DS (7) swatted my hand at therapy- how do I discipline?

[Anonymous]

Dunno why people are being jerks OP. I would have felt the same. Sounds like everyone was tired/stressed. I'd let it go and maybe just follow up with a conversation about how to express frustration tomorrow in the car or something. Honestly we still do that as adults! Not swat hands but who hasn't snapped st their DH or kids after a really stressful day and had to apologize. This is a normal part of life, making mistakes and learning the lesson that we can't to take our stress out on other people. Just use that as a teachable moment. also he's seven, not 15. Sounds like he just regressed a bit when tired.

[Anonymous]

I would have said something in the moment. Let it go now.

[Anonymous]

To the PP who said overreacting to something can create a dynamic where one-time thing can become a routine behavior...can you elaborate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found things were better when I decided to be a SAHM, my kid has anxiety too.
It's stressful to attend these camps and be herded around like cattle.

OP here. I never said I was a working parent, did I?

To the others: the therapist didn't saying anything. She just stood there and I felt judged by her and the others waiting too. Now I realize she probably wasn't judging but I felt like it.

OFFS! Just ask her what you should do if it happens again.

And get an antidepressant and therapy for yourself. You felt "judged" sounds so ridiculous.

Really? If you have a child with problems and any self-awareness at all, you know you're being constantly judged. So, yes, you think about it even when you aren't getting the stares and whispers. Of course we shouldn't let that affect us, but it's pretty natural when it does.

OP, I'm sorry camp didn't go well for them. I hope it's improved for everyone. I've found a good camp with a lot of physical activity really helps everyone's mood and behavior. Are you able to change camps if it's not a good fit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who said overreacting to something can create a dynamic where one-time thing can become a routine behavior...can you elaborate?

Even a negative reaction is reinforcing for some people. I think it depends on the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP who said overreacting to something can create a dynamic where one-time thing can become a routine behavior...can you elaborate?

Even a negative reaction is reinforcing for some people. I think it depends on the kid.

Forgot to say ... I'm a NP... not PP.

[Anonymous]

Not following what you mean by reinforcing...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not following what you mean by reinforcing...

NP here. Some kids (many kids?) repeat actions that get them attention, but they don't always distinguish between positive and negative attention. So a big reaction from mom (even if it's a negative reaction) will encourage (not deliberately, of course) the kid to repeat that action. That's why the best advice is to ignore bad behavior (whenever possible, clearly you don't ignore dangerous behavior) and lavish attention on the behavior you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not following what you mean by reinforcing...

NP here. Some kids (many kids?) repeat actions that get them attention, but they don't always distinguish between positive and negative attention. So a big reaction from mom (even if it's a negative reaction) will encourage (not deliberately, of course) the kid to repeat that action. That's why the best advice is to ignore bad behavior (whenever possible, clearly you don't ignore dangerous behavior) and lavish attention on the behavior you want.

So how do you define hitting by a child old enough to know better? Does it warrant being ignored? Doesn't ignoring it teach the child they can get away with it?

[Anonymous]

Shouldn't you have asked the therapist?

If you feel judged by her, perhaps get a different one. That's not how you should feel in a therapy situation and I do think she should have intervened or said something

[Anonymous]

Do you or his other parent hit him?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

I did actually address it when it happened; I told him that hitting is unacceptable (but he already knows this- he's 7, not 2). What I ended up doing was asking that he write an apology note, which he did. We discussed that I understood that he was upset, but that hitting is not the answer.

It didn't occur to me to ask the therapist what to do, but maybe I should have. I felt like it's a parenting issue, not a counseling issue. Her job is to help him deal with the anxiety and anger so that he doesn't get to the point of hitting and my job is to deal with the consequences/aftermath if he does. Maybe I'm wrong in this belief.

I felt judged because I was embarrassed that there'd been a buildup of his refusal to go in alone. This isn't a pediatric practice, so there were adults waiting too. I realize that by the very act of being in counseling, everyone there has a some sort of issue and that I was being irrational, but at the moment, I was embarrassed.

And to 9:20, no, neither my husband nor I hit/spank/swat/slap/physically discipline our children, and in return, we don't expect our children to do so to us either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not following what you mean by reinforcing...

NP here. Some kids (many kids?) repeat actions that get them attention, but they don't always distinguish between positive and negative attention. So a big reaction from mom (even if it's a negative reaction) will encourage (not deliberately, of course) the kid to repeat that action. That's why the best advice is to ignore bad behavior (whenever possible, clearly you don't ignore dangerous behavior) and lavish attention on the behavior you want.

So how do you define hitting by a child old enough to know better? Does it warrant being ignored? Doesn't ignoring it teach the child they can get away with it?

I would not define this behavior as dangerous. It didn't injure anyone and likely didn't even hurt; I would ignore it. Kids *want* to engage in behavior that pleases the adults in their lives (if they have the tools to do so), so I would lavish the praise (and perhaps actual prizes, if child needs additional motivation) when child handles frustration using words only and/or goes into therapist's office with appropriate behavior. Depending on the verbal and cognitive abilities of the child, I would discuss that plan (and the reward/incentive scheme) with child ahead of time. Teach a child what to do, not what not to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I did actually address it when it happened; I told him that hitting is unacceptable (but he already knows this- he's 7, not 2). What I ended up doing was asking that he write an apology note, which he did. We discussed that I understood that he was upset, but that hitting is not the answer.

It didn't occur to me to ask the therapist what to do, but maybe I should have. I felt like it's a parenting issue, not a counseling issue. Her job is to help him deal with the anxiety and anger so that he doesn't get to the point of hitting and my job is to deal with the consequences/aftermath if he does. Maybe I'm wrong in this belief.

I felt judged because I was embarrassed that there'd been a buildup of his refusal to go in alone. This isn't a pediatric practice, so there were adults waiting too. I realize that by the very act of being in counseling, everyone there has a some sort of issue and that I was being irrational, but at the moment, I was embarrassed.

And to 9:20, no, neither my husband nor I hit/spank/swat/slap/physically discipline our children, and in return, we don't expect our children to do so to us either.

OP, a HUGE part of working with child clients is working with their parents. I could see her not volunteering a strategy, because if that is not a regular part of the sessions it might feel like an over step to you, but if you have questions like "What do I do when he acts out because he is stressed" of course you should talk to the therapist about it. I mean, there is only so much the therapist can accomplish if there are not consistent strategies being used at home as well.

Also, it is OK to say to the therapist "I feel embarrassed that he is refusing/hitting." Actually, it's probably a good idea to bring it up. A good therapist will have ideas on how to help your son and how you can help yourself in those moments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I did actually address it when it happened; I told him that hitting is unacceptable (but he already knows this- he's 7, not 2). What I ended up doing was asking that he write an apology note, which he did. We discussed that I understood that he was upset, but that hitting is not the answer.

It didn't occur to me to ask the therapist what to do, but maybe I should have. I felt like it's a parenting issue, not a counseling issue. Her job is to help him deal with the anxiety and anger so that he doesn't get to the point of hitting and my job is to deal with the consequences/aftermath if he does. Maybe I'm wrong in this belief.

I felt judged because I was embarrassed that there'd been a buildup of his refusal to go in alone. This isn't a pediatric practice, so there were adults waiting too. I realize that by the very act of being in counseling, everyone there has a some sort of issue and that I was being irrational, but at the moment, I was embarrassed.

And to 9:20, no, neither my husband nor I hit/spank/swat/slap/physically discipline our children, and in return, we don't expect our children to do so to us either.

OP, a HUGE part of working with child clients is working with their parents. I could see her not volunteering a strategy, because if that is not a regular part of the sessions it might feel like an over step to you, but if you have questions like "What do I do when he acts out because he is stressed" of course you should talk to the therapist about it. I mean, there is only so much the therapist can accomplish if there are not consistent strategies being used at home as well.

Also, it is OK to say to the therapist "I feel embarrassed that he is refusing/hitting." Actually, it's probably a good idea to bring it up. A good therapist will have ideas on how to help your son and how you can help yourself in those moments.

Also, unless this therapist is really new or sees only a narrow range of clients your kid swatting at you is NOTHING to them. Kids break their parents noses and blacken their eyes. Kids smear feces. Kids act out sexually. Therapists help with all that. This question will be easy. Everyone likes easy questions.