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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I want to add a huge, huge "Good for you--stick to your guns" regarding your insistence that he be tested and your insistence that you not have intercourse until he IS tested. I believe many or most women, especially younger women, would cave on this when a boyfriend started pleading "I love you." You're smart to stick to your principles on testing; now take those same smarts and use them to dump him immediately. [/quote]

Thanks, that's something I will not compromise on. He seems more well-traveled than I am, if you know what I mean.

[quote=Anonymous]Especially troubling is how your BF took things you said and twisted them around to try to make it appear that YOU were being somehow abusive towards HIM. If  you used the language you quoted in your original post, you were doing things right -- "I feel uncomfortable" etc. is fine. Yet he somehow made it all about how you were crossing some boundary HE had set (and never told you about before?) to protect himself. That is a very worrying behavior; it's subtle and manipulative, and aimed at making you feel that you were in the wrong and he's some kind of victim just for being his wonderful self who knows better than you do about your own work.....and so on. His later acknowledgement that he was rude sounds hollow and was too little, too late.[/quote]

This really hit the nail on the head for me. Is this what gas-lighting is? I'd heard the term, but not sure exactly what it means. He tried to make it sound like his personal attack was my fault for not being loving enough. Whoa, typing that out sounds like a huge red flag, doesn't it?

[quote=Anonymous]One last thought: Is it possible that if you break up he would try showing up where you are and pleading OR showing up and getting angry? Do you think that's a possibility? His work schedule sounds like that couldn't happen, but if he seems possessive at all or has a temper that makes you think he might just turn up either to win you over or argue with you -- be prepared for that possibility. And don't cave if he comes to you crying that he has baggage from his past or whatever. You're smart and strong. Stick with that.[/quote]

He does have a bad temper. I wouldn't be afraid he would show up, more that he would turn vicious in his words to me. I guess this is why you block people, but I've never done that before. Part of me just wants to end it by saying that he's right, this is my problem that I can't handle a long distance relationship and that I'm sorry, but I can't give him what he needs. Would that be a good approach? I'll take the blame if I need to. It's becoming obvious to me that I need to get out of this relationship.[/quote]

No, no, no! If he doesn’t get tested, you don’t do anything! You can get STD’s in the throat. And any guy who won’t get tested and fore goes piv sex...there is a problem. He either is afraid he has a disease and just wants to be in denial (scary) or he’s lazy (what kind of things will he not do because he doesn’t feel like it? Think about the implications for a life together.) Or he doesn’t like PIV sex. (Imagine a life without intercourse)  Or he doesn’t care if he doesn’t have sex with you because he’s getting it somewhere else.

And yes, he was gaslighting you. He took your legitimate feelings and turned them around on you. He didn’t care about how felt. Only about how what you felt made him feel. So he twisted it to make you feel bad about having feelings. And made you feel crazy. Totally classic gaslighting. [/quote]

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