Struggling with husband's unwillingness to socialize
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Anonymous
Hahahaha OP here, I appreciate the varied opinions and insights you all are sharing...thank you. Sometimes just being able to vent somewhere puts the "problem" in perspective...and then the feedback helps me get outside of the story I'm telling myself or the way I've framed it in my head. |
Anonymous
I think of this https://www.bustle.com/articles/102813-10-signs-youre-a-covert-narcissist-not-just-an-introvert Introverts confuse introversion and bring a tortured genius special snowflake |
Anonymous
Whoa. I think I understand my SIL more now. |
Anonymous
This is so true. The sanctimoniousness and smugness of introverts when this issue comes up is truly ridiculous and hysterical. |
Anonymous
| Same exact issue, OP. Our compromise is that I tell him the events that he simply must attend, and let him slide on the rest. And I plan plenty of girls' nights. My advice is to come to an explicit compromise on this, and then let it go. You will drive yourself crazy if you look to him to participate in all your social activities, and you will begin to resent each other. |
Anonymous
What is that belongs to the dog or cat that the introverts love? (if you are going to create a meme, get the apostrophes correct!) |
Anonymous
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My husband is like this too. He was never SUPER social, but added pressure / time suck of work and kids has made him more introverted than he used to be. He no longer goes out with just the guys, at all, because they like to go out and drink and that's just not his thing (he's ok with a dinner or golfing etc but HATES the 2am drinking thing).
He also complains that I over-schedule us, which I really don't think I do. I'd say we go "out out" maybe once a month, if that. We spend a LOT of weekend nights - most - at home with our kids (who are still pretty little, 3 and 6). I try to respect his need for space, but I also do think it's important to have families we're all friendly with. He's not AWFUL - rarely refuses to go to things and is ok when he's there - but I do get a lot of complaining behind the scenes. It's tough. |
Anonymous
Nothing but if you have a partner who likes to socialize, then it's hard on them if you refuse to go out |
Anonymous
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I think both of you are being a bit extreme. Maybe he is just introverted, but that doesn't mean his need for down time trumps your need for social connection. I am an introvert myself and I agree that it is not fair to kids for either parent to dig in their heels and refuse to socialize. Yes, your kids can find their own friendships eventually, but they are robbed of having a village of adults they know and trust who can be mentors and examples to them. For us, we have one area (church for our family) where we all make an effort to be social. By opening myself up to that, we have made many friends who have become close enough that they are real friends and we can have meaningful conversations and have supported one another through various life changes. My kids benefit a lot from those relationships but they only came about because I force myself out of my comfort zone once a week.
My advice for OP would be to address it directly and respectfully: You need X amount of social time, he needs Y amount of solitude and the kids get benefits AB and C from family socialization. Then come up with an explicit plan, e.g.: You will go out with friends once a week. (With kids or will you get a sitter) He will go to X family-friendly group activity twice a month You won't pester him to socialize outside of that. |
Anonymous
| My husband is sort of like this, except that he will occasionally socialize with others to watch soccer. I learned a little about soccer and now get together around once every month to watch a game with DH, his friends, and his friends' wives. Not ideal, but at least its something. |
Anonymous
PP here. I didn't mean this to generally disparage introverts or people who identify as such and I don't think that most people who are introverts think of themselves as "extremely secret geniuses." I think that it's OK to like socializing less regardless of reason. I just think that we have these kind of fake internet psychology memes that are not well grounded in science and have kind of broken into common parlance. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had with people who "know" that someone who is awkward is "aspergers" or "on the spectrum" |
Anonymous
Apostrophes are intentional mockery of internet memes-see responsive tweet. |
Anonymous
The problem is when one spouse needs socializing and friends other than the couple. What are you going to do if your spouse dies first? Just not have social interaction? Social interaction keeps people living longer. |
Anonymous
| Lots of people don't enjoy church or kid's birthday parties. See how he does at sporting events, older kid's sporting events such as high school. I bet he'll thoroughly enjoy those, though the joy may not be socializing with the parents but in watching his children and the event. |
Anonymous
+1 So I'm the introvert in the couple, and one thing that this PP here points out is "people we aren't 100% comfortable with." So a great strategy that has worked for me is DH and I identified a couple that we really like (and kids like the kids, too). That couple we pushed through the "uncomfortable" part with until we know them so well, we and they are always dropping in (text or phone call first, I mean, we are over at each other's houses a lot with little notice). It's a little like extended family. For example, my kids got off the bus on Friday and unbeknownst to them, during the day, the mom and I had set up a "playdate" and her kids were already at my house. Since my older one had planned on running, she went off running for part of the "playdate" even though her friends were here--because it was an impromptu thing so we don't treat it as much like formal guests. Then the dads appeared later on. Very casual. (playdate is in quotes because they are now teens and that word is forbidden, LOL) So work with your DH and identify someone/family he could agree to do work on--it's work--to get over that initial hump, so that it becomes easy. But for an introvert, it's short term work, so set it up like a project (so, when he's not too busy) |