Unhappy with my marriage but not sure divorce will be any better

[Anonymous]

You are looking for a reason to stay. Many people stay because they can't afford to leave. Your kids won't leave their father, you are leaving their father. They don't need to see both of you every day.
It's messed up that you think leaving the messed up relationship will mess the kids up. They will be relieved.

[Anonymous]

Living with daily conflict can totally suck your spirit out.

Little by little.
Until you are an empty shell.
If your former self.

Your toxic marriage will only make you bitter about everything.
You will surely have a ton of life regrets on your deathbed.

Look everyone on the planet only gets ONE shot at life.
Just one.

If you decide to waste it then what a travesty to not only yourself, but to your children as well.

Nothing good ever comes easy in life.
And divorce is never easy.
Yet look at the end result:

A life free from negativity, toxicity + misery.

That's an opportunity of (your) lifetime.
Relish it.

And remember that the best is yet to come.....

[Anonymous]

*OF your former self

[Anonymous]

This board is filled with divorce cheerleaders.

Go read a divorce blog to see what life is really like divorced. Headaches you can't imagine until you are there. Which isn't to say divorce isn't the answer, it may be the best of two really bad options.

Many marriages suffer greatly when the kids are little. Mine did. Lack of sleep and lack of sex will erode any marriage. Most of these marriages improve once the youngest hits kindergarden.

What help our marriage was getting away from each other some more, perhaps one would take both kids, the other could relax. More guys and girls nights to recharge (who needs to sit on the couch next to a brooding spouse). Also, going to bed mad, rather than fighting it out while exhausted. The next morning, with some rest, made big arguments look small.

We are in a much better place now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This board is filled with divorce cheerleaders.

Go read a divorce blog to see what life is really like divorced. Headaches you can't imagine until you are there. Which isn't to say divorce isn't the answer, it may be the best of two really bad options.

Many marriages suffer greatly when the kids are little. Mine did. Lack of sleep and lack of sex will erode any marriage. Most of these marriages improve once the youngest hits kindergarden.

What help our marriage was getting away from each other some more, perhaps one would take both kids, the other could relax. More guys and girls nights to recharge (who needs to sit on the couch next to a brooding spouse). Also, going to bed mad, rather than fighting it out while exhausted. The next morning, with some rest, made big arguments look small.

We are in a much better place now.

+1.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced and it was the best thing that happened to me. The atomosphere in the house was so negative and tense until my dad left. You're doing your children no favors by keeping them in a toxic environment.

[Anonymous]

OK, I'll join in.

It sounds like regular exhaustion and boredom, and lack of ability to disengage. I think you can turn this thing around by working on YOU. You can't change your husband, but you can change YOUR response to him. You can do what YOU want (invite him). You can act how you like (You stop fighting). I don't mean don't take his feelings and preferences into account, but be accountable to yourself. You don't need to be part of that dynamic.

Focus on the big stuff, and everything else is fluff. So you say ABC, and he says XYZ. Fine. That doesn't mean you have to engage with that. Or fight about it. Just say OK DH, you think XYZ.

Is he a good father? Focus on that, and disconnect from the rest. Be relentlessly positive. Engage in your own life, and consider him a very close co-parent.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced and it was totally fine. Siblings and I are happy and successful and parents are each remarried to spouses who are much better suited to them.

The one thing that can be hard is if you can't support yourself. If that is the case I'd advise sticking around until you have your finances and career in order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been married? Why did you marry him? Have you discussed divorce?

We've been married for 10 years. I married him because I loved him, we shared common interests. But then we had kids and that has changed everything. He is so stressed out all the time and refuses to admit that. He is addicted to his phone and social media and refuses to admit that or sees no problem with it. I can't ask him for help with anything because it's never a good time. I'm so lonely and sad in this marriage. I try to ignore it but it's difficult when he is constantly pulling me into fights. I love when he works late or travels so I don't have to deal with him. The kids are better too when he is not around. Life is easier without him (and I Hate admitting that because it sounds so awful, but it's true).

Can you guys figure out a way to reduce the stress? maybe spend more on nanny/babysitter services, cleaning, etc so that you have some downtime.

I have a friend with a household income which is more than double ours(and they each make 50% of the income), and she and her husband run around like two sleepless mad people trying to juggle their young kids and clean and cook healthy meals etc. They always fight and bicker over nothing. I am convinced that with some more help with cooking, babysitting, cleaning, they would be so much happier. But they are too interested in saving.

[Anonymous]

stop bickering. Stop. Just STOP. You will be happier and if you do end up divorced, you are already disengaged. But don't be surprised if your DH relaxes and starts meeting you in the middle.

Does it blow to have to be the bigger person? Yep.

[Anonymous]

You will still fight over stupid stuff. He will be able to do whatever he wants as a parent, bring girlfriends around, remarry, and you will have no say over anything that happens at his house. Or he may move away and leave you with all the work and no child support. Joint custody is really hard on small kids, and it will wreck you financially. If you think you would be happier despite these factors, sure, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce cheerleading is exactly what happens and I hate seeing people fall for it. There is no guarantee of being happier, ever, and co-parenting with a difficult ex is a hard road for everyone. Sure, some people end up better off, but some don't. What is for sure, though, is losing time with your kids, and financial sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce cheerleading is exactly what happens and I hate seeing people fall for it. There is no guarantee of being happier, ever, and co-parenting with a difficult ex is a hard road for everyone. Sure, some people end up better off, but some don't. What is for sure, though, is losing time with your kids, and financial sacrifice.

One of the most realistic posts I have ever seen here on the topic. For every, "I found a new man two years later and life is wonderful", there is a "remarried, same problems but person has a different name".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce cheerleading is exactly what happens and I hate seeing people fall for it. There is no guarantee of being happier, ever, and co-parenting with a difficult ex is a hard road for everyone. Sure, some people end up better off, but some don't. What is for sure, though, is losing time with your kids, and financial sacrifice.

One of the most realistic posts I have ever seen here on the topic. For every, "I found a new man two years later and life is wonderful", there is a "remarried, same problems but person has a different name".

The truth is, we don't have enough information about whether this marriage can be returned to a functional state (if it ever was in one). For every divorce cheerleader, there's the inane advice that all the marriage needs is a few "mom nights out" and the kids will get older, and all will be well.

As women we get the message that we need to "work" on the relationship, etc. People POUR resources into terrible relationships, good love after bad.

Yes, some marriages can be rekindled or renegotiated. Some are just dysfunctional. It takes time, probably therapy, experimentation, etc. to figure out which is which. Sounds like OP actually does know what's best but is scared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce cheerleading is exactly what happens and I hate seeing people fall for it. There is no guarantee of being happier, ever, and co-parenting with a difficult ex is a hard road for everyone. Sure, some people end up better off, but some don't. What is for sure, though, is losing time with your kids, and financial sacrifice.

One of the most realistic posts I have ever seen here on the topic. For every, "I found a new man two years later and life is wonderful", there is a "remarried, same problems but person has a different name".

Divorce "cheer-leading" comes from those who have healed and learned from their missteps and to leave the past in the past.

Those who have not done this repeat the same cycle - which is far too often the case.