Regular grandmother behavior or nip it in the bud?

[Anonymous]

My mother is local and Facetimes with the children (7,3) nightly. Every single day she will ask what toy they got from the store- grocery store, target, etc

It's to the point where she has told the kids that the person who was with them at the store should've bought something for them and used terms that the person (myself, spouse, other grandparents) were rude, mean, uncaring etc... directly on the phone. It's getting worse now that my older child is able to understand what's happening.


Where do I start? Is this normal grandmother behavior?

[Anonymous]

Not normal behavior. Very abnormal. I'd just tell her directly "they don't get a treat every time we leave the house, and they're starting to expect one because of these talks. Please stop telling them they deserve new toys every day."

[Anonymous]

Nip it in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Not OK.

[Anonymous]

Not normal. Not healthy for the children. Not okay.

[Anonymous]

I think that there is a wide range of normal. However, I do think that most people would find what your mother is doing to be intrusive and unacceptable.

You say that she is local. How often does she actually see her grandchildren? Is she feeling jealous that others get to spend more time with the kids and her way of elevating herself in her grandkids' eyes is putting down the decisions made by their parents/other grandparents, etc ?

[Anonymous]

Not okay. I'd stop the nightly calls if she doesn't knock it off.

[Anonymous]

You're already passed the point of "nipping it in the bud." This problem is already full bloom. Your mom isn't going to stop behavior that is so entrenched that it's part of her nightly repertoire, just because you have one conversation with her where you tell her you don't like it. The time to nip something in the bud is when it starts. You will now have to take a much stronger stance, especially since she has already turned this adversarial. You need to explain why what she is doing is unacceptable and you will need to tell her that FaceTime conversations will end immediately if she engages in this behavior. Then you have to enforce that. Every time she asks about getting a new toy, you immediately end the call.

[Anonymous]

The whole thing is unusual, including nightly calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole thing is unusual, including nightly calls.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're already passed the point of "nipping it in the bud." This problem is already full bloom. Your mom isn't going to stop behavior that is so entrenched that it's part of her nightly repertoire, just because you have one conversation with her where you tell her you don't like it. The time to nip something in the bud is when it starts. You will now have to take a much stronger stance, especially since she has already turned this adversarial. You need to explain why what she is doing is unacceptable and you will need to tell her that FaceTime conversations will end immediately if she engages in this behavior. Then you have to enforce that. Every time she asks about getting a new toy, you immediately end the call.

This is a bit dramatic, it's OP's mom, not an enemy spy or a recalcitrant Jack Russell.

OP, just ask her outright "Why do you keep telling them they get presents from every store? It's a strange thing to say and if they believe you it will turn them into spoiled brats. I didn't get a present from every store, so I don't know where this is coming from. Knock it off, please."

[Anonymous]

Not normal. Stop the nightly calls and make it clear that you are the parent and are not seeking either validation or criticism from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're already passed the point of "nipping it in the bud." This problem is already full bloom. Your mom isn't going to stop behavior that is so entrenched that it's part of her nightly repertoire, just because you have one conversation with her where you tell her you don't like it. The time to nip something in the bud is when it starts. You will now have to take a much stronger stance, especially since she has already turned this adversarial. You need to explain why what she is doing is unacceptable and you will need to tell her that FaceTime conversations will end immediately if she engages in this behavior. Then you have to enforce that. Every time she asks about getting a new toy, you immediately end the call.

This is a bit dramatic, it's OP's mom, not an enemy spy or a recalcitrant Jack Russell.

OP, just ask her outright "Why do you keep telling them they get presents from every store? It's a strange thing to say and if they believe you it will turn them into spoiled brats. I didn't get a present from every store, so I don't know where this is coming from. Knock it off, please."

I'm guessing you don't have a mother like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're already passed the point of "nipping it in the bud." This problem is already full bloom. Your mom isn't going to stop behavior that is so entrenched that it's part of her nightly repertoire, just because you have one conversation with her where you tell her you don't like it. The time to nip something in the bud is when it starts. You will now have to take a much stronger stance, especially since she has already turned this adversarial. You need to explain why what she is doing is unacceptable and you will need to tell her that FaceTime conversations will end immediately if she engages in this behavior. Then you have to enforce that. Every time she asks about getting a new toy, you immediately end the call.

This is a bit dramatic, it's OP's mom, not an enemy spy or a recalcitrant Jack Russell.

OP, just ask her outright "Why do you keep telling them they get presents from every store? It's a strange thing to say and if they believe you it will turn them into spoiled brats. I didn't get a present from every store, so I don't know where this is coming from. Knock it off, please."

I'm guessing you don't have a mother like this.

I don't, but given that OP came here to ask whether it was normal she obviously hasn't asked her to stop. I think it's strange to think so many people are advising her to go straight to training her like an unhousebroken puppy rather than see if a basic conversation will fix the problem. My mom isn't perfect and can't read my mind, but she is a thinking adult and if I ask her to do something differently with my kids she'll do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're already passed the point of "nipping it in the bud." This problem is already full bloom. Your mom isn't going to stop behavior that is so entrenched that it's part of her nightly repertoire, just because you have one conversation with her where you tell her you don't like it. The time to nip something in the bud is when it starts. You will now have to take a much stronger stance, especially since she has already turned this adversarial. You need to explain why what she is doing is unacceptable and you will need to tell her that FaceTime conversations will end immediately if she engages in this behavior. Then you have to enforce that. Every time she asks about getting a new toy, you immediately end the call.

This is a bit dramatic, it's OP's mom, not an enemy spy or a recalcitrant Jack Russell.

OP, just ask her outright "Why do you keep telling them they get presents from every store? It's a strange thing to say and if they believe you it will turn them into spoiled brats. I didn't get a present from every store, so I don't know where this is coming from. Knock it off, please."

I'm guessing you don't have a mother like this.

I don't, but given that OP came here to ask whether it was normal she obviously hasn't asked her to stop. I think it's strange to think so many people are advising her to go straight to training her like an unhousebroken puppy rather than see if a basic conversation will fix the problem. My mom isn't perfect and can't read my mind, but she is a thinking adult and if I ask her to do something differently with my kids she'll do it.

Yes, that's exactly the point. A normal mother would stop doing something you found it objectionable. But a normal mother wouldn't tell your kids that you don't buy toys for them on a daily basis because you don't really care about them. A grandmother who would do that doesn't recognize normal boundaries. And OP doesn't either or she wouldn't have to ask if this is normal.