Do men like inlaws more than women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because DHs are less PITA and easier going than DWs.

This is not true. I think women stay closer to their parents and are better at managing relationships. Sons mangle their relationships and the wives suffer.

This. The women are expected, even, to be the ones who do the work to maintain relationships. One of my biggest complaints about my MIL is that she will put me in the middle of communications between her and my husband, and basically put me in the position of being her proxy nagger. Just for instance, at one point she was super fixated on having a formal picture taken with her and each of her sons. She had called DH about it and he said yeah sure, but wasn't taking immediate action to schedule it. So then she started calling him repeatedly, and he (knowing what it was about & not feeling like dealing with it yet, presumably) just didn't answer or get back to her immediately. For the record, I'm not necessarily defending his actions here; just saying what happened. Although she was totally fixating / obsessing and arguably this issue wasn't really very urgent, and this all happened over the course of 2-3 days. Anyways: once she didn't hear back from him promptly, she started texting / calling me. Now I have to either choose to be rude and not respond, OR I become his proxy nagger on her behalf - she tells me she's been trying to get ahold of him and needs him to schedule it, I say I know he's been busy but I'll pass along the message, then when it hasn't been scheduled 2 days later I'M suddenly the one who gets called / blamed. I'm getting stuck in the middle because he has the luxury of taking more of a "she's being ridiculous, I'm busy this week and I'll get to it when I can, she can calm down and wait" approach while I cannot without causing even further drama. That's just a (hopefully illustrative) example, obviously. Similar situation with "tell him to call me more!" etc.

With my own parents, we're obviously closer / have a different dynamic, so IF they were hassling me about something I could pipe right up and call them out and it would be totally fine, no effect on the relationship. And never would my parents expect my husband to pick up the slack in the relationship between them and us, whereas that's what women are very often expected to do in the opposite scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or... inlaws prefer men more than women. The way I've seen and experienced the phenomenon has been 'this wonderful man is willing to put up with my daughter?' and then - 'this meh woman is who my son settled for?' so of course the man gets along better with his in-laws than the woman. They think he walks on water for existing, and think she's taking up oxygen (even if she's wonderful). I think it's a lot of ingrained deep-seated sexism even with people who know better rationally.

Haha...what? I...don't even know what to say about this response. But hope you don't feel that way about your daughters! Most of my friends (and I) have daughters and I can tell you this is way off base, obviously

I will say that I agree with you that mothers of sons, generally those who only have sons, CAN tend to have a "my son is the prince" attitude which does not bode well for relationships with their daughter in laws (and their sons, once they grow up). But there are plenty of counter examples to this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because DHs are less PITA and easier going than DWs.

This is not true. I think women stay closer to their parents and are better at managing relationships. Sons mangle their relationships and the wives suffer.

“Managing relationships”?

I think you mean the need to control relationships.

NP but not at all. We mean being the ones to coordinate, stay in touch, communicate, organize events, etc. Often the guys just...do not really care / can't be bothered, and the emotional and logistical work generally falls on the women. Are you a man??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because DHs are less PITA and easier going than DWs.

This is not true. I think women stay closer to their parents and are better at managing relationships. Sons mangle their relationships and the wives suffer.

“Managing relationships”?

I think you mean the need to control relationships.

NP but not at all. We mean being the ones to coordinate, stay in touch, communicate, organize events, etc. Often the guys just...do not really care / can't be bothered, and the emotional and logistical work generally falls on the women. Are you a man??

If a guy doesn’t care enough to do this with his own family, then why, absent a compelling need to control the situation, do you? To toss this into the pile of work getting dumped on you, it isn’t. You’re picking it up all on your own. And there’s a reason for that. So take a good long look at yourself because that’s where the problem lies.

If your husband does dump this on you, tell him to FO and grow up. Interacting with his family isn’t your job. And if you make it your job, do so voluntarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because DHs are less PITA and easier going than DWs.

This is not true. I think women stay closer to their parents and are better at managing relationships. Sons mangle their relationships and the wives suffer.

“Managing relationships”?

I think you mean the need to control relationships.

NP but not at all. We mean being the ones to coordinate, stay in touch, communicate, organize events, etc. Often the guys just...do not really care / can't be bothered, and the emotional and logistical work generally falls on the women. Are you a man??

If a guy doesn’t care enough to do this with his own family, then why, absent a compelling need to control the situation, do you? To toss this into the pile of work getting dumped on you, it isn’t. You’re picking it up all on your own. And there’s a reason for that. So take a good long look at yourself because that’s where the problem lies.

If your husband does dump this on you, tell him to FO and grow up. Interacting with his family isn’t your job. And if you make it your job, do so voluntarily.

And lots of us have refused to have this dumped on us. Then the inlaws get angry. It's a vicious cycle that starts with a son who doesn't want to talk with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because DHs are less PITA and easier going than DWs.

This is not true. I think women stay closer to their parents and are better at managing relationships. Sons mangle their relationships and the wives suffer.

“Managing relationships”?

I think you mean the need to control relationships.

NP but not at all. We mean being the ones to coordinate, stay in touch, communicate, organize events, etc. Often the guys just...do not really care / can't be bothered, and the emotional and logistical work generally falls on the women. Are you a man??

If a guy doesn’t care enough to do this with his own family, then why, absent a compelling need to control the situation, do you? To toss this into the pile of work getting dumped on you, it isn’t. You’re picking it up all on your own. And there’s a reason for that. So take a good long look at yourself because that’s where the problem lies.

If your husband does dump this on you, tell him to FO and grow up. Interacting with his family isn’t your job. And if you make it your job, do so voluntarily.

And lots of us have refused to have this dumped on us. Then the inlaws get angry. It's a vicious cycle that starts with a son who doesn't want to talk with his parents.

Then you aren’t “managing” your principal relationship very well, are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because DHs are less PITA and easier going than DWs.

This is not true. I think women stay closer to their parents and are better at managing relationships. Sons mangle their relationships and the wives suffer.

“Managing relationships”?

I think you mean the need to control relationships.

NP but not at all. We mean being the ones to coordinate, stay in touch, communicate, organize events, etc. Often the guys just...do not really care / can't be bothered, and the emotional and logistical work generally falls on the women. Are you a man??

If a guy doesn’t care enough to do this with his own family, then why, absent a compelling need to control the situation, do you? To toss this into the pile of work getting dumped on you, it isn’t. You’re picking it up all on your own. And there’s a reason for that. So take a good long look at yourself because that’s where the problem lies.

If your husband does dump this on you, tell him to FO and grow up. Interacting with his family isn’t your job. And if you make it your job, do so voluntarily.

And lots of us have refused to have this dumped on us. Then the inlaws get angry. It's a vicious cycle that starts with a son who doesn't want to talk with his parents.

Then you aren’t “managing” your principal relationship very well, are you?

NP. You said that the women are volunteering for the work and in doing so creating their own problems, then she explained that the husband is creating the problem on his end by the way he interacts with his parents, then you said that that is her fault because she should be controlling her husband's relationship with his own parents to begin with ... all in the context of complaining that women are creating problems by being unnecessarily controlling. You are bad a logic but very good at misogyny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and have a fantastic relationship with my in laws (go visit them by myself, etc.). Reverse is true for my husband.

I would say our families, while different, have similar core values and both my husband and I are low maintenance and don't get slighted easily. Those factors are likely strong contributors to the success of the inlaw relationship. Both sets of parents are reasonablely low maintenance as well.

So does your DH bring up issues you have with your inlaws? If they're upset about the number of days you're staying for Christmas, does he sit them down and tell them why or does he just ignore it until they make rude comments to the DIL?

That's the point about being low maintenance.

My in laws are just happy to see us when we come, as are my parents. No one makes rude, passive aggressive comments to each other. I usually call MIL before a holiday, tell her our itinerary and why and it's not a thing afterwards.

My FIL made a joke once I found offended. I asked him not to do that again and he respected my wishes and I didn't go looking for other reasons to correct him. It's all very low drama, but again, that's probably due to the personalities and values of people involved.

All of your examples are things that I think your DH should have stepped in. He should tell them the itinerary and he should tell his dad you didn't like the joke.

I'd be pissed if my DH "stepped in" in these situations. I'm quite capable of taking care of myself, thank you. I understand that when things get messy it may help to have the spouse deal with his or her particular parents, but it would feel infantilizing to me in the kind of situation PP describes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because DHs are less PITA and easier going than DWs.

This is not true. I think women stay closer to their parents and are better at managing relationships. Sons mangle their relationships and the wives suffer.

“Managing relationships”?

I think you mean the need to control relationships.

NP but not at all. We mean being the ones to coordinate, stay in touch, communicate, organize events, etc. Often the guys just...do not really care / can't be bothered, and the emotional and logistical work generally falls on the women. Are you a man??

If a guy doesn’t care enough to do this with his own family, then why, absent a compelling need to control the situation, do you? To toss this into the pile of work getting dumped on you, it isn’t. You’re picking it up all on your own. And there’s a reason for that. So take a good long look at yourself because that’s where the problem lies.

If your husband does dump this on you, tell him to FO and grow up. Interacting with his family isn’t your job. And if you make it your job, do so voluntarily.

And lots of us have refused to have this dumped on us. Then the inlaws get angry. It's a vicious cycle that starts with a son who doesn't want to talk with his parents.

Then you aren’t “managing” your principal relationship very well, are you?

DH and I have a fantastic relationship. He just doesn't like to call, text or visit his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and have a fantastic relationship with my in laws (go visit them by myself, etc.). Reverse is true for my husband.

I would say our families, while different, have similar core values and both my husband and I are low maintenance and don't get slighted easily. Those factors are likely strong contributors to the success of the inlaw relationship. Both sets of parents are reasonablely low maintenance as well.

So does your DH bring up issues you have with your inlaws? If they're upset about the number of days you're staying for Christmas, does he sit them down and tell them why or does he just ignore it until they make rude comments to the DIL?

That's the point about being low maintenance.

My in laws are just happy to see us when we come, as are my parents. No one makes rude, passive aggressive comments to each other. I usually call MIL before a holiday, tell her our itinerary and why and it's not a thing afterwards.

My FIL made a joke once I found offended. I asked him not to do that again and he respected my wishes and I didn't go looking for other reasons to correct him. It's all very low drama, but again, that's probably due to the personalities and values of people involved.

All of your examples are things that I think your DH should have stepped in. He should tell them the itinerary and he should tell his dad you didn't like the joke.

I'd be pissed if my DH "stepped in" in these situations. I'm quite capable of taking care of myself, thank you. I understand that when things get messy it may help to have the spouse deal with his or her particular parents, but it would feel infantilizing to me in the kind of situation PP describes.

Your dh doesn't know the itinerary to visit his own family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a woman and have a fantastic relationship with my in laws (go visit them by myself, etc.). Reverse is true for my husband.

I would say our families, while different, have similar core values and both my husband and I are low maintenance and don't get slighted easily. Those factors are likely strong contributors to the success of the inlaw relationship. Both sets of parents are reasonablely low maintenance as well.

So does your DH bring up issues you have with your inlaws? If they're upset about the number of days you're staying for Christmas, does he sit them down and tell them why or does he just ignore it until they make rude comments to the DIL?

That's the point about being low maintenance.

My in laws are just happy to see us when we come, as are my parents. No one makes rude, passive aggressive comments to each other. I usually call MIL before a holiday, tell her our itinerary and why and it's not a thing afterwards.

My FIL made a joke once I found offended. I asked him not to do that again and he respected my wishes and I didn't go looking for other reasons to correct him. It's all very low drama, but again, that's probably due to the personalities and values of people involved.

All of your examples are things that I think your DH should have stepped in. He should tell them the itinerary and he should tell his dad you didn't like the joke.

That's cool.

I like my MIL, so when I call her to chat around the holidays and I know our holiday plans - I discuss it with her. I think it feels natural but if my husband spoke with her first, then he would communicate it. It varies from year to year.

I told my FIL in the moment for that example. I think it would have made it a bigger thing if I waited, complained to my husband and him address.

But you don't have to do it that way if you prefer to manage your parents separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because DHs are less PITA and easier going than DWs.

This is not true. I think women stay closer to their parents and are better at managing relationships. Sons mangle their relationships and the wives suffer.

“Managing relationships”?

I think you mean the need to control relationships.

NP but not at all. We mean being the ones to coordinate, stay in touch, communicate, organize events, etc. Often the guys just...do not really care / can't be bothered, and the emotional and logistical work generally falls on the women. Are you a man??

If a guy doesn’t care enough to do this with his own family, then why, absent a compelling need to control the situation, do you? To toss this into the pile of work getting dumped on you, it isn’t. You’re picking it up all on your own. And there’s a reason for that. So take a good long look at yourself because that’s where the problem lies.

If your husband does dump this on you, tell him to FO and grow up. Interacting with his family isn’t your job. And if you make it your job, do so voluntarily.

Uh, well, because it's one thing for their own son to blow them off, and a different thing for his wife to be openly rude (by that I mean ignoring/rebuffing their attempts to reach out to them). As wives our hands are forced; we have to either choose to follow DH's lead and be cold, rude, unresponsive...thus driving a a permanent wedge of hurt into the relationship, or to be the (reluctant) peacekeepers. Add grandkids in and it gets even more complicated. I agree it should not be my job; I can also tell you that for many women, it default becomes so because the husband just doesn't care enough, and there is much stronger social expectation on women

This is not a hard concept. How are you not understanding this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because DHs are less PITA and easier going than DWs.

This is not true. I think women stay closer to their parents and are better at managing relationships. Sons mangle their relationships and the wives suffer.

“Managing relationships”?

I think you mean the need to control relationships.

NP but not at all. We mean being the ones to coordinate, stay in touch, communicate, organize events, etc. Often the guys just...do not really care / can't be bothered, and the emotional and logistical work generally falls on the women. Are you a man??

If a guy doesn’t care enough to do this with his own family, then why, absent a compelling need to control the situation, do you? To toss this into the pile of work getting dumped on you, it isn’t. You’re picking it up all on your own. And there’s a reason for that. So take a good long look at yourself because that’s where the problem lies.

If your husband does dump this on you, tell him to FO and grow up. Interacting with his family isn’t your job. And if you make it your job, do so voluntarily.

And lots of us have refused to have this dumped on us. Then the inlaws get angry. It's a vicious cycle that starts with a son who doesn't want to talk with his parents.

Then you aren’t “managing” your principal relationship very well, are you?

DH and I have a fantastic relationship. He just doesn't like to call, text or visit his parents.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because DHs are less PITA and easier going than DWs.

This is not true. I think women stay closer to their parents and are better at managing relationships. Sons mangle their relationships and the wives suffer.

“Managing relationships”?

I think you mean the need to control relationships.

NP but not at all. We mean being the ones to coordinate, stay in touch, communicate, organize events, etc. Often the guys just...do not really care / can't be bothered, and the emotional and logistical work generally falls on the women. Are you a man??

If a guy doesn’t care enough to do this with his own family, then why, absent a compelling need to control the situation, do you? To toss this into the pile of work getting dumped on you, it isn’t. You’re picking it up all on your own. And there’s a reason for that. So take a good long look at yourself because that’s where the problem lies.

If your husband does dump this on you, tell him to FO and grow up. Interacting with his family isn’t your job. And if you make it your job, do so voluntarily.

And lots of us have refused to have this dumped on us. Then the inlaws get angry. It's a vicious cycle that starts with a son who doesn't want to talk with his parents.

Then you aren’t “managing” your principal relationship very well, are you?

NP. You said that the women are volunteering for the work and in doing so creating their own problems, then she explained that the husband is creating the problem on his end by the way he interacts with his parents, then you said that that is her fault because she should be controlling her husband's relationship with his own parents to begin with ... all in the context of complaining that women are creating problems by being unnecessarily controlling. You are bad a logic but very good at misogyny.

Haha yup. Good summary there

[Anonymous]

Nope; it's just that much less is expected of men. Whereas often an unfair amount is expected of women (in terms of effort, accommodation, etc).