Regular grandmother behavior or nip it in the bud?

[Anonymous]

NIP HARD

[Anonymous]

Not normal. Facetiming/seeing the child every day is fine. Asking about what toy they got?!? Not OK and not normal.

You need to make it clear that the daily messaging needs to be child led with no mention of toys or gifts (unless they actually got one). There should be plenty to talk about - something that happened at school, what they saw out the window, anything random that happened to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're already passed the point of "nipping it in the bud." This problem is already full bloom. Your mom isn't going to stop behavior that is so entrenched that it's part of her nightly repertoire, just because you have one conversation with her where you tell her you don't like it. The time to nip something in the bud is when it starts. You will now have to take a much stronger stance, especially since she has already turned this adversarial. You need to explain why what she is doing is unacceptable and you will need to tell her that FaceTime conversations will end immediately if she engages in this behavior. Then you have to enforce that. Every time she asks about getting a new toy, you immediately end the call.

This is a bit dramatic, it's OP's mom, not an enemy spy or a recalcitrant Jack Russell.

OP, just ask her outright "Why do you keep telling them they get presents from every store? It's a strange thing to say and if they believe you it will turn them into spoiled brats. I didn't get a present from every store, so I don't know where this is coming from. Knock it off, please."

I'm guessing you don't have a mother like this.

I don't, but given that OP came here to ask whether it was normal she obviously hasn't asked her to stop. I think it's strange to think so many people are advising her to go straight to training her like an unhousebroken puppy rather than see if a basic conversation will fix the problem. My mom isn't perfect and can't read my mind, but she is a thinking adult and if I ask her to do something differently with my kids she'll do it.

NP you have absolutely no understanding of behavior training, do you? Getting the behavior you want from animals is very much like getting the behavior you want from people. Sometimes it's really easy and they do it as soon as they understand what you want. Sometimes it's harder and you have to do more 'training'. The techniques you use with animals isn't much different than what you use with people.

I'm another NP.
I'm with the post in bold above.
So many posters including the person responding immediately above are treating OP's situation as if the mother is simply an animal to be trained rather than a sentient human with whom an adult child would have an adult conversation. That's where you start, OP -- being a grown-up who is not afraid to talk to your mom directly but without anger or snarkiness.

Call her one on one, no kids present. Tell her that the kids look forward to her calls but then say you need to ask her to do something for you. Then: "Mom, you may not realize you're saying this, but when you talk to the kids you mention us buying them toys and you ask what they got if we took them out.

"They're starting to expect toys at every visit to every store and I'm sure you can see how that is a problem. We don't want the kids to think toys are something to expect and not an occasional gift. So I'm asking that you not mention toys at all when you talk to them tomorrow. Hey, maybe you didn't know, but Sally really had a great time doing X at preschool (or whatever) this week, and Sammy and his friend did Y at the park -- I would just love them to tell you all about it tomorrow!"

Be direct but don't blame. Speak as if she of course "gets it" (even if she doesn't): "I'm sure you can see...." Make a clear request. Follow with a positive, concrete, specific topic she can bring up when they next talk--and be there when they do, and steer the conversation in that direction swiftly. If she brings up toys, always have a topic at hand to bring up and distract the kids and divert her. Mom says, "Did you go to the store this week? Did...." And you chime in with, "The only store was the grocery store and we got Rice Krispies to make treats! Sally, tell grandma about the Rice Krispy treats we made...."

I know, it's a lot of management but it may help. And if she persists, you need to repeat the original statement -- not a discussion, a clear statement -- that you do not want toys or people who fail to get them toys brought up as a subject because it creates issues for you when she is finished talking with them. She really may not see that when she is done with the call, you are the one who has to deal with the fallout of kids who are disappointed or upset or confused. She may just have little to no idea that what to her is just stuff in a conversation generates problems later. And she may not really remember how to talk to kids -- this could be her attempt to find something to say to them, which is why I would guide conversations more for a while to come, and would direct things toward specific activities your kids are doing.

But converse, and don't treat her like a dog to be trained. Please.

I also would stop daily calls but do it gradually and naturally if you can. Tell her at the end of a Friday call that the family's taking the weekend off calls so you can go to some things with the kids, and you'll talk to her on Monday. Or tell her the whole family has an event on Wednesday night so no call that night. Whatever. Start ramping back and -- make the reasons real ones. That time on the phone could be family time a few more times a week. It does add up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NIP HARD

We should adopt this slogan for all MIL, and relationship, or behavioral issues.

[Anonymous]

Not normal at all. Nip it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the other repliers--and the one who said you're past nipping it in the bud. If she can't respect your wishes on the topic, perhaps nightly calls are not necessary or, as one suggested, end the call when it goes in that direction. It's also OK to tell your children that even though Grandma is a grown up, it doesn't mean she's correct on all subjects. It's a great opportunity to teach your children gratefulness and how they should never expect to be bought anything by anyone pretty much ever--but to be thankful. Best of luck and prayers and fortitude!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Have a separate conversation where you ask her to stop, explaining that you don't buy a toy every time you go out, you don't intend to, and you don't appreciate her implying that you're a bad mother for not doing so.

2. If she continues to say this on the call, correct her in the moment. "Mom, I don't buy things for the kids every time we go out. They don't need that. You know that. Please stop or we'll have to talk another time."

3. If she still won't stop, limit the calls and tell her why.

Don't hang up on an adult without explanation. Not only is that rude, it doesn't teach your kids anything. They don't know your reasoning so all they hear is Grandma asking about toys and you hanging up. You need to explain this isn't reality before you hang up, so the kids can hear it.

+1 to all of this.

[Anonymous]

not normal

[Anonymous]

Regular boundaries just don't work with this type. She knows it's wrong but she's secretly feeding off your discomfort and your kids' confusion. Just stop the FaceTime completely. And watch her like a hawk because she'll find other avenues.