What is divorce like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would a divorce be like - would I really be happier? Would it ruin our kids? Will we be broke? Will everything be lonely? Will I just find a new partner and continue having the same stupid arguments, just with a different person?

I like to believe our marriage is worth saving, because we do love eachother and are attracted to one another. We just forgot, or never learned, how to be teammates and not adversaries.

1. "would I really be happier?"

After seven years I can see that certain aspects of my life are happier but a huge portion of my life is not happier. Although my ex wife filed for the divorce and therefore I had no real choice in the matter I have huge regret over how the divorce has negatively impacted the children.

2. "Would it ruin our kids?"

Yes. Those that say "kids are resilient" and "they thrive after divorce" are at best seeing life through filters. In my case, the ex wife has been forcing the kids to choose sides and has put the kids under a lot of pressure. The kids have not handled that well. My oldest is embarrassed and ashamed to be from a divorced family. He has cut ties with certain groups because their families are not divorced and he says those kids do/say things that hurt his feelings. My daughter has developed emotional and self esteem issues and self harm issues have developed.

I know people will want to blame me and say I'm not giving a true picture but I am not lying. Divorce is very hard on kids. Most of the time the parents do not behave well and that causes problems for the kids. Even if one parent tries hard the other parent often uses the kids against the other. Most of the time the mother uses the kids against the father.

3. "will everything be lonely?"

Your asking that makes me think you are a female. Being "lonely" wasn't a concern for me during the divorce. I was concerned about (1) how the kids were feeling (2) if my ex-wife and kids would have enough money (3) If I would get enough time with the kids (3) How I was going to be part of their life and what would happen to my relationship with my kids.

I was YEARS before I even started thinking about finding someone.

Was I lonely? YES. I was sad and depressed for a very long time. I was lonely for my kids.

4. will you just move on and have the same arguments?

Odd are that you will. Most people don't know how to learn and grow purposefully. If you are like my ex-wife you will not even move on. You will continue to find reasons and ways to have the same old arguments with your ex-husband and even if he refuses to engage and only communicates in writing in order to prevent fights you will leave nasty voice messages calling him names and rehashing the past. You will annoy all your friends with old "I hate my ex" stores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would a divorce be like - would I really be happier? Would it ruin our kids? Will we be broke? Will everything be lonely? Will I just find a new partner and continue having the same stupid arguments, just with a different person?

I like to believe our marriage is worth saving, because we do love eachother and are attracted to one another. We just forgot, or never learned, how to be teammates and not adversaries.

1. "would I really be happier?"

After seven years I can see that certain aspects of my life are happier but a huge portion of my life is not happier. Although my ex wife filed for the divorce and therefore I had no real choice in the matter I have huge regret over how the divorce has negatively impacted the children.

2. "Would it ruin our kids?"

Yes. Those that say "kids are resilient" and "they thrive after divorce" are at best seeing life through filters. In my case, the ex wife has been forcing the kids to choose sides and has put the kids under a lot of pressure. The kids have not handled that well. My oldest is embarrassed and ashamed to be from a divorced family. He has cut ties with certain groups because their families are not divorced and he says those kids do/say things that hurt his feelings. My daughter has developed emotional and self esteem issues and self harm issues have developed.

I know people will want to blame me and say I'm not giving a true picture but I am not lying. Divorce is very hard on kids. Most of the time the parents do not behave well and that causes problems for the kids. Even if one parent tries hard the other parent often uses the kids against the other. Most of the time the mother uses the kids against the father.

3. "will everything be lonely?"

Your asking that makes me think you are a female. Being "lonely" wasn't a concern for me during the divorce. I was concerned about (1) how the kids were feeling (2) if my ex-wife and kids would have enough money (3) If I would get enough time with the kids (3) How I was going to be part of their life and what would happen to my relationship with my kids.

I was YEARS before I even started thinking about finding someone.

Was I lonely? YES. I was sad and depressed for a very long time. I was lonely for my kids.

4. will you just move on and have the same arguments?

Odd are that you will. Most people don't know how to learn and grow purposefully. If you are like my ex-wife you will not even move on. You will continue to find reasons and ways to have the same old arguments with your ex-husband and even if he refuses to engage and only communicates in writing in order to prevent fights you will leave nasty voice messages calling him names and rehashing the past. You will annoy all your friends with old "I hate my ex" stores.

Dude, you really need to deal with your feelings about your ex and your failed marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally depends. I was in what I thought was a happy marriage, and when I found out my husband was cheating I seriously could not have been more shocked. Married 15+ years, almost never fight. Our kids are elementary age, so sex wasn't what it was (maybe 1-2 times a week at most).

We've been separated for a year and should be signing the divorce papers any day now. It was terrifying for me... I spent most of my adult life as a "we" so doing it on my own was scary. But.... I learned i could, and I could do so easily.

I was worried about our kids, we did have to get them in to counseling, but they are adjusting well. It's not ideal, but my ex and I don't badmouth each other and they don't know about his affair (yet... if he ever introduces her to them, I will probably tell them who she is, eventually, when they ar old enough to process it).

Money is tighter. Holidays are complicated and lonely.

Dating was terrifying but oh so much fun!

I didn't realize how much of my personality I had more or less suppressed to be a "we" and I've really, really enjoyed unleashing a totally pure and unrestrained version of ME.

Would I do it again?? I don't know. I know that our marriage was over, and I could never get past his infedelity and lies. But I don't love this for our kids. I'd have stuck it out until the kids were a bit older... we weren't fighting, we weren't mean to each other, we were quite loving and healthy, honestly.

But I like where I am. I like who I am. I like this version of me better.

Guy : Same - as much as I wanted the family to stay together I now know that it would not have lasted post cheating. But it does suck for the kids.

[Anonymous]

1. Would you be happier? For me the answer is somewhat. I have more peace and I'm no longer walking around in turmoil worried if and when I will discover I am being cheated on again. It does get lonely at times, and its odd having to do things as a singleton that I used to do as a couple. I miss the companionship, but I will take my time and be highly selective when I chose my next mate.

2. Would it ruin the kids? My youngest was 13 when I left and I think his experience has been the worst. I feel like my family is divided now, which it is, yet I do not regret leaving. Honestly, I can't speak on if they are "ruined" or not since the situation is still relatively new. Ask me in 5-10 years.

3. Will I be broke? My finances are oddly much better now that it's just me handling my money. I found it much more difficult managing a two income household as opposed to one. I made substantially more and I received a significant promotion one year after I left. My ex husband struggles with finances. I believe he is late on all of his bills.

4. Same arguments? I don't speak to my ex, so no.

In all honesty my marriage was likely salvageable, but at what cost. I would not trade my current peace of mind for anything. If you have to stay in marriage counseling and continuously fight so hard for something to work, at some point you have to realize that a relationship on life support really is not a viable one. Pull the plug and let it die.

[Anonymous]

Like your closest relative died. But no one feels bad for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like your closest relative died. But no one feels bad for you.

You know, you are so right. I literally mourned for two years the life that could have been, for me, for my kid. And no one was really understanding because they assume you screwed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like your closest relative died. But no one feels bad for you.

You know, you are so right. I literally mourned for two years the life that could have been, for me, for my kid. And no one was really understanding because they assume you screwed up.

Disenfranchised grief

[Anonymous]

I'm happier, broke, and it's hard for the kids but now they're not exposed to substance abuse, domestic abuse, and cheating.

[Anonymous]

Wife cheated on me. I “tried” to work it out but couldn’t. I didn’t really try I knew I was never going to forgive her so not sure why I kep up the charade for so long. I think it was shock as I was kind of suspecting something was going on but found proof.

Now? Little lonely sometimes. Do a lot more for me when I don’t have our daughter. I never turn down a date or an outing if I’m free. I go out every time instead of sitting st home. Have a better body, more I shape - not that I didn’t work out before I now have more time. Money is tighter, but I don’t have debt as she ran up all the credit cards, I made sure I took my name off of that best I could. Child support is mi imap since I have a 60/40 split.

Kind of finding out what women I really like now - and it wasn’t my ex-wife. I still have trust issues, can’t deal with liars make ir female. Her family still talks to me occasionally as her si Kong’s are rather upset with her behavior but I don’t have much to do with them.

Hard part is all my friends are married so I’d love to hang out more but they’re busy all the time so I spend the time bettering myself as best I can and keep myself occupied. Boredom leads to loneliness so I try to stay busy.

[Anonymous]

It depends.

Tough questions to answer unless I know more about you/your family.

For me, it was a relief. I am much much happier. The process sucks donkey balls. But on the other side, it's much better.

My kids were young. They are doing fine now. Normal kids. My ex is still the same ass, but I don't have to live with him anymore.

[Anonymous]

The divorce process is horrible. Every step of the way can be contentious if one of you wants it to be, and XDH wanted it to be, going after after my assets and inheritance, telling our mutual friends flat-out lies about me to justify his skedaddling, and more. Even if you’re both well-behaved, divorce lawyers cost tens of thousands that you could be saving for college or retirement, unless you have a simple case and can do mediation.

But yes, in the end, I’m happier. I was trying to hold it together for the kids, but he left to date new women, buy new cars (yes, plural), and so on. The reality is that it’s a huge weight off my shoulders. I don’t have to walk on eggshells (he was very defensive about his ADHD), deal with his disastrous financial choices, or deal with his mood swings. One kid was in college and the other, a senior in high school, was given a choice and chose to live with me full-time—we had a great year together doing college applications, visits, as he became an independent adult.

I like being single and in charge of my own life and finances.

I’m using my newly free time (divorced and empty nest within a few years) to take classes, start new hobbies, take up drawing, and so many things that make me happy. I will probably start online dating on another year or two, but I’m in no rush.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

1. Would you be happier? For me the answer is somewhat. I have more peace and I'm no longer walking around in turmoil worried if and when I will discover I am being cheated on again. It does get lonely at times, and its odd having to do things as a singleton that I used to do as a couple. I miss the companionship, but I will take my time and be highly selective when I chose my next mate.

2. Would it ruin the kids? My youngest was 13 when I left and I think his experience has been the worst. I feel like my family is divided now, which it is, yet I do not regret leaving. Honestly, I can't speak on if they are "ruined" or not since the situation is still relatively new. Ask me in 5-10 years.

3. Will I be broke? My finances are oddly much better now that it's just me handling my money. I found it much more difficult managing a two income household as opposed to one. I made substantially more and I received a significant promotion one year after I left. My ex husband struggles with finances. I believe he is late on all of his bills.

4. Same arguments? I don't speak to my ex, so no.

In all honesty my marriage was likely salvageable, but at what cost. I would not trade my current peace of mind for anything. If you have to stay in marriage counseling and continuously fight so hard for something to work, at some point you have to realize that a relationship on life support really is not a viable one. Pull the plug and let it die.

So you don't speak to your ex, but you do know he is late on "all his bills".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

1. Would you be happier? For me the answer is somewhat. I have more peace and I'm no longer walking around in turmoil worried if and when I will discover I am being cheated on again. It does get lonely at times, and its odd having to do things as a singleton that I used to do as a couple. I miss the companionship, but I will take my time and be highly selective when I chose my next mate.

2. Would it ruin the kids? My youngest was 13 when I left and I think his experience has been the worst. I feel like my family is divided now, which it is, yet I do not regret leaving. Honestly, I can't speak on if they are "ruined" or not since the situation is still relatively new. Ask me in 5-10 years.

3. Will I be broke? My finances are oddly much better now that it's just me handling my money. I found it much more difficult managing a two income household as opposed to one. I made substantially more and I received a significant promotion one year after I left. My ex husband struggles with finances. I believe he is late on all of his bills.

4. Same arguments? I don't speak to my ex, so no.

In all honesty my marriage was likely salvageable, but at what cost. I would not trade my current peace of mind for anything. If you have to stay in marriage counseling and continuously fight so hard for something to work, at some point you have to realize that a relationship on life support really is not a viable one. Pull the plug and let it die.

So you don't speak to your ex, but you do know he is late on "all his bills".

Yep. For some reason he still uses my email address, so I regularly receive emails regarding pay day loans that he's taken out. Also, my kids have mentioned when his water/cable/electricity have been cut off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would a divorce be like - would I really be happier? Would it ruin our kids? Will we be broke? Will everything be lonely? Will I just find a new partner and continue having the same stupid arguments, just with a different person?

I like to believe our marriage is worth saving, because we do love eachother and are attracted to one another. We just forgot, or never learned, how to be teammates and not adversaries.

1. "would I really be happier?"

After seven years I can see that certain aspects of my life are happier but a huge portion of my life is not happier. Although my ex wife filed for the divorce and therefore I had no real choice in the matter I have huge regret over how the divorce has negatively impacted the children.

2. "Would it ruin our kids?"

Yes. Those that say "kids are resilient" and "they thrive after divorce" are at best seeing life through filters. In my case, the ex wife has been forcing the kids to choose sides and has put the kids under a lot of pressure. The kids have not handled that well. My oldest is embarrassed and ashamed to be from a divorced family. He has cut ties with certain groups because their families are not divorced and he says those kids do/say things that hurt his feelings. My daughter has developed emotional and self esteem issues and self harm issues have developed.

I know people will want to blame me and say I'm not giving a true picture but I am not lying. Divorce is very hard on kids. Most of the time the parents do not behave well and that causes problems for the kids. Even if one parent tries hard the other parent often uses the kids against the other. Most of the time the mother uses the kids against the father.

3. "will everything be lonely?"

Your asking that makes me think you are a female. Being "lonely" wasn't a concern for me during the divorce. I was concerned about (1) how the kids were feeling (2) if my ex-wife and kids would have enough money (3) If I would get enough time with the kids (3) How I was going to be part of their life and what would happen to my relationship with my kids.

I was YEARS before I even started thinking about finding someone.

Was I lonely? YES. I was sad and depressed for a very long time. I was lonely for my kids.

4. will you just move on and have the same arguments?

Odd are that you will. Most people don't know how to learn and grow purposefully. If you are like my ex-wife you will not even move on. You will continue to find reasons and ways to have the same old arguments with your ex-husband and even if he refuses to engage and only communicates in writing in order to prevent fights you will leave nasty voice messages calling him names and rehashing the past. You will annoy all your friends with old "I hate my ex" stores.

I am a happily married woman and your post made me so sad. I wish you and your kids all the happiness in the world. I hope your kids overcome all the problems that the divorce caused them. I hope they grow up resilient, confident, happy, and healthy. I hope they are by your side in your old age. I hope and wish that you get happiness that you deserve and find someone who will love you for who you are. God bless you.

[Anonymous]

It's like getting the whole rest of your life back to do over.

What's that worth to you? Because to me, it was the greatest gift I could've ever given myself.

Best thing I ever did.