Dueling Grandparents
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Anonymous
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I have a 2 year old daughter. My ILs live a couple hours away, my parents are in town. Both comment often that the other set of grandparents see her more than they do. Honestly, they all see her fairly equally. We both work full times, so weekends are precious. We saw my ILs this weekend and it had been 6 weeks prior to that. We'd seen my parents 3x in that same span and have plans with them this weekend.
Our daycare has a grandparents day event Friday morning. We invited both sets of grandparents. I was kind of surprised my ILs wanted to drive up for it, but hey, they're retired and if they want to, great! My parents work part time and both are planning to come. My mom was super excited for this ... Until she heard my ILs were coming. She is requesting I schedule them at different times so my parents get their own time with my DD since "my ILs see her so much more". Ugh.... This is a come and go thing over the course of several hours. There is no scheduling. She's just being a pain in the ass. My mom is way worse about this shit than my ILs. I just want to tell my mom to get over herself and be happy that my DD has two sets of grandparents that both love her so much. I toyed with not inviting anyone because I knew how this would go ... How do I shut this down? I'm so over it. |
Anonymous
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The good news is your DD is loved. I wish I had dueling grandparents but, my ILs could take my kids or leave them. My mom is better but, she lives her own life. I think as your DD gets older this might change. Just tell your mom that she does not own your DD. In fact, without the Dad and his parents there would be no DD. You could make a joke and say I thought you learned how to share in kindergarden!
Good luck! |
Anonymous
Honestly, you have a conversation with your mom where you say the bolded above. And you tell your parents that you guys are busy and not willing to spend every minute of free time with grandparents so they are going to have to learn to get along and enjoy DD together. And then you say, if you make me feel bad about this, or you continue with the bean counting, you will have less time with DD because I'll lose my mind! |
Anonymous
| "We will be at the grandparent event from 5-7. I don't know what time Rick and Marsha will be attending. Dolphin and Nevaeh would love to see you if you decide to attend." |
Anonymous
| No advice. Just empathy. Mine are the same way, with my mom being the worst offender. We live far away from them all, and they're all local to each other though, so when we visit it's hellish. My parents visit us the most. They actually told me once that when we visit, we should spend more time with them because they're the only ones who care enough to visit us. Of course my MIL has a different take and thinks we should visit her more because my parents are always visiting us. We rarely visit anymore. |
Anonymous
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You make sure to spend time with each individually when possible, but firmly and kindly explain to your mom that for some functions, it us share or nothing.
You can also tell your mom that while shame may feel that way, the time spent with each is pretty equal (if this is true). |
Anonymous
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"STOP IT, Mom. I already told you the other set of grandparents get the same amount of time with Larla. I don't want to hear about this anymore." And if she doesn't get the picture, she doesn't get time with Larla. Easy. My mother had the indecency to complain when we decided to stay at my MIL's after a couple of years of staying at my mother's house. It's very typical of the sort of person she is: completely self-centered. After that we made a point of staying at my MIL's house more often, and my mother stopped complaining. |
Anonymous
| As a new grandparent myself-and the out of town one!-I wish I could say that I am immune from feeling jealous of the time my DD's MIL spends with them but I go out of my way to say to all about how lucky my DD/SIL/and grandbaby are to have family in-town-and I really try and mean it!!! They are I know but it doesn't mean that it doesn't wear on me. The other grandmother is retired and lives 20 minutes away and takes the baby out of day care early at least once a week and they have meals together pretty often on the weekends. I am jealous of that easy, natural time together. I am 3 hrs away, still working and still have one kid at home in school so no way can I be there more than 1-2 times a month. I have to say I am shocked at how much it pains me to not be the day to day grandmother and resigning myself to being the special occasion one has not been easy for me. If you can have a heart to heart with your mom - and your DH with his - acknowledging that there are resentments building that have no rational basis but that kind of defines the overwhelming love grandbabies bring out in us. But say and know that your baby IS lucky to have been welcomed with love and not the indifference some are finding. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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We have two sets of out of town grandparents. My mom was totally keeping track of how many times everybody saw each other (and it was fairly equal). Ours was the eldest grandchild for her, but not my in laws and she was quite anxious about not being local. She lost her mind one time and threw a grown up temper tantrum when we were trying to make plans to visit both sets on the same trip (they don't live close to each other, but one was going to be in the area). I put my foot down and said she was being offensive to my husband and that if she wanted to see any of us she better knock it off and apologize to him.
In the intervening 5 years, she's collected 6 more grandchildren and mellowed considerably. |
Anonymous
| We have both in town and there is constant fighting about one getting more time than the other. In reality one sets sees them more frequently but for less minutes at a time while the other gets fewer days but larger chunks of time. If all minutes in a month were added together it would be about the same but the fighting still happens. |
Anonymous
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My husband's dad once assured me that he doesn't let my parents know how often he gets to see his grandson, as he didn't want to hurt their feelings. In reality, my parents saw ds way more often than fil.
Definitely talk to your mom, Op. |
Anonymous
| How blessed you are. |
Anonymous
| Each of you talk with your own parents: We're tired of hearing this complaining and assuming about who gets more time with Larla. You both get similar amounts of time, and yet you both complain about it. Please stop. You're making our lives harder, not easier, and making visits with you more stressful and less enjoyable. Please just enjoy the time we *do* have together. |
Anonymous
+ 1000 |