If I ignore me my toddlers tantrums will they stop?

[Anonymous]

I don't ignore. My son is having big emotions--he needs someone to help him learn a healthy way to process and handle it. Ignoring doesn't do that.

I'll talk him through it--"You are angry because you can't have cookies before dinner. It's hard when we can't get what we want." And then I'll try to distract--often a change of scenery is best. We'll head outside, or I'll turn on music, or I'll do something super silly like bury myself in a blanket and pretend to be lost.

This is what works for my one child. I think you just have to experiment and figure out what works. Ignoring was a disaster in my house. My son would physically harm himself if we weren't helping him to calm down. I wasn't willing to let that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore. Keep in mind that once you start ignoring the tantrums the behavior will get worse while the kiddo tests your resolve. Maintain the resolve, and keep going.

Also, ignore actively. Which means, don't roll your eyes, don't sigh, don't look annoyed - it works better for me when I DO something. I read the paper or do dishes, or get the vacuum cleaner. Do something though, don't stand there watching them tantrum and call it ignoring.

+1 to all of this.

+2 DH and I used to hum "Just Walk Away Rene" and continued talking as if it weren't happening. The tantrum stage passed quickly with all my kids.

The experts all agree on one thing and one thing only - tantrums cannot work. You cannot give in.

+3 Yes, yes and yes.

[Anonymous]

There’s a difference between giving the child any attention at all and “giving in.” I agree you should basically never give in, that’s not a good precedent to set. But I see no difference in frequency and severity of tantrums between kids who have a parent empathize a bit and kids whose parents ignore their distress (because that’s what it is at this age, not manipulation). No, empathizing doesn’t “work” if by work you mean “immediately make them stop and never have a tantrum again”— but by that measure, neither does ignoring.

[Anonymous]

Ignore what you don't want to see and reward what you do want to see. The moment you see her engage in something else, praise that.

[Anonymous]

DD is two (26 months) and her nanny never gives into her tantrums. Nanny acknowledges what DD wants or is wrong and then walks away. Nanny is very consistent and stays surprisingly calm. DD follows her around the house tantruming but nanny just keeps going. She also has DD on a schedule (eg right after breakfast DD does her teeth and hair which lessens the tantrums about brushing teeth since it is automatic) so there are few surprises and always keeps her fed and rested.

DH and I, on the other hand, have no schedule on weekends and at night and give into her way more than we should - especially DH. The result is epic tantrums with me on weekends and at night.

I just can't do what the nanny does even though I keep trying. The result is that DD can be miserable and whiny with me and not the nanny. Fun times...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a difference between giving the child any attention at all and “giving in.” I agree you should basically never give in, that’s not a good precedent to set. But I see no difference in frequency and severity of tantrums between kids who have a parent empathize a bit and kids whose parents ignore their distress (because that’s what it is at this age, not manipulation). No, empathizing doesn’t “work” if by work you mean “immediately make them stop and never have a tantrum again”— but by that measure, neither does ignoring.

I agree with this, and I also make a distinction between a manipulative tantrum and a true meltdown. Sometimes little kids just can't control their emotions, and that is a truly scary experience for them. They can't calm themselves down, and they need you to be the calm and help bring them back to themselves. When my kid is having one of those kind of tantrums, I hold her, help her breathe deeply, talk her through calming down, etc. Then I treat it like a thunderstorm that's passed--whatever we were going to do before the tantrum, we do. If we were going to brush teeth, we brush teeth. If we were going to go to the park, we go to the park. Meaning, I don't give in, I don't let it change my behavior.

The manipulative tantrums are when the kid is still in control, and those I first empathize with and then ignore. "You are mad because I won't let you have another cookie. It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to scream and throw things." Then I ignore.

There is no strategy that will just make tantrums stop, though, because they are part of a child's emotional development--big feelings, limited communication skills.

[Anonymous]

Yes, ignore. The worst thing with my DD when around that age was when my mom came to visit. I would ignore her, or put her in her room, and then my mom would go sit at the door and plead with the TODDLER! I seriously hated my mom then.

[Anonymous]

Read some Janet Lansbury. It will not stop a tantrum in it's tracks, there's no magic solution for that. But she does a good job explaining tantrums and why they happen. And how it's NORMAL and often a healthy thing. Your child is not being bad or manipulative, your child is FEELING things they can't explain or even understand. So they just lose it. And they lost it on the people they feel the safest with, YOU.

She also has some good tricks for moving through situations to avoid a "heels dug in standoff". If this is done right, it's a beautiful way to parent. It takes an enormous amount of patience I've found, which I am not always top notch at. BUT I find when I can keep my calm almost endlessly (without giving in) tantrums do happen less and less. The keys are staying calm, validating feelings, while not giving in. She does talk about not ignoring your child. Mainly because these feelings are normal and healthy and in some ways should be encouraged. I have a hard time with that because often the best way for me to stay calm is to be a bit unengaged with the freakout over the fact that I undid the pajama snap instead of her.

Realizing that once a tantrum starts, logic, reasoning and even distraction will not work. They have to feel it, work through it, and the calm. Once the calming trend happens, a little distraction is good. I think of it more as changing the subject and having an ice breaker. I drop whatever the stand off was about for a minute and we do something else. Then if we have too, we come back to the issue. If we can move on from the issue without going back, that's works too.

[Anonymous]

I've replied earlier about soothing but not giving in. I also read "The Chocolate Covered Cookie Tantrum" to my kids and act it out with them. In a way, it's more for me because it reminds me that tantrums are a normal part of development.

[Anonymous]

Read/watch the Happiest Toddler on the Block

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,
I handled it by the ignore method, but I'd say, "you can throw a fit, but you need to do it in your room. "( I always left the door open. but would go about my work in the house) "When you're ready to settle down and come out and visit, let me know."
I looked around for some help on the internet, and only found this one. https://www.drgreene.com/temper-tantrums-worry/
(my friend took her child to a chiropractor and she seemed better after getting adjusted for some reason! Don't know this theory, but maybe?)
I wouldn't give "power" to her tantrums....they are not acceptable behavior...reward the good behavior at this point, but wean from that eventually because that should be normal without reward!
Praying for you all!

[Anonymous]

The Janet Lansbury (No Bad Kids) style approach works great for our family.

If DS is sad about something I give him a big hug (when he'll let me) and I will vocalize what is bothering him. (You are really disappointed that you can't have cookies right now.) I comfort him.

I never, ever give in.

And he doesn't throw a fit just to get a hug, so I am not worried about giving him too much attention.

Whatever you do, stop giving in. You're inadvertently teaching your child to tantrum.