Working parents of 2 or more, when do you find time for sleep/rest/recovery and yourself?

[Anonymous]

We're considering #2 but don't have any family around and are both unsure about our ability to be good parents to both kids, given work demands, etc. I work 9-6 with AWS (every other Friday), plus 20 days' annual leave, liberal sick leave (which I very rarely take, but it's there if needed) and all federal holidays. My husband has a flexible but busy schedule (this means he can do drop offs and pick ups when necessary or cover if I'm traveling for work, which I do about once a quarter for 1-2 weeks). Right now, we each get a couple of hours to ourselves on the weekends and 30 minutes every other bedtime. We try to go on a date once a month (often a nice lunch during the Fridays I can take off). I am not sure what I would do without that time.

If we have another, I am having trouble imagining a schedule that allows each of us some downtime, while also giving our kids enough mom and dad time.
After particularly stressful weeks (e.g. if someone or all of us get sick), we also need extra hours to catch up on sleep and recuperate.

If you have two kids or more, how do you schedule the week so you have some time to regain energy and sanity? And when does it get better (e.g. when can the kids play by themselves in their room without supervision for an hour or two - that would really be all I need a couple of times a week).

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Our kids are two and four. They are asleep by 7:30, and that's when DH and I eat, do chores, and hang out. It really isn't any more any more work at this point than one kid would be.

It got easy when the younger one STTN reliably so the evenings were ours again.

[Anonymous]

Most parents don't have a ton of down time when their children are small, it's just a fact.

I think that because we have two kids we have more downtime now that they're older, while that might not have been the case if we had stopped at one. My kids play together all the time and I am not nearly as hands on as I had to be when they were younger. I read books on the weekends while my kids play in the backyard. It's lovely! I imagine that a singleton might need more attention or parent time because there isn't a built in playmate? This won't always be the case, of course, kids and parents are all different, this is just what I experience and assume.

[Anonymous]

I use the evenings. I get home first, bathe/feed the kids, get them in PJs, and when DH gets home around 7:15 I escape for bedtime. I usually go for a bike ride or meet friends or grocery shop (not true R&R but I really enjoy shopping solo)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most parents don't have a ton of down time when their children are small, it's just a fact.


This. we have a 1, 3, and 5 year old. My "downtime" is from 8:30-9:30 after the kids are in bed, the dishes have been washed, and lunches have been made for the next day. I definitely do not get enough sleep right now as I get up early to workout. My only other downtime is when I take a random day off while the kids are all in school. Of course DH and I still make sure to aim for 2 date nights per month, which start after kids go to bed (but which further cut into sleep). We also take a two day, adults only vacation each year when kids are in school and grandparents and babysitters are available to care for them.

[Anonymous]

We have 2 kids and I feel like for the most part we have a good amount of free time.

I also work an AWS and use my Fridays off to get errands done and have some alone time for myself. This leaves the weekend for just family time. We get a weekend evening sitter usually once/week. The kids love having a sitter and we get much-needed couple time.

Also, my husband and I each go out with friends on our own for book club, poker night, etc. Maybe not weekly but a couple times/month.

My kids are 9 and 6. It definitely gets easier when they are old enough to play on their own and to go to friends houses. We often swap kids with other families on the weekends if we need to run errands or just relax in a quiet house!

Bottom line-- it can be done but you have to be OK with paying for sitters and spending waking hours away from your kids without feeling guilty about it. Some people can't seem to do that but we do, and I think it makes us happier people and therefore better parents than we would be otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're considering #2 but don't have any family around and are both unsure about our ability to be good parents to both kids, given work demands, etc. I work 9-6 with AWS (every other Friday), plus 20 days' annual leave, liberal sick leave (which I very rarely take, but it's there if needed) and all federal holidays. My husband has a flexible but busy schedule (this means he can do drop offs and pick ups when necessary or cover if I'm traveling for work, which I do about once a quarter for 1-2 weeks). Right now, we each get a couple of hours to ourselves on the weekends and 30 minutes every other bedtime. We try to go on a date once a month (often a nice lunch during the Fridays I can take off). I am not sure what I would do without that time.

If we have another, I am having trouble imagining a schedule that allows each of us some downtime, while also giving our kids enough mom and dad time.
After particularly stressful weeks (e.g. if someone or all of us get sick), we also need extra hours to catch up on sleep and recuperate.

If you have two kids or more, how do you schedule the week so you have some time to regain energy and sanity? And when does it get better (e.g. when can the kids play by themselves in their room without supervision for an hour or two - that would really be all I need a couple of times a week).

Thanks!

I ended up dropping my AWS because I felt my days were too long. I would just limp into that Friday. And, I didn't even use the AWS for what I wanted - time with DS. I would STILL take him to daycare and just try to catch up on sleep. I didn't use the day for ANYTHING useful. Anyway, having a shorter 8 hour day, I'm able to pick up DS from daycare by 5 (often times before) and have almost 3 hours with him before he goes to sleep.

Something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids are two and four. They are asleep by 7:30, and that's when DH and I eat, do chores, and hang out. It really isn't any more any more work at this point than one kid would be.

It got easy when the younger one STTN reliably so the evenings were ours again.

We are in the same boat, except ours don't go down until 8:30 given that it is after 6 before we even get home and then have to do dinner, bath, bed.

Then at 8:30 we start to clean, make lunches, maybe make dinner for the next night, bills, etc. By 9:30 or 10 we cry ourselves to sleep only to start again tomorrow.

I kid slightly, but only slightly. There is virtually no us time (or even me time) and we don't even get that much time with the kids that isn't frantic trying to fit stuff in. Living the dream!!

[Anonymous]

Age 4, that's when you get reliable downtime if you need it, for us. My youngest is 3 and even if we put the tv on he's only interested for a limited time, and he's just 3, so needs someone nearby who has an ear out for safety problems. With my older ones, they started to be able to be solo with us elsewhere in the house at 4.

[Anonymous]

Rest and recovery? Once both kids were sleeping through the night we got plenty of rest. We got out every Friday night.

[Anonymous]

We strictly enforce bedtime by 8-8:30, and kids generally sleep until 7:00. That to me is the key. On the weekends, I often don't get downtime, but as my kids have gotten a little older (they are 5 and 2), they require less hands-on attention than they used to so it doesn't feel like I'm as constantly "on." I can read the paper on the porch while they play in the yard, for example. They also play together a decent amount, mostly without fighting. My older has also started going over to friends' houses in the neighborhood, or drop-off playdates. That makes a big difference. Two is a lot of fun!

[Anonymous]

Traveling for 1-2 weeks a quarter would be tough! My husband travels 6-8 weeks per year and it's hard. When he gets back I want to catch up with friends and go to the gym and he wants to have a lot of quality family time, which I'm burned out on. Kids are 8 and 10 and I still don't think we have a perfect me-him-couple-family-work-balance.

[Anonymous]

I'm due with our 3rd, and I'll echo what many others have said. The early bedtime is key. My other two are almost 5 and 3.5, and they are in their beds by 7:30. They can play or talk or sing or read to themselves or whatever, but they May. Not. Exit. Their Rooms. They've had this bedtime since they were super small, and it is a sanity saver. Same goes for nap times on the weekends. Both have dropped their nap, and I've just given in and let them watch a movie on the weekends for 1.5 hours when they used to be asleep. I need the quiet more than I need them to be stimulated by something other than the TV. I think you just build it into your routine.

[Anonymous]

What's your commute like, OP? We make it work because I switched jobs to give me a walkable commute. DH goes into work early and comes home mid afternoon. So we're all home by 5:30, and we can swap evenings for working out, meeting friends, etc. DH often exercises before picking up the kids. I'd say we typically have two weeknights where one of us doesn't make bedtime, but it's worth it for staying sane. Agree with PP who said you have to be ok spending a few more waking hours away from your kid. It's worth it (for me) to have the me time.

As far as sleep goes, I just prioritize sleep over watching TV or anything else mindless I'd be doing. Kids are down by 8, and I make a concerted effort to be in bed by 10:30.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child? My kids are 22 months apart and the first year after having my second was really hard. DC1 was too young to be independent and DC2 was colicky and a terrible sleeper. If your DC1 is older (3+), I think the first year may not be so hard. Things got more manageable after DC2 was 12 months old and also sleeping through the night. They're 3 and 5 now and play together a lot, which is really nice, but it doesn't buy me 2-hour stretches of time (thete are lots of interruptions). My DH and I get downtime after they go to bed (both lights out by 8 pm). It's easier for 1 parent to handle 2 kids now that they're older, so we work out weeknights or weekend time for that. But we're always juggling. While I agree that 2 kids can be easier b/c they entertain each other, that doesn't translate to lots more down time. I think the reality is that you have less time for yourself the more kids you have (you'll also want to carve out one-on-one time with each kid). And it will vary by individual whether that's enough down time. (And each kid will be different, no way to know whether #2 will require more from you).