Struggling with husband's unwillingness to socialize
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Anonymous
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When we met in college, he was very social, always participating in or organizing fun things. Now it's like pulling teeth to get him to socialize with anyone other than me. I just did my own thing for a long time (took classes, met up with friends, etc) but now we have kids and it's harder to find the time to both see friends AND spend time with my husband. He also avoids any kid-friendly group settings like church, birthday parties, etc. I think he's depressed but he doesn't. He says he's just like this. But it hasn't always been this way. Or maybe he's not depressed...It seems like he is more outgoing at work, and when he gets home, he just sits on the couch.
It's getting to where I can't deal anymore and I don't know what to do. |
Anonymous
| Wow feel like my DW wrote this. |
Anonymous
| I've always been an introvert, during college I tried to socialize more and had a roommate who pushed me to go out more. I wanted to me accepted and make friends. I had fun, but now I'm perfectly content just hanging out with my DH. You need to understand that for an introvert socializing with people we aren't 100% comfortable with is a lot of work and just exhausting. Now that I'm older and more comfortable in my own skin I don't see the point in trying to be someone I'm not. Luckily my DH is the same way and happy when it's just the two of us. |
Anonymous
| Honest question: do you think it's fair to kids for parents to be like this? Do you think it disadvantages them in any way for parents to interact with other adults only when it's required, like parent-teacher conferences or family weddings? Because my initial reaction would be yes, but I feel like hearing another take on this would be helpful. I'm truly interested and don't mean for the question to sound overly critical. |
Anonymous
Does he have any friends of his own that he hangs out with? Also, are there other men present at the kid-friendly events? |
Anonymous
You have to be joking. There is a wide range of normal human behavior, and the described behavior fits in that range. What isn't normal is thinking that an introverted parent somehow handicaps a child because of "parent-teacher conferences". |
Anonymous
| That's me. I avoid group settings, especially with random socializing (including relatives). I partied a lot in college and grad school. I don't have energy for partying anymore, people suck the energy out of me. I am very happy to spend time with one friend in a home setting, not with couple of friends going out. Even happier to be at home with DH and host a playdate/sleepover. |
Anonymous
I declined all the wedding invitations and nobody goes to parent-teacher conferences (I "forget" to schedule them). DH has no problems with that. |
Anonymous
+1000. people are exhausting but I'm still an ok dad. |
Anonymous
I am a hard introvert. I pretty much only socialize when required. I think it's harder on kids when the mom is this way, rather than when the dad is. My children have suffered because I'm just not up for going out with the other moms or whatnot after work. I'm done. I want to go home. My children don't benefit from the mom-groups that form and keep the kids thrown together. They have to create their own friendships. Which I do support - but I'm going to drop off my child and not come in for a coffee. I'm going to host your children, but I don't want to host you. I have extroverted children and it's been hard on them, especially the in-between ages like 7-10 where the kids aren't quite scheduling their own get togethers and it's not as easy as the "everyone gets together at the park and plays" as the little kid ages. A lot of the socializing in that age span seemed to be parents-get-together-and-so-do-the-kids. On the other hand, my children have introverted friends who they really understand because they've grown up with me. I like to think I'm raising respectful, considerate extroverts. My children are also very capable of building and maintaining their own communities. They haven't piggy-backed on mine, and they're very good at taking care of their friendships. I spent a couple of years sure I was ruining my children's lives, but I just didn't have the social energy to go out for drinks or spend the day chatting at the zoo. I'll take the kids to the zoo, but I'd like to just quietly enjoy myself and watch the kids, and not have to maintain a constant stream of chatter. But now that my kids are teenagers and almost-teens, I am so proud of them. They have wonderful social groups, and I feel a special bit of pride about the range of friends they have. My husband has picked up some of the slack, but it's the moms who are supposed to socialize for the benefit of their children. I feel like our children's lives would be easier if their dad were like me, and I like him. |
Anonymous
| Not seeing the problem here. We don't socialize a lot. We enjoy spending time together as a family. I feel sorry for those who can't feel comfortable at home, and need to socialize, need date nights, separate vacations, etc. |
Anonymous
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My husband is like this, too. I am a mild extravert (right on the I/E line) - I like socializing a couple of times a week and also spending a ton of time just us. Not a party person, but enjoy getting together for meals or that kind of thing.
Definitely, I feel like we don't socialize enough and my husband feels like we socialize too much. I do a fair amount of socializing without my husband. It's been an issue for us through the years. I don't know how amenable your husband is to trying to do some socializing in order to make you happy - something that works for us is for me to put invitations in our joint calendar and at the same time promise my husband that if we have dinner with C&B on Saturday night, he doesn't have to leave the house on Sunday; negotiate his willingness to go out a little. I also try to put endpoints in our socializing - like if we are going to a party, I promise we can leave after two hours, even if I still want to stay and chat. Then I stick to it and don't make him beg me to go. (G_d, writing this all out makes it seem so sad! But honestly, when it comes down to it, I'd rather have a husband who prefers my company to one who'd rather be out all the time - at least that's how I can think of it when I'm not totally frustrated!) |
Anonymous
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Whenever people get into introvert/extrovert conversations, I am always reminded of this.
https://twitter.com/thomas_violence/status/765399291733041152 |
Anonymous
| My DH will only do his thing on his terms. I used to wait for a day when we would be a team in our activities at least some of the time, but just leave him at home now. My life was passing me by. |
Anonymous
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My husband is a people person. I used to be because I was obligated to my kids but when that ended all my socializing stopped. I find most people boring because you never truly get the real person and material competition is not my thing.
I've been blissfully happy being alone for 20 years. Who made the rule you had to be social to be complete ? |