Dueling Grandparents
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Anonymous
OP here, thank you. This is very well put. I'm so glad my daughter has some many people that love her ... But it's become so stressful trying to make everybody happy. I mean, the fact that my first instinct was to not tell either set of grandparents about this event because I knew how it would go. Now my mom is barely speaking to me because my in laws will be there (likely not even at the same time!!!!) I'm not sure what she expects me to do ... Not include them? She's just as much their granddaughter as she is my parents'. It's just frustrating to me because her behavior makes it seem like she's more concerned with keeping score than actually spending time with my DD. otherwise, why would she care if they came? Particularly if she doesn't see them? |
Anonymous
| Same issue. I wish our sisters would just get their sh!t together and have some grandchildren so that it's not all on us. There is so much whining and complaining on both sides about time with our daughter. They both decided we needed to do two Christmases and two Thanksgivings so they could both have her on that day, which makes our lives so much harder. Ridiculous. |
Anonymous
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We had the same problem - but with divorced parents. My mom and dad couldn't be in the same room together, but both wanted time with their grandson. It was so hard juggling the different schedules (and time-slots. like you OP, my parents wanted time slots for events - birthdays she comes 12-2, he comes 2-4, grandparents day same thing ugh).
we finally decided to just say "event is scheduled from 12-2. We are inviting both of you. We'd love to see you, but you decide if you want to come or not." It worked. Several years later, they both show up, give a cursory nod hello to each other and both enjoy spending time with our kids. |
Anonymous
It won't matter. The first ones have a special bond that not granted upon the fourths and fifths. They will always be the first to do things. As the grandparents age they tend to like the more mature ones and wont tolerate the younger ones, so the focus will still be there. The 10 and 11ths will get absolutely no attention, from their grandparents or from their aunts and uncles with older children. You will intend to, but just wont happen, because "you are just in a different place now". I have seen this over and over and over. |
Anonymous
| +1000 |
Anonymous
OP, I hope you realize how utterly immature your mom is acting. Please distance yourself from this behavior. It's neither your fault NOR is it your job to manage it. So she is choosing not to speak to her own daughter? Fine. No problem. Go about your business and do not give any attention to this. Don't engage and don't manage. You can give the time for the daycare event and let the adults make their choices. |
Anonymous
Yes to this. It is not your job to manage her feelings. Make choices that YOU KNOW are fair and reasonable (even if it's not 50/50!) to each set. Beyond that, do not engage. She may fume and be mad. That is not your problem. The more time she spends being mad, the less time she is spending enjoying her granddaughter. That's sad, but oh well. We also stopped telling my MIL when we saw my mom, because she was fiercely jealous. So we don't lie, but we do omit it if we can. That helps I think. |
Anonymous
No offense, but at this point this is a you problem, not a them problem. They decided you need to do two holidays? You are a grown up, with a child - act like it. Use your words, like we'd expect any child to do, and tell them no. We're not doing two holidays, we're not entertaining any more whining and complaining, we will do what is best for our nuclear family, and that's the end of the discussion. And stop expecting your sisters to solve your problems - the notion that if you don't have kids you don't have your shit together is offensive. Basically, you suck all the way around. |
Anonymous
Eh it just depends. My mom has 8 grandchildren. My kids are #6 and #8. She adores them just like the older ones. Of course they might not benefit from the exact same things as the older ones, since my mom is getting older. But they will benefit from her love. And that's what matters most to me. |
Anonymous
OP here, yes I do realize. It's just really frustrating. The problem with her (always has been) that if I really, truly put my foot down, it erupts into screaming hysteria about what a terrible person I am. If I told her "Grandparents day is X day from X time - X time, we've invited both you and DH's parents, come and go as you please" She would immediately go into "well what if we are all there at the same time" and "we need our own time with her" and the usual BS. Then if I tell her "too bad, I cannot and will not schedule you guys, come or don't come" then WWIII will begin and dealing with the hysteria is worse. |
Anonymous
+1. I was a middle grandchild and was loved as much as the older ones. I'd say that grandchildren #10 and #11 were the absolute favorites though. They had loads of sleepovers and by the time they came, my grandparents were missing babies. |
Anonymous
That's what she wants. She wants you to be so scared of the hysteria you bend over backwards to let her get her way. Let her run through all the "bad scenarios". Stay clam, stay upbeat. "Mom, I understand you like your own time with Larla. Why don't you come over for breakfast on Sunday? Grandparents day at school is not the time to draw battle lines. Did you see the news about the hurricane in FL? How are Marsha and Bill?" |
Anonymous
Are you planning on taking this parenting approach with your daughter? She has a temper tantrum, and you give in because it's too hard to deal with? If so, good luck with that. If not, now is a terrific time to start growing a spine. The hysteria starts? Say, "Mom, I'll talk to you when you calm down" and hang up. She tells you that you are a terrible person? Say, "Mom, that's totally uncalled for, and very hurtful, I'll talk to you later" and hang up. If she calls and starts ranting, hang up and screen her calls. You're an adult - demand that she treat you like one. She's an adult - demand that she act like one. |
Anonymous
I posted upthread about dealing with this with my mother. Go ahead and launch WWIII. Our mothers are crazy. They are not rational. We can't persuade them. So we should stop asking for their approval. I only have one life to live and I'm not going to spend it agonizing over which crazy person I offended. |
Anonymous
This is spot on. You communicate your plans and let them react. You can't control them. My parents did this to us for every Holiday: 2 Thanksgivings, 2 Christmases. Having to eat two massive meals (and we couldn't not b/c Grandmas went to a lot of trouble to make huge family meals). It was exhausting. Don't do this to your kids. And don't enable your parents. |