STBXH is about to start something with DD's physical therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really just a rant. I have posted on DCUM a few times about my divorce. Our daughter has PT twice a week. We are in a contentious divorce and we both go to every appointment possible. I realized last week after they had several private, intimate side convos that my soon-to-be XH is now after our physical therapist. I am not jealous, but woukd feel sorry for her if she bought his BS. After dealing with his games for 6 years, I see he is setting her up as a romantic interest. I suspect his motive is to use her, as a professional, to screw me in some way in the future. He spread lies about me to my/our friends. Most didn't listen, some did. I can't stop what he is going to do. I am just pissed that I am about to be put at odds with this woman who is supposed to be providing medical care for my daughter. I can't request a change at the moment, but as soon as I can. I will.

Yeah, you're not jealous.

My thoughts exactly.

Say nothing and get yourself some therapy. You need it.

[Anonymous]

Your post is confusing.

It would be unethical for her to date a patient's parent while they are under care. I'm not sure there is much you can do about that beyond switching providers.

Try to get distance on this. Not everything is worth reacting to. Talk therapy might be of use in having a place to talk this through clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

daisygirl wrote:OP here. DD is 5. I mentioned that the reason we're both going to as many appointments as our schedules allow is because we're in the middle of a very contentious divorce. Neither of us can afford to look like the parent who doesn't care enough to attend. And he doesn't communicate well enough with me that I have a clear understanding of what is going on. He tells me how he wants the outcome to be, but the reality is really something different.

We try to both go to both, because the two days are very different types of PT in two different locations. It used to be the same type of PT in the same location, but this physical therapist suggested a different treatment that has worked wonders for my DD. She is walking and running in ways she never could. Same physical therapist.

They move away from other people and have side conversations about DD without me. You are right I should assert myself. My ex is a narcissistic abuser, so in these situations, he is going to shut down that specific conversation and act like I'm a moron. That is just what he does.

I made the comment about my hair and makeup, because if I show up looking like crap, it may reinforce whatever he said about me. I just don't want to give him any room to make this case against me. And besides, I have dozens of reasons to do my hair and makeup, and I actually need to exercise them on a daily basis.

I told him tonight that we should start rotating who takes DD to the far away appointments. They are 90 minutes away, even using the toll road during rush hour. She is making so much progress, and we just started this 2 months ago, I do want to be there as much as I can. I am nervous that even if I say I'm not coming, you shouldn't come next week, that he will still show up. I won't not show up until he agrees we're rotating.

I really do have to divorce myself from the situation. That's why I posted. I can't stop him, I can't worry about it. I can't let it change anything. When I talked to him today, he spoke in plurals about everything regarding the PT. "We (her and him) are" and "XX and I think." "We were talking and we think..."

Yes, absolutely, I know she can't have a relationship with him while my daughter is in her care. It does not stop him from trying to win her over and it does not stop her feelings. I told myself last week that I don't care unless he tries to use her to come after me about something in a professional capacity (i.e. use to her get full custody). And then I would go after her license or her job or whatever.

I'm hoping she's just super nice and she can continue to help my daughter and eventually we all part ways down the road with no issues.

I say this nicely, please get yourself some help. You need it

I am going to say this once, and I forgot to include it in the response to all the other questions. I am in therapy. I am using DV resources as much as I can. I am on meds to reduce anxiety.

There are so many stupid threads on this board about "I think my spouse is cheating."that I am allowed to tell a handful of people I don't know (you all), who don't know me, that this insane possibility is something I think about.

Because he cheated on me 2 times.

Because he slept with someone else and then 4 hours later came home and slept with me while I was pregnant.

Beacuse he threatened to hurt me.

I got out, therapy, lawyers. What else does DCUM want from me before it stops blaming me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

daisygirl wrote:OP here. DD is 5. I mentioned that the reason we're both going to as many appointments as our schedules allow is because we're in the middle of a very contentious divorce. Neither of us can afford to look like the parent who doesn't care enough to attend. And he doesn't communicate well enough with me that I have a clear understanding of what is going on. He tells me how he wants the outcome to be, but the reality is really something different.

We try to both go to both, because the two days are very different types of PT in two different locations. It used to be the same type of PT in the same location, but this physical therapist suggested a different treatment that has worked wonders for my DD. She is walking and running in ways she never could. Same physical therapist.

They move away from other people and have side conversations about DD without me. You are right I should assert myself. My ex is a narcissistic abuser, so in these situations, he is going to shut down that specific conversation and act like I'm a moron. That is just what he does.

I made the comment about my hair and makeup, because if I show up looking like crap, it may reinforce whatever he said about me. I just don't want to give him any room to make this case against me. And besides, I have dozens of reasons to do my hair and makeup, and I actually need to exercise them on a daily basis.

I told him tonight that we should start rotating who takes DD to the far away appointments. They are 90 minutes away, even using the toll road during rush hour. She is making so much progress, and we just started this 2 months ago, I do want to be there as much as I can. I am nervous that even if I say I'm not coming, you shouldn't come next week, that he will still show up. I won't not show up until he agrees we're rotating.

I really do have to divorce myself from the situation. That's why I posted. I can't stop him, I can't worry about it. I can't let it change anything. When I talked to him today, he spoke in plurals about everything regarding the PT. "We (her and him) are" and "XX and I think." "We were talking and we think..."

Yes, absolutely, I know she can't have a relationship with him while my daughter is in her care. It does not stop him from trying to win her over and it does not stop her feelings. I told myself last week that I don't care unless he tries to use her to come after me about something in a professional capacity (i.e. use to her get full custody). And then I would go after her license or her job or whatever.

I'm hoping she's just super nice and she can continue to help my daughter and eventually we all part ways down the road with no issues.

I say this nicely, please get yourself some help. You need it

I am going to say this once, and I forgot to include it in the response to all the other questions. I am in therapy. I am using DV resources as much as I can. I am on meds to reduce anxiety.

There are so many stupid threads on this board about "I think my spouse is cheating."that I am allowed to tell a handful of people I don't know (you all), who don't know me, that this insane possibility is something I think about.

Because he cheated on me 2 times.

Because he slept with someone else and then 4 hours later came home and slept with me while I was pregnant.

Beacuse he threatened to hurt me.

I got out, therapy, lawyers. What else does DCUM want from me before it stops blaming me?

We want you to continue receiving help, because the more you post, the more hurt and confused you sound.
This man could start sleeping with the therapist and what would it change for your daughter, eh? Nothing.
There is no mechanism by which he could be using the therapist against you.

Please don't act crazy, OP. Keep it for your therapist, write in your journal, take your meds, meditate, take walks, whatever. But you have got to stop these intrusive and irrational thoughts.
He cheated. He will sleep with other women, some of whom you know, maybe even her. It's really not important.

[Anonymous]

Is she hot? Is that why you're jealous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In addition to following pp's advise, please see a therapist.

You are now inventing scenarios in your mind that people are conspiring against you.

You have no idea what they were discussing.

You have no idea her thoughts on the matter, yet you are worked up over this. Divorce is hard, contentious divorce is even harder.
Don't make a tough situation worse by putting the cart before the horse.

This. You're becoming your own worst enemy, OP.

+1 I remember right before my divorce getting upset that DH left a 22% tip at a restaurant because I'd decided he was trying to take home the lesbian bartender.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

daisygirl wrote:OP here. DD is 5. I mentioned that the reason we're both going to as many appointments as our schedules allow is because we're in the middle of a very contentious divorce. Neither of us can afford to look like the parent who doesn't care enough to attend. And he doesn't communicate well enough with me that I have a clear understanding of what is going on. He tells me how he wants the outcome to be, but the reality is really something different.

We try to both go to both, because the two days are very different types of PT in two different locations. It used to be the same type of PT in the same location, but this physical therapist suggested a different treatment that has worked wonders for my DD. She is walking and running in ways she never could. Same physical therapist.

They move away from other people and have side conversations about DD without me. You are right I should assert myself. My ex is a narcissistic abuser, so in these situations, he is going to shut down that specific conversation and act like I'm a moron. That is just what he does.

I made the comment about my hair and makeup, because if I show up looking like crap, it may reinforce whatever he said about me. I just don't want to give him any room to make this case against me. And besides, I have dozens of reasons to do my hair and makeup, and I actually need to exercise them on a daily basis.

I told him tonight that we should start rotating who takes DD to the far away appointments. They are 90 minutes away, even using the toll road during rush hour. She is making so much progress, and we just started this 2 months ago, I do want to be there as much as I can. I am nervous that even if I say I'm not coming, you shouldn't come next week, that he will still show up. I won't not show up until he agrees we're rotating.

I really do have to divorce myself from the situation. That's why I posted. I can't stop him, I can't worry about it. I can't let it change anything. When I talked to him today, he spoke in plurals about everything regarding the PT. "We (her and him) are" and "XX and I think." "We were talking and we think..."

Yes, absolutely, I know she can't have a relationship with him while my daughter is in her care. It does not stop him from trying to win her over and it does not stop her feelings. I told myself last week that I don't care unless he tries to use her to come after me about something in a professional capacity (i.e. use to her get full custody). And then I would go after her license or her job or whatever.

I'm hoping she's just super nice and she can continue to help my daughter and eventually we all part ways down the road with no issues.

I say this nicely, please get yourself some help. You need it

I am going to say this once, and I forgot to include it in the response to all the other questions. I am in therapy. I am using DV resources as much as I can. I am on meds to reduce anxiety.

There are so many stupid threads on this board about "I think my spouse is cheating."that I am allowed to tell a handful of people I don't know (you all), who don't know me, that this insane possibility is something I think about.

Because he cheated on me 2 times.

Because he slept with someone else and then 4 hours later came home and slept with me while I was pregnant.

Beacuse he threatened to hurt me.


I got out, therapy, lawyers. What else does DCUM want from me before it stops blaming me?

I'll try again. For some reason my previous post got deleted.
You need to read the replies again carefully.
No one is blaaming you, what people are encouraging you to do is to get a handle on you emotions before you do something you might regret.
You have been hurt before and are seeing attacks everywhere which is normal.
But you aren't dealing with facts. You are assuming something is happening with the PT you have no evidence of that.
His actions including the phone conversation with you are by design he knows he can elicit this kind of response with you it's part of his manipulation and the abuse. You'be left him, but he's still trying to mess with your mind and right now it's working.

[Anonymous]

Op just because your husband cheated doesn't mean your physical therapist wants anything to do with him. Step away from the divorce and think about how you're denigrating this professional woman who is just doing her job and caring for your DD. She talked to her patients dad. That's her job. By assuming she's a) interested in your husband and b) going to go along with any plan you believe he's concocting to harm you and your daughter, you do her a real disservice and crap all over her professionalism and dedication.

Women don't work this hard to get these jobs to have people like you accuse them of Guiding Light-style machinations while they provide service to your child. You may be in a bad divorce but what you're doing to this woman is shameful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you sound a little deranged.

I don't think you know what deranged means. So first, grapple with that. Then, work on being a bit kinder. Your post wasn't. Have a nice day.

Perhaps you haven't read all of the OP's posts then. Deranged fits the bill quite nicely. Maybe you should work on expanding your vocabulary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: [much deleted]

I got out, therapy, lawyers. What else does DCUM want from me before it stops blaming me?

This is DCUM; If you are looking for universal validation, you came to the wrong place. Some people here are looking for inconsistencies to prove you are troll (not suggesting that); others are trying to show you are a lousy human being (I am not saying that). The majority of posters (I bet) are being reasonable, but they do not post as much as the a**holes.

As for me, I look at the titles for ironies....Physical with the physical therapist seems appropriate.

Kind of like going to the HVAC specialist and saying they acted cool, but were also HOT!

It is DCUM....free advice is often worth what you pay. Random people that don't know anything and are projecting there own insecurities and issues on to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op just because your husband cheated doesn't mean your physical therapist wants anything to do with him. Step away from the divorce and think about how you're denigrating this professional woman who is just doing her job and caring for your DD. She talked to her patients dad. That's her job. By assuming she's a) interested in your husband and b) going to go along with any plan you believe he's concocting to harm you and your daughter, you do her a real disservice and crap all over her professionalism and dedication.

Women don't work this hard to get these jobs to have people like you accuse them of Guiding Light-style machinations while they provide service to your child. You may be in a bad divorce but what you're doing to this woman is shameful.

This is true, OP. You need to let it sink in. Just because your ex may want her to align with him in whatever way doesn't mean she is going to be vulnerable to it. Your thinking is catastrophic and somewhat paranoid. Perhaps you have some PTSD from your relationship - I don't doubt that he's every bit as awful as you describe, that he's toxic and abusive But this perception of the physical therapist, who is a professional that you admit is helping your child a great deal, sounds distorted. You imagine your DH is somehow so powerful that he can ensnare her in his plan to hurt you and bring you down, and that's highly unlikely. If you lash out at her it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and she WILl have a negative perception of you.

[Anonymous]

You need to seek help OP. Besides, even if they're setting up time to go on sex dates, it's no longer your concern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You need to behave in an irreproachable way so that everyone you come into contact with has a hard time believing what he says. A divorced father at school said terrible things about his ex when he enrolled his kids, and we didn't believe him. She has gone out of her way to be courteous, kind and attentive, for YEARS, so... actions speak louder than words.

If she's going out of her way to be nice and her ex husband is hurt she could be BPD. This is a classic scenario where they make the ex spouse appear angry and crazy. She may have cheated on him and gaskighted him for years.

[Anonymous]

OP - divorce will make you crazy. Contested divorce can change you forever. It can become an obsession and the rest of the world sees you as a lunatic that's spiraling down a rabbit hole of paranoid delusions while you are blinded by the war going on in your world.

I've seen it several times. One of DW's good friends can not be in a conversation without directing it toward her ex-H and what a shit he is. She has been divorced almost 5 years.

What you are seeing may be nothing or it may be accurate but the bottom line is, it doesn't matter. The sooner you can see that and feel that, the better for you and for your child. The two of you are competing for a "best parent" award because of the pending legal battle instead of focusing on your daughter. Who is the loser in this? Your daughter. Don't engage. Whether he's trying to make you jealous, hoping to call the PT as a witness to what a great dad he is or has some other reason for talking to her, you can't control that. Let it go. He likely sees it bothering you, which just eggs him on more. Focus on your girl and her improvement. Maybe bring a nice little gift for the PT to say thanks for finding a treatment that was so helpful. Don't try to win her over, just do it if you feel it because you are grateful for what she did. Genuineness comes thru.

Once you divest of this, take a step back and think about that little girl and how wonderful she is. The two of you, whatever negatives you may have, created that miracle and you likely both have something positive to offer her. See if you can't put her above your hatred for each other. Unless you think he will endanger or neglect her, I suggest you consider writing a letter to your ex. Say something like: while I think we have reached a point of realizing we weren't good together and it's unlikely we will ever be friends, I realize the one thing we did right was (daughter's name). I think we both have something positive to offer her and I'd like to not make her part of this battle. I think that's in her best interest. I'm willing to work thru our lawyers to try to reach a mutually agreeable compromise on her custody.

Take the letter to your attorney and ask him/her for their advice on going forward. If it does get send, nest to have your lawyer gives it to his.

If he's the shit you say he is, this is about "winning" for him and making you suffer. He's trying to push you over the edge so others can see it "wasn't his fault". Right now, for him, this is about winning and that is his motivation. If you want him to not reach that goal, you need to hop off the crazy train and take those divorce blinders off.

Once the divorce is done and he realizes the responsibilities of being a single parent, he's going to back off his involvement. He's going to ask you to keep her for some of his time. When he does, say "I have no problem with that but we just need to update the custody agreement to reflect the change. I'm willing to revert back to the original whenever you are ready.

Good luck. I know what you are going thru is not fun.