools. (There was a firm family rule that junior and senior year were in the same place.) Zero regrets. Strong family, and great experience for me as a kid to experience so many different places. And to be clear, they weren't all exotic or cool locales, but I headed into adulthood with intact, loving family, and the ability to take on new situations with flexibility and resilience.

[Anonymous]

So, basically, the douche is choosing a career over his kid. I'd be excited for him to leave so I could divorce him asap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, basically, the douche is choosing a career over his kid. I'd be excited for him to leave so I could divorce him asap.

Family decision, curious for feedback from others with experience. OP. Thanks to those who have shared their experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But DH is excited about this opportunity

He also chose to have a family. He sounds selfish to me. I could have lots of exciting opportunities too, but I chose to get married and have kids and I need to balance my career priorities with my husband's as well. That means we don't do extensive travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, basically, the douche is choosing a career over his kid. I'd be excited for him to leave so I could divorce him asap.

Family decision, curious for feedback from others with experience. OP. Thanks to those who have shared their experiences.

So, you're okay making the decision for you kid not to have a dad. Because that's what it's coming down to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may have to accept the fact that you dont know what strain this will put on your marriage and parenting relationships, and you may get divorced. If you are ok with that, consider it. Everyone I know who has been married and separated by continents for 6 months to a year+ is now divorced.

Everyone I know who has been married and separated by continents for 6 months to a year+ is fine. Heck, people in long-distance relationships make it work all the time. Like all things in life, YMMV. Some people are fine with single parenting for a year and running everything by themselves, others just aren't cut out for it - it's not easy! You just need to sit down and think seriously about whether you have the skills and fortitude to do it all on your own. Time differences are no joke. My husband travels constantly for work and we schedule Skype, but we are also kid-free and I like the space and time to myself. However, if we had a kid I'd want dates on the books for visits and a set schedule for the child to talk to dad daily. You can't expect much of your husband while he's abroad - you'll need to run *everything* related to home, school and social life/activities. Will you feel resentful when you husband takes a cool weekend trip to a nearby country while you're schlepping around the kid on errands?

Growing up my friend's father worked abroad in the Middle East. He visited once a year and they had weekend calls (age of no skype/facetime). They have a lovely relationship today and she is happy with her childhood. He worked abroad for years and years. 6 months to a year is kind of nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may have to accept the fact that you dont know what strain this will put on your marriage and parenting relationships, and you may get divorced. If you are ok with that, consider it. Everyone I know who has been married and separated by continents for 6 months to a year+ is now divorced.

Everyone I know who has been married and separated by continents for 6 months to a year+ is fine. Heck, people in long-distance relationships make it work all the time. Like all things in life, YMMV. Some people are fine with single parenting for a year and running everything by themselves, others just aren't cut out for it - it's not easy! You just need to sit down and think seriously about whether you have the skills and fortitude to do it all on your own.

Ditto. I'm a frequent traveler who's also relocated several times (Foreign Service) and know a number of couples who've been in this boat. The vast majority come out of it fine, the handful who didn't were couples who probably would've ended up divorced anyway.

I'm dealing with this right now myself - DW and I both live in DC but my current job is close to 50% travel, almost all of it international. In addition, I'll probably have to go back overseas next year, but I'm considering a 1 year unaccompanied tour to get it over with quicker - DW can stay home and focus on her career, and I'll still be home every couple of months for R&R. Fortunately we're both highly independent and don't have kids. Being apart is hard, but that's what Skype and WhatsApp is for. That being said, I'm definitely looking forward to retiring and not having to live out of a suitcase anymore - it really is exhausting after a while.

OP, I'd definitely think hard about it. It most definitely can work, but requires a certain type of person - not everyone is suited for it.