Would like to hear from parents of older teens who were caught with marijuana

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the OP: Who caught your child? The police, another parent or you? Also, when you caught him the first time, did you discuss what you would do if this happened again? In my house, there would be no go away to college. Commuting would be his only option.

OP, who "caught" your child?

You, a neighbor, a friend's parent, the cops?

[Anonymous]

I am confused, you told your DS that you are for legalizing pot? and now you are mad? Don't you think this is giving mixed message? Teens are not yet able to understand such mixed messages.

[Anonymous]

Okay, so...

"This is the second time this has happened, and now I'm even more disappointed. I want you to have a bright future, and I don't think this has any role in that for you while you are underage / it's illegal / etc. I am not sure what to do--if anything--but I'm seriously considering what sort of consequences are appropriate. It is going to take a long time for me to trust you, and there won't be as many privileges around here this summer. I'll provide food, clothing, and shelter, but that's about it. I'm serious about you getting a job and starting to become an adult--especially if you want to do anything besides eat and sleep this summer."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so tough. Not only is this person almost out of the house, but what he's doing isn't even illegal in several places anymore. I think this is a really tough situation to be in as a parent, when the rest of the world is saying it's no big deal. Given his age, and given the fact that you're talking about pot and not some "hard" drug, I really think the emphasis should be on the long term. Do you want a relationship with your adult son? v. "punishing a child" because he's almost out the door. I would just do a family heart-to-heart. He needs to hear your concerns. But he needs to learn from his own consequences as well. You can't protect him from all those. And, at his age, you shouldn't.

I also don't know what his near future holds. Is he going to college? Staying home? This is where the consequences come in for him. I wouldn't hesitate to make clear that I'm not paying for college tuition for a pothead who isn't going to class. Nor would I let him stay rent-free in the home after graduation, etc.

No, no the child is 17. Still illegal even in states where pot is legal!

OP, I wish you luck especially when the cavalier attitudes come out to chime in. I smoked weed! It isn't addictive! You are over reacting!

You are worried for your child so treat pot (illegal and addictive and damages immature brains) like you would any other illegal, addictive and damaging substance. It won't be tolerated and until your child earns your trust back life will be tough. Like the PP said, time to have a tough talk about the future. We did the whole "won't be paying for college for a child who smokes pot" after the third time busting our son. He had to take out loans which we will repay if he proves to us that he isn't smoking out all the time. He is just back from freshman year and seems ok......will see if he can hold it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the OP: Who caught your child? The police, another parent or you? Also, when you caught him the first time, did you discuss what you would do if this happened again? In my house, there would be no go away to college. Commuting would be his only option.

OP, who "caught" your child?

You, a neighbor, a friend's parent, the cops?

Caught at school and now cannot attend for senior year. We will have to scramble to figure out a school for next year.

To answer some other questions, yes, I am upset at both, the usage and getting caught twice. I'm more angry and disappointed about the getting caught a 2nd time thing. Especially because of the consequences I stated above.

No I have not given him mixed messages, I have told him the truth. I am for legalization for people 21 years of older, I am for legalized abortion for women, I am for same-sex marriages, I am for gun control, I am for immigrants rights, I am for equality in education, etc. It's not like I focused on marijuana or smoked pot in front of my kid or sent any message that I condone any adult activities for minors. We live in the DMV, these are all issues that have affected us or been in the news. We talk about our views on different political issues all the time, I think a 17 year old can handle that without thinking I'm sending mixed messages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so tough. Not only is this person almost out of the house, but what he's doing isn't even illegal in several places anymore. I think this is a really tough situation to be in as a parent, when the rest of the world is saying it's no big deal. Given his age, and given the fact that you're talking about pot and not some "hard" drug, I really think the emphasis should be on the long term. Do you want a relationship with your adult son? v. "punishing a child" because he's almost out the door. I would just do a family heart-to-heart. He needs to hear your concerns. But he needs to learn from his own consequences as well. You can't protect him from all those. And, at his age, you shouldn't.

I also don't know what his near future holds. Is he going to college? Staying home? This is where the consequences come in for him. I wouldn't hesitate to make clear that I'm not paying for college tuition for a pothead who isn't going to class. Nor would I let him stay rent-free in the home after graduation, etc.

No, no the child is 17. Still illegal even in states where pot is legal!

OP, I wish you luck especially when the cavalier attitudes come out to chime in. I smoked weed! It isn't addictive! You are over reacting!

You are worried for your child so treat pot (illegal and addictive and damages immature brains) like you would any other illegal, addictive and damaging substance. It won't be tolerated and until your child earns your trust back life will be tough. Like the PP said, time to have a tough talk about the future. We did the whole "won't be paying for college for a child who smokes pot" after the third time busting our son. He had to take out loans which we will repay if he proves to us that he isn't smoking out all the time. He is just back from freshman year and seems ok......will see if he can hold it together.

Correct, illegal until 21.

[Anonymous]

My parents - quiet and strict south indian parents - had to give up/accept my younger sister and her pot. THat said, she was never caught by 'real law&order authority figures' - just plenty of times by my parents, parents of other friends, campus RA/"police" at her SLAC, the dean of her slac - but never was a consequence.

She started smoking pot when she was 16 and it became a daily habit. She would smoke it at home, on the back deck before sleeping etc.

They couldn't stop her - she was a very well behaved, studious, traditionally minded kid - except for the pot. She told them, she loves the pot too much and that she listens to them on everything else so to back off on the pot.

Btw this wasn't out west - where it is more accepted. This was in Maryland.

Today, she lives out west, works for one of google/facebook/apple, grows weed in the backyard of the group house she rents, makes 170k total comp at age 24, and my parents have come to accept pot as something a lot less harmful than drinking.

so i think it is more of judging the 'whole person' - which considernig my parents background is hard to do but they came around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am confused, you told your DS that you are for legalizing pot? and now you are mad? Don't you think this is giving mixed message? Teens are not yet able to understand such mixed messages.

uhh even my 10 year old understands, she can't drive right now because it is illegal but she can when she's 16/17.

doesn't mean she's suddenly confused and will steal my keys to go on a joy ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are over-reacting. A lot of very successful people smoke pot. Your son will soon graduate and be out of your influence. You can't actually punish him into not using pot and your disproportionate freak-out will only make it less likely he will talk to you about it and respect your views. If you are feeling this upset and drastic about it I suggest you see a family therapist to work it out.

I live in California and this is totally true. It's legal so nobody is whispering about smoking weed or eating brownies, or buying pot truffles at Dolores Park. The issue is you don't live in a place where it's legal, and your kid's brain is still developing.

Having said that, millions of teens have smoked weed and still gone on to be successful adults. I think the issue of him/her not having a full time job for the summer is a different issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that everyone assumes it's a son.

It IS a son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 18 yr old got caught when her summer internship required her to pass a drug test. She fessed up that she wouldn't be able to pass. She did not get the internship. That was her consequence. I'm glad she learned the lesson early in life.

the lesson learned is don't subject yourself to employment that requires drug tests.

what do you think would happen if google, microsoft, facebook, and pretty much any of those megafirms drug tested?

lol they don't for their interns either.

[Anonymous]

For some people it is not addictive. They can walk away from it. But, for some teens it can be highly addictive. Punishing will not help because it doesn't get to the root of the problem. Why does he continue to smoke pot? It alters teen brains and saps them of their motivation to live a productive and healthy life. Also, for a 17 year old, it is still illegal. It's already ruined his senior year before it's even started by your having to scramble to find him an alternate school. Please get him some help now instead of ignoring the problem by rationalizing it away by thinking that pot is not that bad. For a teen brain, it is bad. A lot of people will disagree with me, but I'm not exaggerating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are over-reacting. A lot of very successful people smoke pot. Your son will soon graduate and be out of your influence. You can't actually punish him into not using pot and your disproportionate freak-out will only make it less likely he will talk to you about it and respect your views. If you are feeling this upset and drastic about it I suggest you see a family therapist to work it out.

I live in California and this is totally true. It's legal so nobody is whispering about smoking weed or eating brownies, or buying pot truffles at Dolores Park. The issue is you don't live in a place where it's legal, and your kid's brain is still developing.

Having said that, millions of teens have smoked weed and still gone on to be successful adults. I think the issue of him/her not having a full time job for the summer is a different issue.

I completely agree with the second paragraph. I'm in my early 30s; I know plenty of people who smoked pot in high school (and in college, and some even to this day...) who are doing very well for themselves. Most of these people enjoyed it for awhile, then sort of grew out of it as they graduated and life became more busy. And for those of them that still do on occasion, you would never guess it by meeting them. Nor is it really a big deal; some people like to unwind with a couple drinks, some prefer a few hits from time to time. I don't think a 17 year old smoking pot in and of itself is necessarily cause for a massive freak out, nor do I in any way worry that this means your son will be some sort of ne'er-do-well burnout in 10 years.

However. The real issues here are that 1) he had it at SCHOOL. That is just dumb, and reckless...and shows a serious lapse in judgment. And 2) he failed to secure any sort of employment for the summer, even after you'd told him he needs to (and, regardless...). That seems more worrisome to me, and indicative of the fact that he's not interested in putting in any effort. Have you ruled out any underlying mental health issues? What is HIS reaction to being kicked out of school?

[Anonymous]

OP get your child to research marijuana induced schizophrenia. That will put an end to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP get your child to research marijuana induced schizophrenia. That will put an end to it.

I just scrolled to the bottom of the page to post this exact thing.