Working parents of 2 or more, when do you find time for sleep/rest/recovery and yourself?
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Anonymous
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Thank you so much to everyone. I have been reading all the horror stories so hearing from all of you is encouraging. The AWS is hard to give up because the culture at my work is that everyone is there until 6 or so... My son is going to be 2.5 in six weeks. My commute is a dream right now--a 25 minute walk, however, DH insists we move someplace with a yard if we have another (we're renting a two bedroom condo right now). That would probably mean only a slightly longer commute (35-40 min?) but I would lose the built-in exercise walking provides.
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Anonymous
| Honestly? You might consider dropping your AWS so that you can have shorter days, which will allow you to spend more time with the kids in the evening. You may also consider starting and ending an hour earlier. I get in at 8:00 and leave at 4:00, which allows us time to make a quick dinner and play a little in the evenings. My baby goes to sleep at 7:00-7:30 and my older child goes to sleep at 8:00. We get "me time" in the evenings and on the occasional day off to run errands. Right now, both kids nap at the same time, so that also gives me some time to run errands or get something done in the house. Not going to lie, it is TOUGH. I was lucky enough to have a three year age gap, which has been really good because my older child is a little more self sufficient than a two year old will be. Once the baby is two or three, I anticipate we will feel a lot better about things. |
Anonymous
| I guess the question is how much time are you looking for? I get an hour between kids bedtime and mine and maybe an hour or two on weekends. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'm in the same boat as you (considering #2 and concerned about the balance), so no BTDT advice, but here's what I've been thinking about.
First, consistent sleep is key. Our first has STTN reliably, even when sick, teething, etc., since 6 months. This means we are well rested and have a few hours every evening. We will prioritize getting the second onto a sleep schedule as early as feasible. For us that means sleep training FTW. Second, you have to have a partner who is an equal, competent parent. Mine plays basketball twice a week now. When we have two and I have to juggle two kids in the evening, then he can skip basketball or be responsible for clean up or next day prep once he gets home. Whatever it is, I'm not responsible for holding down the fort while he gets his free time and leisure activities. He also needs to be able to handle both kids competently (he's great with our one now, so no real concerns there), so I can feel comfortable taking an afternoon off on the weekend or whatever. Lastly, I outsource or streamline as much "daily duty" stuff as possible. We have EVERY bill on autopay, I pack a few days worth of lunches at a time, we eat a lot of leftovers and quick meals, and we have biweekly cleaners now and it's made life much easier. We do laundry, clean the kitchen, and do surface level bathroom cleaning, but everything else is done by the cleaners. Yes the floors are dusty by the end of the second week, but I've let that go and it's nice to mentally unburden myself from that duty. I do struggle with being okay with spending time away from my LO. I don't feel mom guilt, I just genuinely miss her because with work schedules and her bedtime, I just don't feel like I get enough time with her. She's also pretty easy and pleasant for a toddler, so our time is mostly fun and not too stressful. Maybe once we have two I'll be more stressed and happy for a break. |
Anonymous
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I have a 3yo and a 5 month old and went back to work about a month ago. I also have a 90-minute commute. My kids are in daycare. I'm also still pumping for the baby and she's not sleeping through the night. It has been tough and exhausting. Free time is minimal. I pump at night after the kids are asleep and that is the only 30 minutes of my day (during the week at least) when I can sit down and switch off, watch a show or whatever. The rest of my time at home is spent tending to the kids, cleaning up after dinner, washing bottles, cooking ahead for the next day, prepping lunch for daycare, etc. My husband and I have not gone out as a couple since the baby was born.
I'm hoping if you fast-forward 6 months or so the situation will have improved considerably. |
Anonymous
| Yes, I agree good sleep is the key to everything! Unfortunately my travel is non negotiable and if I give up the AWS I think I'll just end up working longer hours overall anyway due to my work culture. We already outsource a lot and are not neat freaks... Basically everything people say you stop paying attention to with #2 we are already lax on. The one area we could do much better is planning and organization... I am also having trouble believing that two is eventially/possibly easier logistically than one but hearing about older siblings playing together is really reassuring. |
Anonymous
| ^^I'm the OP |
Anonymous
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I have 2, 4 years apart. That first year, no joke, I was dead on my feet. The really hard part was that DH's schedule at the time was really awful and so i was doing virtually all evenings / bedtimes by myself.
I semiregularly take mental health days to enjoy a completely quiet house, take a quiet walk, eat without the kids  read and watch crap tv. I need to do it more often, actually. Just one full day every other month or so.
I prioritze sleep over nearly everything else. My Tv watching is so minimal it's not funny. My house is cleanish but i wouldn't call it neat. "Me time" occurred at the gym (at 5am bc DH did dropoffs) and after bedtimes. Very minimal. It wasn't too bad with a newborn... then DC2 became mobile and it was awful... then as he's gotten older it's easier and easier. They are 2 and 6 now and will play together happily and occasionally not even notice that we've left the room. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, I'd just prepare for the worst and you'll surely be pleasantly surprised if you end up having more children. We have three (including twins) and both work. It is truly nuts and exhausting, but I am immensely grateful for each day with them. If you think too much about it, I can't imagine it would make logical sense for anyone to have more than one, but really - the bright bursts of joy in the midst of the chaotic younger years ensures that we all keep keeping on. |
Anonymous
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(1) nap time - going to be sad when that's over
(2) post-kid bedtime - they go down between 7:30 and 7:45 every single night in their own rooms (3) date night or short weekend away - we need to be better about planning these more often (4) we take turns with the kids at some point on the weekends so one of us gets a break - for me that's often a pedicure and/or massage, for my husband it's going out for golf Also, I'm changing my job to have a shorter commute because I currently leave my house at 6 am and it sucks. That will put us all on the same schedule so it'll make things so much easier. I'm not downplaying the need for space, OP, but I would be cautious about increasing your commute a lot because it really can have a hugely negative impact on your life. Bottom line, I love having two kids - they play together and love each other and it's awesome. |
Anonymous
OP, I hear you on not wanting to give up AWS. After I came back from maternity leave I did 6:30-3 because I wanted to lessen my commute and I figured it would give me so much time with the babies in the afternoon, but I NEVER got out of there at 3 because everyone else was more 9-5:30 or 10-6:30, and it was just impossible to leave that early. I ended up leaving that job for different reasons after several months, but I can appreciate not wanting to give up your AWS because you likely will end up working longer days. I would love to have an AWS day now, but my work doesn't do it (not government now), so I wouldn't give that up if I were you. |
Anonymous
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OP,
We were in your situation 16ish years ago. We decided to have #2. It was the best decision we ever made. By the time our kids were 3 and 1, they could play together and we got almost as much alone time as we wanted. Sure we couldn't do things together whenever we wanted but it went from a scheduled routine of who was on duty to both of us wanting to be on duty because it was easier than anything else we had to do. I have been told on numerous occasions that not all siblings are like our kids. But generally, when I start questioning the complainer, they come around to the idea that two are easier than one. Just think of it as even if they fight for 10 min every hour, you get the other 50 min off. The other important thing I want to make clear is that no matter how busy this recent period or the first year of your 2nd child's life are, YOU WILL MISS THOSE DAYS when they are over. |
Anonymous
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Having another will mean another 2-3 years of a very similar life to what you have now but then it gets much better. The kids play together and are more independent and you will have more time.
I agree the AWS might not be worth it as it makes for long days. We do early bedtimes (7:00 - 7:30). Gives the adults more time and the kids more sleep. |
Anonymous
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I'm a PP who dropped my AWS. Instead of that, I work from home once a week. Is this an option for you?
It really lessens the load, and allows me to bring DS to daycare, and pick him up (early if I want) |
Anonymous
OP here. This sounds good, that's what I get now and I'm happy. The earlier bedtime is definitely something to consider too. As for nap time being over - please tell me it never ends!! Those of you with long commutes or more than 2 kids, I am truly in awe of your energy and organization. I have a coworker who not only has 3 kids but is also a very well loved manager and high performer at work; I have absolutely no idea how she does it all... |