One spouse moving overseas for 1-2yrs, things to consider

[Anonymous]

DH is very excited about a job opportunity that may present itself, but it would require spending 50-75% of his time in another region of the world so he could be gone for weeks or even 2-3 months at a time. The work appeals to him, as does the potential for extra income which would allow us to make some longer-term financial decisions more easily.

Other than the obvious missing one another and potential impact on DC, what else do we need to think about? How hard is it to maintain a marriage and parenting relationships when one spouse is gone that much?

[Anonymous]

Can you and DC move for a couple of years?

[Anonymous]

It seems like a way to forget how to be together and run your lives together. You will be different people in some ways after two years. I wouldn’t do it.

[Anonymous]

If he is able to come back every 6 weeks it’ll be nice. I just went throguh this with a deployed husband and a 2 year old (she was 1 when he left). I didn’t see him straight for 6 months and only every 2 months before that for 6 months. We made it. Our relationship is as strong as ever. I did have a lot of family help as everyone is close by. We Skyped a lot. It also helped that he wasn’t out having fun and I was stuck at home. I woh and pretty much just worked and spent time with my kid and grandparents. It may have been a different feeling if he was on a business trip with free time and going out etc.
make some parenting decisions now. You will be the default parent, House runner for the duration of his position. He can’t swoop in every couple weeks/months and dictate how you’re parenting/doing things. Make plans and spreadsheets from everything from schooling to lawn care etc. DH didn’t like some of the things I did while he was gone but I wasn’t going to run every small decision by him every time and wait for his input. The big stuff we discussed before he left. The few visits home he had we did fun things and family things and no chores or shopping etc.

[Anonymous]

it really depends on what the two of you are made of...couples can grow apart under the same roof and seeing one another each day....distance should not have to be the determining factor for a successful marriage, shucks how do military spouses survive??

[Anonymous]

We were separated for two years due to military. I could not leave my job/situation and my husband was sent cross country and had two years till retirement. Luckily we did not have kids yet. We'd try to see each other every 3-4 months for a long weekend or little more if we could get off. It was harder seeing each other than not. Just something to consider. I'd get really upset before the trip knowing it was just a few days and would only relax a day or so before knowing one of us was leaving. At the end, we didn't visit and honestly it was much easier on both of us (I wouldn't do this if I had kids). Him coming back was also a tuff adjustment as we did things very differently. It all worked out, we made it work and now he's in a job that he travels a lot. He tries to limit travel and on some good trips we go with him.

[Anonymous]

Skype - how comfortable are you with it? How much are each of you long-distance communicators generally? I'm an extrovert who telecommutes but I'm not really into "talking on the phone" at the end of the day. Just "being" with my partner is important to me. YMMV.

You will make most of the day-to-day decisions re: parenting and household management. Transitions when your spouse returns (how good are you about taking the reigns and then the hardship of giving back some control?). How good is your partner about relinquishing?

Career - yours. Do you have one right now? If so, how much vacation/time/money will you have to travel to his region, and/or take off time when he is home?

Adult support. Social and otherwise. How much do you have? What can you outsource, what will you need? Assuming you will be the one to be home with kid whenever s/he is sick, how will you feel about that?
What about doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry- or can you outsource? How good are you at not talking to adults all day and night (if you stay at home) and/or not really having structured socialization outside work with other adults - what do you need to get that contact that you need? What will you do on weekends (you okay with always being with your kid at all times, or need a sitter?)

[Anonymous]

This happened to me years ago with my first marriage. My husband had to travel to Australia 75% of the year for 2 years. We had been together for 5 years before getting married, then we had a child 2 years into our marriage. Our child was 2 when he moved and I was working part time. It was tough, I won't lie. I had to do everything, solve every problem (our basement flooded for example) on my own. I loved my husband and we always had a great relationship and partnership, but I became more and more independent and took a full time job the second year he was gone. I began to like my independence more and more. I found a fantastic babysitter and started reconnecting with my old friends and took art classes. As I became more independent, I started to love it and it began detaching emotionally from my husband. I don't know why, I just didn't enjoy our Facetime conversations as much. It really drove a wedge. When he returned we tried to make it work, I tried to love him again like I had before, but I no longer wanted to discuss things and compromise as a married couple. I loved making my own decisions, I wanted out. So we divorced and I was a very happy single mom for 5 years. Then I met my current husband and we have a fantastic relationship (like my previous marriage). I don't know what would happen if he were to travel for 2 years, but that is something neither of us wants to do.

[Anonymous]

PP points out something else- by "region," doyou mean Latin America? Far east ASia? Makes a big difference, psychologically and logistically. Check out time differences when you can/can't talk. If you are at always at work when he can talk this has a big impact. same with if kid is in bed during his talk-able hours.

[Anonymous]

Its terrible to do this to your child if you absolutely don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you and DC move for a couple of years?

This. If you can’t move with him I would not do this.

[Anonymous]

You will end up divorced. Your poor kid. You guys sound greedy and selfish. He will cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will end up divorced. Your poor kid. You guys sound greedy and selfish. He will cheat.

Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you and DC move for a couple of years?

This. If you can’t move with him I would not do this.

Same

[Anonymous]

But DH is excited about this opportunity