Regular grandmother behavior or nip it in the bud?
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Anonymous
Nothing wrong with nightly calls from a grandparent. Kids are lucky to have grandparents in their lives, and until recently kids grew up in multigenerational households. But the content of the phone call and asking about what presents they got on a daily basis is not normal. Maybe you can gently redirect her by suggesting she ask about: school/friends/hobbies/what they ate etc. She just may be clueless. Tell her that getting a gift every day is not an expected behavior. |
Anonymous
+1000 who has time to do that?? |
Anonymous
My son. He wants to facetime with his former nanny every single night. |
Anonymous
| Oh gosh that’s not normal! |
Anonymous
This is a weird response. I don't even have a great relationship with my parents, and I would facilitate a nightly call for my kids if the timing worked out. As it is, they Facetime a few times a week and love it. My grandparents were on a different continent from me when I was growing up. They made a point of visiting for an extended trip every summer, and despite expensive long distance calls I talked to them every couple of weeks and frequently wrote them letters. I would have loved if Facetime existed and I could talk to them everyday!! I will do what I can to facilitate that for my kids. That said, the whole asking about why didn't they get a new toy everyday would be a problem for me. I'm wondering if grandma just doesn't know how else to relate to them. My mom is a little socially awkward, and I could see her doing something like that (though she doesn't). There's a decent chance she's just struggling to make conversation. Try talking to her first, and then up the ante if that doesn't work. |
Anonymous
+100 |
Anonymous
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This is ridiculous. You need to tell her immediately to stop it and that you aren't going to have any more Facetime calls until she can stop. If she does it again, call stops immediately:
Grandma: "What toy did you get from the store today?" You: "It's time to say goodbye now. Goodbye, Grandma!" Click. She'll get the point. Have you ever asked her about this? This is really odd behavior. My MIL is local, too, and totally spoils my kids, getting them something every time she sees them (like 2-3 times per week). We've talked with her about it repeatedly and finally gotten her to back off a bit, but she would never do this. I really wonder what her thinking is and why she's doing this! |
Anonymous
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1. No nightly calls. 2. No calls at all if she continues disrespecting you and others in front of the kids. 3. To your question, this is deeply abnormal behavior. |
Anonymous
| OP this is insane behavior. I have never heard of such a thing. Nip this in the bud NOW before your kids turn into spoiled brats that expect to get a toy every time you go to a store. Just curious, when you were little did your mom buy you a toy every time you went somewhere? If not why does she think you have to do this with your kids? So crazy. |
Anonymous
NP you have absolutely no understanding of behavior training, do you? Getting the behavior you want from animals is very much like getting the behavior you want from people. Sometimes it's really easy and they do it as soon as they understand what you want. Sometimes it's harder and you have to do more 'training'. The techniques you use with animals isn't much different than what you use with people. |
Anonymous
| Narcissistic. With a side of passive aggressive behavior - she is implying that SHE would always buy them something. Tell her outright to stop it and if she doesn’t you have to follow through with the advice above and stop the convo and FaceTime immediately. |
Anonymous
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NOT OK. I'm a grandmother and would never ask my grandchild what toy they got, except on their birthday or Xmas. She is going to turn your kids into little "gimmes" who equate love with consumerism. I'd limit her FaceTime to several supervised visits per week and direct her conversation to their interests.
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Anonymous
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1. Have a separate conversation where you ask her to stop, explaining that you don't buy a toy every time you go out, you don't intend to, and you don't appreciate her implying that you're a bad mother for not doing so.
2. If she continues to say this on the call, correct her in the moment. "Mom, I don't buy things for the kids every time we go out. They don't need that. You know that. Please stop or we'll have to talk another time." 3. If she still won't stop, limit the calls and tell her why. Don't hang up on an adult without explanation. Not only is that rude, it doesn't teach your kids anything. They don't know your reasoning so all they hear is Grandma asking about toys and you hanging up. You need to explain this isn't reality before you hang up, so the kids can hear it. |
Anonymous
| Every Mother's Day and bday, buy her a new book about Boundaries. There are several out there. |
Anonymous
| This is not normal but perhaps your mother is at a loss for what sort of things to try and engage the children about. Firmly tell your mother that you don't want her to talk to the children about acquiring material goods any longer. Maybe a few times as Christmas approaches (asking what they hope Santa brings). And then offer ideas for topics to bring up. (this happened at school today, ask Susie about that; ask them about their costume ideas for Halloween; ask them to sing her a song, etc.). My guess is your mom doesn't have a good handle on how to express her caring for her grandkids over the phone and defaults to talking about gifts and treats. Help her by changing the narrative |