Disappointment in Marriage

[Anonymous]

I found out that I was really immature about relationships when I got engaged, and even married. I had to work at it. It was embarrassing and painful and I read a lot of books about how to be a supportive wife and some of them felt very anti-feminist. But I applied the things that made sense, and I learned to ask for what I wanted and model it. I got him to talk to me about how he viewed our marriage and we talked about what we had to do to make it be that.

Now, two kids later, we both still put in a lot of work. but it doesn't feel like effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out that I was really immature about relationships when I got engaged, and even married. I had to work at it. It was embarrassing and painful and I read a lot of books about how to be a supportive wife and some of them felt very anti-feminist. But I applied the things that made sense, and I learned to ask for what I wanted and model it. I got him to talk to me about how he viewed our marriage and we talked about what we had to do to make it be that.

Now, two kids later, we both still put in a lot of work. but it doesn't feel like effort.

Np. this is great advice. Would love to know What books were helpful? OP: Time to grow out of the fairy tales and make your relationship what you want it to be!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is overrated. I'm married 25 years and filing for divorce next month.

When women get old man will seek a younger mate. Women age like milk.

LOl I'm the poster and female. I have aged much better than my husband and look forward to not sneaking around to be with my AP.

This is SUCH junk. I am definitely aging better than my DH.

Same here! Mid-40's and wish my DH was aging as well as me.

[Anonymous]

I got married in my early twenties. Definitely was a little immature and had unrealistic expectations of my marriage. It took me a few years, but I realized that I was expecting DH to make me happy, provide me with a satisfying life, and to always have new, interesting adventures.

I've learned that I need to take charge of doing the things that make me happy and make my life satisfying. And also, being an adult is kind of boring. There are bills and housework and diapers and stress... I used to think I wanted to travel the world, 3 kids later, I just daydream about having a vacation in my house wearing comfy pajamas with takeout food and no kids for a few days.

Give your marriage some time. Think about what things you want in your life, and how you can do them yourself. Maybe DH doesn't want to take a job posting abroad, but would be up for a trip to Paris sometime. Or maybe not, and you can plan an adventure with a girlfriend.

Oh, and try to think about all the things you do appreciate about him. Remember his positive qualities, and try to appreciate the things he does bring to your life rather than just wishing he brought more.

[Anonymous]

I dunno. Easy to blame 'marriage'. Maybe the institution of 'life' is to blame?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was there something different about the situation or your spouse when you made the decision to get married?

I just thought I saw qualities that it turned out weren't really there or were misrepresented.

OP, I had this marriage. I left. If you don't have kids, leave before you do. XH misrepresented himself, didn't validate my feelings, etc. Look for signs of passive aggressiveness.

I want to be cherished. It is taking me a long time to figure out how to find a man who will treat me well. We will see, but I am seeing so many red flags I didn't before. I may never move in or get married again. But I am done chasing jerks or feeling sorry for myself.

[Anonymous]

You obviously had a connection since you married this guy. You need to claim responsibility for your own happiness. Nobody else can make you happy. He can't do that, and you both sound boring. Stop being a princess and be an adult who does things, even for a walk, movies, just stop being so pathetic.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you do not respect, admire, or even like your husband. If this is the case, I suggest you explore getting out of your marriage before you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is overrated. I'm married 25 years and filing for divorce next month.

I agree. Get out now. Two years ypu should still be madly in love.

[Anonymous]

who said you HAVE to be married or stay married? if you dont want to be married anymore to him, don't be. It is your life, and you only have one and you need to make choices in life that will make you happy, with or without a partner. Don't get stuck, you'll regret it. and don't get fooled by the puritanical koolaid of suffering and trying to make it work, as if there is some grand old prize at the end. if you don't want to be with the person, then what is binding you is a social construct.

[Anonymous]

Remember the reasons that you love him and give it a try. You can try to suggest things to do to make your marriage more exciting. Plan the adventures that you want to go on. Don't give up!!

[Anonymous]

How's the sex?

[Anonymous]

I think you should see a therapist. I can't tell if the marriage was a mistake and you weren't well matched, or if your expectations are unrealistic and immature.

Nora Ephron was married three times, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not that I don't like him...I am just SO bored with our daily routine. When we were dating he had an interesting job which lead him to travel around the world. I took that to mean he was bold and adventurous. Now I learn he hated that and wants to live in the U.S. and will not even consider a posting abroad for a short time period. etc etc. He also graduated from an Ivy League which I thought meant he would pursue lucrative career options but turns out he was just a good student but doesn't care much for "material things" as he calls them.

So your greedy ambitions are being frustrated. Poor you. Guess you better hurry up and find some DC striver type to latch onto while there is still time.

And what do you bring to the table besides your bodily orifices? If he had money, why should he spend it on you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its not that I don't like him...I am just SO bored with our daily routine. When we were dating he had an interesting job which lead him to travel around the world. I took that to mean he was bold and adventurous. Now I learn he hated that and wants to live in the U.S. and will not even consider a posting abroad for a short time period. etc etc. He also graduated from an Ivy League which I thought meant he would pursue lucrative career options but turns out he was just a good student but doesn't care much for "material things" as he calls them.

So your greedy ambitions are being frustrated. Poor you. Guess you better hurry up and find some DC striver type to latch onto while there is still time.

And what do you bring to the table besides your bodily orifices? If he had money, why should he spend it on you?

LOL. Now that is very funny, my anonymous friend. Very funny.