Reply to “I don’t even know what happy feels like anymore”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The words out of my 14-year-olds daughters mouth as I drive her home from a friends house.

She’s been a fairly anxious and sensitive child since she was pretty young.  She has my wife’s Type A perfectionism and my anxiety and depressive tendencies.

The past 3 or 4 years have been rough.  Since she’s started puberty I’ve become her enemy.  We are so similar we butt heads.  Often I feel like my wife encourages this divide.  I’ll attempt to bond or connect with DD and my wife will shut it down.  She’ll dismiss me as not understanding, often “it’s a girl thing”.   My younger daughter is 12 and there doesn’t seem to be the same issues.  We get along great, she’s a much easier going kid.

My 14-year-old behaviors have really concerned me.  She has an eating disorder, although not one you’d consider traditional.  She has had stomach issues since she was 6 or 7 (result of anxiety) and it’s manifested into her being super controlling over food.  She also has a major phobia of getting sick.  So she mainly only eats French fries, sometimes she’ll eat toast or an apple as well.  I’ve been unsure how to handle this, I’ve been concerned from the beginning and my wife dismissed me and says, “she’s a picky eater”.  My daughter is about 5% for weight and 90% for height.  She’s severely anemic and has episodes of passing out my wife blames on menstruating although they often don’t coincide.  She’ll lie to the doctor about my daughters symptoms and diet.  I’ll push, that it’s become a big issue and I’m met with a lot of hostility from my wife and daughter.  My daughter also is such a perfectionist she can not handle not being “perfect” in school.  She’ll stay up 6 hours all night studying and be dead tired in the morning.  I think she needs the sleep, wife says she’s just an dedicated student.  If she does do poorly in anything she has a complete breakdown.  We’ve both pushed her academically and now I feel like it’s backfired.  She’s very smart and a great student but she dedicated so much time to school she puts self care and a social life as secondary.  My wife seems to be proud of these attributes.  I don’t understand.  I don’t know what do do.  I’m constantly dismissed when I see all these huge warning signs.  I see so much of myself in my daughter.  I struggled with horrible depression as a teen and young adult.  I want her to get the help I never did.

“I don’t even know what happiness feels like”
 
Was her response when I asked her what would make her happy.  I had to pick her up from a friends after she complained of a stomachache.  She’s has very frequent stomachaches.  She just looked lifeless as I drove her home, refusing to talk to me.  I just asked her if she was happy, how I could make her happy and that was her response.

I couldn’t help but cry.  She cried.  We cried.  She opened up a little more, but not a lot.  She’s struggling and I feel like I’m the only one concerned.

I need help.

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As someone who had an eating disorder and anxiety and depression as a teen, I agree that she needs therapy (even if just for a couple of months).  Best is someone who specializes in teens or at least has a lot of experience with them (I have a recommendation for someone in Friendship Heights if you want)

I would also suggest calling her pediatrician -- ask for a chat on the phone first, laying out your fears (and make sure to mention the passing out) and then see if you and your wife can go meet with the pediatrician.  Tell the pediatrician that you and your wife have some different views and need to discuss.

Afterwards, you may want to schedule an appointment with a nutritionist.

I also like PP suggestion to just spend a lot of time with her, even doing mundane stuff.

Good luck.  You sound like a concerned parent and on the right track.  These mid-teen years can be very very hard.

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