Unhappy with my marriage but not sure divorce will be any better

[Anonymous]

The positive to divorce that I see is that I won't be stuck married to a miserable man and will no longer have daily fights with him about the STUPIDEST stuff. I am exhausted just thinking about all the petty arguments we have on a daily basis. Yes, daily. Over things that are not important.at.all. I'm not completely blameless, I admit I'm not perfect. But I've tried. I have tried so hard to turn things around. I have come to realize that we cannot communicate well at all and our personalities do not mesh anymore. I say ABC, he says XYZ. I'm tired of being miserable. I hate being married to him. Hate it.

The negatives. We have small kids. I feel like I'm screwing them up by staying with him (we are NOT good examples of a healthy relationship - my parents were screwed up too and here I am) but I feel like they will be screwed up if I divorce him too. I love my kids fiercely and want to screw them up as little as possible.

Yes, we have tried couples counseling. He basically went into each session pretending like he was actually listening to what I was saying, agreeing with everything so he could get out of there as fast as he could, and then nothing changed. Nothing. Nada. Same old fights. Same old song.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been married? Why did you marry him? Have you discussed divorce?

[Anonymous]

Don't make any major decisions while your kids are young. Focus on taking care of yourself for a while and tune out your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long have you been married? Why did you marry him? Have you discussed divorce?

We've been married for 10 years. I married him because I loved him, we shared common interests. But then we had kids and that has changed everything. He is so stressed out all the time and refuses to admit that. He is addicted to his phone and social media and refuses to admit that or sees no problem with it. I can't ask him for help with anything because it's never a good time. I'm so lonely and sad in this marriage. I try to ignore it but it's difficult when he is constantly pulling me into fights. I love when he works late or travels so I don't have to deal with him. The kids are better too when he is not around. Life is easier without him (and I Hate admitting that because it sounds so awful, but it's true).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't make any major decisions while your kids are young. Focus on taking care of yourself for a while and tune out your DH.

This is what I am trying to do. Any advice on how to tune him out?

[Anonymous]

I ended a marriage when my kids were almost 2 and almost 5. Very hard decision--but the best decision I've made.

Years later I'm in a LTR relationship with a man who divorced when his kids were 10 and 13.

The divorce and aftermath have been much easier on my kids because they were younger. Less time in a dysfunctional family, more time under the new norm. My boyfriend really wishes he'd ended his marriage when his kids were younger.

I second guessed myself about leaving, especially because the kids were so young and I wondered if things would get better. But we had been together over 10 years at that point and I knew neither of us was changing. So many problems that existed before under the surface came to a head with children. The children's ages weren't the problem. and the problems were not going to disappear.

Divorce was the best thing I did for myself and the kids.

[Anonymous]

It takes two to fight OP. And you don't have to win a fight to be right. You can be confident in your own head that you're thinking about something the right way and you still try to keep the peace and have a pleasant evening. It does mean that you are always being the bigger person, but after a while the other person starts relenting a bit as well because from their perspective you're not butting heads with them so much and they relax a bit. Think of it like a game or sociological experiment – just step back and try not to be so invested and see if things can be smoother. If nothing else, you'll feel less exhausted and able to enjoy your children more and have the neutral space to think about things in the future

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It takes two to fight OP. And you don't have to win a fight to be right. You can be confident in your own head that you're thinking about something the right way and you still try to keep the peace and have a pleasant evening. It does mean that you are always being the bigger person, but after a while the other person starts relenting a bit as well because from their perspective you're not butting heads with them so much and they relax a bit. Think of it like a game or sociological experiment – just step back and try not to be so invested and see if things can be smoother. If nothing else, you'll feel less exhausted and able to enjoy your children more and have the neutral space to think about things in the future

Thank you. This is very helpful advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ended a marriage when my kids were almost 2 and almost 5. Very hard decision--but the best decision I've made.

Years later I'm in a LTR relationship with a man who divorced when his kids were 10 and 13.

The divorce and aftermath have been much easier on my kids because they were younger. Less time in a dysfunctional family, more time under the new norm. My boyfriend really wishes he'd ended his marriage when his kids were younger.

I second guessed myself about leaving, especially because the kids were so young and I wondered if things would get better. But we had been together over 10 years at that point and I knew neither of us was changing. So many problems that existed before under the surface came to a head with children. The children's ages weren't the problem. and the problems were not going to disappear.

Divorce was the best thing I did for myself and the kids.

I am glad it has worked out for you. I'm just so scared it won't work out so well for my kids if I leave.

[Anonymous]

I'm an unhappy woman, too. I wish I had left my husband years ago. Now I'm too old and it's too late. I think my kids would be better if I had left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I ended a marriage when my kids were almost 2 and almost 5. Very hard decision--but the best decision I've made.

Years later I'm in a LTR relationship with a man who divorced when his kids were 10 and 13.

The divorce and aftermath have been much easier on my kids because they were younger. Less time in a dysfunctional family, more time under the new norm. My boyfriend really wishes he'd ended his marriage when his kids were younger.

I second guessed myself about leaving, especially because the kids were so young and I wondered if things would get better. But we had been together over 10 years at that point and I knew neither of us was changing. So many problems that existed before under the surface came to a head with children. The children's ages weren't the problem. and the problems were not going to disappear.

Divorce was the best thing I did for myself and the kids.

I am glad it has worked out for you. I'm just so scared it won't work out so well for my kids if I leave.

In the last phase of my marriage, I focused on myself. I got my own life going, stopped fighting with DH about anything, worked out, got myself in shape, reconnected with friends, etc. DH was confident things were going so much better--because there was less conflict. Because I didn't care. He was not happy with the new balance, though and wanted things to go back to how they were before. I couldn't.

If you don't know what to do right now, I'd say go to counseling. Get things going for yourself. See how your DH responds. That will tell you a lot.

My ex has continued to be difficult. It takes a toll on the kids--but it would have (and probably been worse) if we'd stayed married. There was pain either way. Only I got the prize of not being married to him anymore.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an unhappy woman, too. I wish I had left my husband years ago. Now I'm too old and it's too late. I think my kids would be better if I had left.

If you're alive, it's never too late.

[Anonymous]

If you stay you're pretty much assured a miserable life. If you leave you have a very good chance at immeasurable happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you stay you're pretty much assured a miserable life. If you leave you have a very good chance at immeasurable happiness.

I don't know OP, but this seems to me like a ridiculous thing to say to anyone. Does anyone in this world have "a very good chance at immeasurable happiness"? What even is "immeasurable happiness"? I think a lot of people get divorced because of stupid ideas like this.
OP, I totally understand where you're coming from. No one can promise you immeasurable happiness. Or, if they do (to paraphrase Princess Bride), they are selling you something. Just about the only thing one can say for sure if that, if you get divorced, you won't have to put up with him on a daily basis anymore.