Difficult situation - am I doing the right thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is part of your family. It is okay to love a family member even when the family member is flawed because, honestly, we're all flawed.

Your children look to you to model the behavior of the type of person you want them to be. Do you really want the lesson they learn from you is that if you disapprove of a person's mental or physical illness then you cut them out of your life?

This is the problem with defining addiction as an illness. Idiots like you get to tell people not to have boundaries with assholes that lie, steal, and ruin other people's lives.

[Anonymous]

I had a brother with serious addiction issues and I have kids. My feeling is this. I loved my brother even though I hated that he was an addict. But I didnt abandon or avoid him because of it. And I never want my children to believe my love and support are conditional. So my kids knew their uncle. They knew that we all loved him. They also understand that it isn’t a life we wanted for him. So, given that your brother poses no safety risk to your kids, no I don’t think it is the right thing to send the message that you will only support those whose lifestyles you agree with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a brother with serious addiction issues and I have kids. My feeling is this. I loved my brother even though I hated that he was an addict. But I didnt abandon or avoid him because of it. And I never want my children to believe my love and support are conditional. So my kids knew their uncle. They knew that we all loved him. They also understand that it isn’t a life we wanted for him. So, given that your brother poses no safety risk to your kids, no I don’t think it is the right thing to send the message that you will only support those whose lifestyles you agree with.

To be clear, when my kids are old enough to be on social media, he will connect with them and offer them drugs or ask for money. There is zero doubt in my mind about this. We may have 5 years before this is a real concern, but it is one reason I don’t want them to have a relationship. I don’t think my kids will be able to say no if he asks for money to buy his own kids a present.

So while I have resentment and anger towards him, this is not pure vindictiveness

[Anonymous]

OP, are you concerned about your brother being high around your kids? If so, that would be a no go for me. My sister has a lot of mental health problems and is an alcoholic. The Thanksgiving she got incredibly drunk despite our best efforts not to have alcohol around her sealed the deal. It makes me sad that my kids had to see that, but we’ve had a lot of good talks about addiction and mental illness in an age appropriate way. Good luck- tough situation, I know.

[Anonymous]

So you don't want your kids to think positively of your brother at all? What are you afraid of happening? Explain he's nice but he's sick, as they get older the explanation can get more detailed. I don't see what the big issue is with spending a few hours with him and your parents once or twice a year over the holidays.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how your kids spending time with your brother in the company of other responsible adults is a problem.

[Anonymous]

I don't agree with many of the posters. It is your job (as the parent) to protect your children. If you don't want your young children to have any relationship with your brother, it is your decision. In a few years, when your kids can understand an addiction discussion, you may make a different decision.

Are you willing to see your brother? I would want to see him and how he interacts with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is part of your family. It is okay to love a family member even when the family member is flawed because, honestly, we're all flawed.

Your children look to you to model the behavior of the type of person you want them to be. Do you really want the lesson they learn from you is that if you disapprove of a person's mental or physical illness then you cut them out of your life?

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a brother with serious addiction issues and I have kids. My feeling is this. I loved my brother even though I hated that he was an addict. But I didnt abandon or avoid him because of it. And I never want my children to believe my love and support are conditional. So my kids knew their uncle. They knew that we all loved him. They also understand that it isn’t a life we wanted for him. So, given that your brother poses no safety risk to your kids, no I don’t think it is the right thing to send the message that you will only support those whose lifestyles you agree with.

To be clear, when my kids are old enough to be on social media, he will connect with them and offer them drugs or ask for money. There is zero doubt in my mind about this. We may have 5 years before this is a real concern, but it is one reason I don’t want them to have a relationship. I don’t think my kids will be able to say no if he asks for money to buy his own kids a present.

So while I have resentment and anger towards him, this is not pure vindictiveness

Other people will be offering them drugs and money too, do you think you'll be able to avoid them?
I understand your fears, but I do not think you are doing the right thing.
I knew froma young age that my uncle the fun one had a problem with drugs and alcohol. My parents didn't shun my uncle and hide him from me. As A result I knew that addiction could be a problem for anyone regardless of their personality or family background. I was a lot more aware of things than my friends who were just told to ay no an drug users are bad scary people anf because of that I think I was a lot less succeptible than some teenagers to the drug use and being taken in by all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is part of your family. It is okay to love a family member even when the family member is flawed because, honestly, we're all flawed.

Your children look to you to model the behavior of the type of person you want them to be. Do you really want the lesson they learn from you is that if you disapprove of a person's mental or physical illness then you cut them out of your life?

I agree.

Except OP doesn't want that. The message that OP wants to send is that she is the good child and her parents have chosen her over their bad child.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should spend the time with your brother and parents WITHOUT your kids. Just you without your husband if necessary. It is fine that you do not want your children exposed to your brother - but be smart about it. Don't announce it and add to the drama. Don't be in your parent's face about it, or your brother's - - just don't have it happen. To plan it this way may mean this goal (personal goal of yours) determines all other planning, but do it if you feel strongly. No one is owed time with your kids. Sounds like he tore up his Uncle card a long time ago. However, again - - No Dramatics - - you/this decision can not add to an already stressful situation for the innocent.

[Anonymous]

^ PP here again. Op, stop focusing on "is this right?" You have a clear preference. You are allowed a preference. Act on it.

[Anonymous]

I am the mom of a seriously mentally ill son. From the time my sons illness manifested itself, my other kids knew he was sick and his life would be different than theirs because of his illness. The difference between my son and your brother is that my son was born at a time when mental illness was recognized and treatment was available.

Despite treatment, I often have to watch my son go through terrible struggles and it is the hardest thing I’ve ever encountered. I would be horribly disappointed in my other kids if they reacted to their brother in the way you are acting to yours. If any of my other kids was so lacking in compassion and understanding that they asked of me what you are asking of your parents, I don’t think I would have any problem telling them not to come. It would be very difficult and I hope I’ve raised my kids to be more sensitive and caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a brother with serious addiction issues and I have kids. My feeling is this. I loved my brother even though I hated that he was an addict. But I didnt abandon or avoid him because of it. And I never want my children to believe my love and support are conditional. So my kids knew their uncle. They knew that we all loved him. They also understand that it isn’t a life we wanted for him. So, given that your brother poses no safety risk to your kids, no I don’t think it is the right thing to send the message that you will only support those whose lifestyles you agree with.

To be clear, when my kids are old enough to be on social media, he will connect with them and offer them drugs or ask for money. There is zero doubt in my mind about this. We may have 5 years before this is a real concern, but it is one reason I don’t want them to have a relationship. I don’t think my kids will be able to say no if he asks for money to buy his own kids a present.

So while I have resentment and anger towards him, this is not pure vindictiveness

Thanks op, this helps me understand your concern. If you feel like your children are in danger, you always chose the thing that keeps the kids safe. To me this would either be avoiding him or having them meet him, but not let them be alone with him and explain to your kids that he is a liar. Give them specific examples of when he lied. Explain that he hurt thier grandparents. It is ok to be honest. I woukd even let them know that addiction is the issue. I woukd say it in age appropriate words. But you need to teach them at a young age that they cannot trust him. If you really think he can charm them, keep them away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is part of your family. It is okay to love a family member even when the family member is flawed because, honestly, we're all flawed.

Your children look to you to model the behavior of the type of person you want them to be. Do you really want the lesson they learn from you is that if you disapprove of a person's mental or physical illness then you cut them out of your life?

This is the problem with defining addiction as an illness. Idiots like you get to tell people not to have boundaries with assholes that lie, steal, and ruin other people's lives.

No. That is not what I said at all. Addiction is an illness. You're right that sometimes people with the illness do things like lie or steal to support their addictions and then the people who love them do need to set boundaries to protect themselves and their belongings. But OP hasn't said anything in her post that indicates that her brother currently is lying to or stealing from her parents or that he has had a relapse. There are many stages of an illness like addiction. Only at the worst stages would it ever be necessary to bar an addict from the home. It certainly doesn't sound like OP's brother is at that stage.

OP also has a duty to her children. To keep them safe, yes. She also has a duty, though, is to teach them how to treat other people. I don't believe that the message OP wants to send (you have a mental illness or an addiction so I am cutting you out of my life) is a healthy one for her children.

Finally, we do have a family member who was an addict. He is deceased now. He died because of his addiction. We miss him greatly. And I still say that the message OP wants to model for her children is a bad one for her children.

Also, I hope that you notice that I am disagreeing with you but I am not calling you an "idiot". That's how grown-up, mature people act. You might try it some time but first you will have to grow up.