Spouse says he really doesn't want a gift

[Anonymous]

we dont do gifts. I might buy things that DH wants or needs, and for the last bday actually got him something he really wanted, but that was unusual, and we certainly dont do xmas gifts. We get a few for the kids and thats it--but we try to have a date night, or something like that.

[Anonymous]

I am like this. My needs are met (I am a simple person, no designer anytjing, our modest home with what I refer to as early americam basement furniture is comfortable and suits me fine). The kids and DH want me to have something to open, so I suggest to DH that he and the kids get me practical stuff: socks, lip balm, coupon from the kids to wash my minivan - I don't want a lot of $$ wasted on stuff I don't want or need!

[Anonymous]

Gifts always make my husband feel guilty so I take him at his word and just wrap super practical things (like running socks) that he needs. So he has something to open but it's not really "gifty." He does appreciate me showing up in some new lingerie that night though... but not something he opens in front of the kids.

[Anonymous]

I find it rather selfish when a person says that he/she doesn't want anything for xmas, birthday, whatever.

Because giving a gift shows that you care for a lot of people (5 love languages). And just letting your SO pick something out for you -- like a new baseball hat -- is a gift you are giving them. I've gone years without giving DH a gift, but I feel crappy about it. He doesn't appear to care.

I've asked him to let me get the stuff he needs, but he can't delay his needs, apparently. Or wants. I see he gets packages from Amazon or whatever on a regular basis, with his hobby stuff in it. Could he not have let me get that for him? or his children? Can he delay his pleasure of getting new XYZ until Christmas?

Yes, I'm making this about me, about the giver. But honestly, half of Christmas is about gift GIVING not receiving. Don't we tell this to kids all the time and make them get gifts for grandparents who need absolutely NOTHING? Yes, we do. And not allowing your SO the pleasure of giving a gift is simply mean. And not helping them pick something out is also mean.

[Anonymous]

I hate getting gifts. I feel like there is too much clutter in my house, and every new thing that comes in stresses me out as it is. Giving me a gift is a big negative.

[Anonymous]

How about purchasing something he would really enjoy, yet likely would not buy on his own accord?

Surf lessons?
A scuba diving session?
A couples massage therapy session?
A wine-tasting event?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it rather selfish when a person says that he/she doesn't want anything for xmas, birthday, whatever.

Because giving a gift shows that you care for a lot of people (5 love languages). And just letting your SO pick something out for you -- like a new baseball hat -- is a gift you are giving them. I've gone years without giving DH a gift, but I feel crappy about it. He doesn't appear to care.

I've asked him to let me get the stuff he needs, but he can't delay his needs, apparently. Or wants. I see he gets packages from Amazon or whatever on a regular basis, with his hobby stuff in it. Could he not have let me get that for him? or his children? Can he delay his pleasure of getting new XYZ until Christmas?

Yes, I'm making this about me, about the giver. But honestly, half of Christmas is about gift GIVING not receiving. Don't we tell this to kids all the time and make them get gifts for grandparents who need absolutely NOTHING? Yes, we do. And not allowing your SO the pleasure of giving a gift is simply mean. And not helping them pick something out is also mean.

I suspect your situation is unique and that most people who don't want gifts are not simultaneously ordering stuff from Amazon, etc. but rather are like many of the other people posting in this thread that say they have enough stuff and don't want more clutter or would otherwise prefer to spend the money on an experience rather than more stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it rather selfish when a person says that he/she doesn't want anything for xmas, birthday, whatever.

Because giving a gift shows that you care for a lot of people (5 love languages). And just letting your SO pick something out for you -- like a new baseball hat -- is a gift you are giving them. I've gone years without giving DH a gift, but I feel crappy about it. He doesn't appear to care.

I've asked him to let me get the stuff he needs, but he can't delay his needs, apparently. Or wants. I see he gets packages from Amazon or whatever on a regular basis, with his hobby stuff in it. Could he not have let me get that for him? or his children? Can he delay his pleasure of getting new XYZ until Christmas?

Yes, I'm making this about me, about the giver. But honestly, half of Christmas is about gift GIVING not receiving. Don't we tell this to kids all the time and make them get gifts for grandparents who need absolutely NOTHING? Yes, we do. And not allowing your SO the pleasure of giving a gift is simply mean. And not helping them pick something out is also mean.

Sorry, I don't do stuff. And I will take the gifts that you insist on giving me directly to the garbage or Goodwill, depending on my mood that day. Your need to consume does not impact me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give him an experience.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it rather selfish when a person says that he/she doesn't want anything for xmas, birthday, whatever.

Because giving a gift shows that you care for a lot of people (5 love languages). And just letting your SO pick something out for you -- like a new baseball hat -- is a gift you are giving them. I've gone years without giving DH a gift, but I feel crappy about it. He doesn't appear to care.

I've asked him to let me get the stuff he needs, but he can't delay his needs, apparently. Or wants. I see he gets packages from Amazon or whatever on a regular basis, with his hobby stuff in it. Could he not have let me get that for him? or his children? Can he delay his pleasure of getting new XYZ until Christmas?

Yes, I'm making this about me, about the giver. But honestly, half of Christmas is about gift GIVING not receiving. Don't we tell this to kids all the time and make them get gifts for grandparents who need absolutely NOTHING? Yes, we do. And not allowing your SO the pleasure of giving a gift is simply mean. And not helping them pick something out is also mean.

Sorry, I don't do stuff. And I will take the gifts that you insist on giving me directly to the garbage or Goodwill, depending on my mood that day. Your need to consume does not impact me.

I actually don't need to consume. I buy much less stuff than my DH. I like experiences instead of gifts. DH does not always get gifts. I don't buy junk just to buy junk (I tried, but it didnt' work for either of us). But when he is buying his own stuff and won't wait to let me give it to him? Not ok.

[Anonymous]

Donations!!! I don't want more crap, and when I do want something I buy it for myself. But I feel like I can never give enough to charities I care about, so it really is a gift when someone makes a donation to a cause I care about. I know they were thinking about me, and... I don't have to deal with stuff I may not want. What does your husband care about that you can help support?

[Anonymous]

I'm at the point that if it isn't a consumable or something that I already own that recently broke or wore out, I don't want it either. I like a nice bottle of booze or something like that, but otherwise, don't waste your money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it rather selfish when a person says that he/she doesn't want anything for xmas, birthday, whatever.

Because giving a gift shows that you care for a lot of people (5 love languages). And just letting your SO pick something out for you -- like a new baseball hat -- is a gift you are giving them. I've gone years without giving DH a gift, but I feel crappy about it. He doesn't appear to care.

I've asked him to let me get the stuff he needs, but he can't delay his needs, apparently. Or wants. I see he gets packages from Amazon or whatever on a regular basis, with his hobby stuff in it. Could he not have let me get that for him? or his children? Can he delay his pleasure of getting new XYZ until Christmas?

Yes, I'm making this about me, about the giver. But honestly, half of Christmas is about gift GIVING not receiving. Don't we tell this to kids all the time and make them get gifts for grandparents who need absolutely NOTHING? Yes, we do. And not allowing your SO the pleasure of giving a gift is simply mean. And not helping them pick something out is also mean.

Sorry, I don't do stuff. And I will take the gifts that you insist on giving me directly to the garbage or Goodwill, depending on my mood that day. Your need to consume does not impact me.

I actually don't need to consume. I buy much less stuff than my DH. I like experiences instead of gifts. DH does not always get gifts. I don't buy junk just to buy junk (I tried, but it didnt' work for either of us). But when he is buying his own stuff and won't wait to let me give it to him? Not ok.

Seriously? You sound controlling. You don't have to like it, and you can ask him to change. But if he prefers to buy the things he wants rather than wait for you to give those things to him, it is his call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it rather selfish when a person says that he/she doesn't want anything for xmas, birthday, whatever.

Because giving a gift shows that you care for a lot of people (5 love languages). And just letting your SO pick something out for you -- like a new baseball hat -- is a gift you are giving them. I've gone years without giving DH a gift, but I feel crappy about it. He doesn't appear to care.

I've asked him to let me get the stuff he needs, but he can't delay his needs, apparently. Or wants. I see he gets packages from Amazon or whatever on a regular basis, with his hobby stuff in it. Could he not have let me get that for him? or his children? Can he delay his pleasure of getting new XYZ until Christmas?

Yes, I'm making this about me, about the giver. But honestly, half of Christmas is about gift GIVING not receiving. Don't we tell this to kids all the time and make them get gifts for grandparents who need absolutely NOTHING? Yes, we do. And not allowing your SO the pleasure of giving a gift is simply mean. And not helping them pick something out is also mean.

As you say, there's 5 love languages. Gifts are yours. Mine is words of affirmation. I am not lying when I say a sincere "you do so much for this family and I am so glad I am married to you" would mean more to me than any single thing wrapped thing you could put under a tree. Maybe it's selfish of you to make someone accept your material item they don't want rather than try to actually love them how they want to be shown?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm at the point that if it isn't a consumable or something that I already own that recently broke or wore out, I don't want it either. I like a nice bottle of booze or something like that, but otherwise, don't waste your money.

If he would suggest a nice bottle of something, or a box of cookies, or a hug coupon, I'd gladly do that.