Would like to hear from parents of older teens who were caught with marijuana

[Anonymous]

My 17 year was caught was caught with marijuana. This is the 2nd time, first time was more than a year ago.

My kid does not have a car/drive, does have a cell phone which has already been taken away. It's the start of summer, and although we said make sure you have secured a summer job that did not happen. My kid will be a senior next year.

When this happened what approach did you take in dealing with it and what were the consequences? I feel intermittently angry but mostly very very disappointed. The first time this happened we talked a lot about this - not in a I forbid this/marijuana is a horrible horrible thing that you must never ever do - . But more of a this is illegal, you can be arrested, this will have an affect on your developing brain, think about your future - you could mess up your high school career and college outlook, etc. Knowing that we have had many conversations when this happened AND since then, just to keep the line of communications open and to relay the importance of this, part of me wants to say that if these are the kind of reckless decisions you are going to choose to make then when you turn 18 next year you can GTF outta my house and make whatever decisions you want to make on your own. I want to say, forget about the graduation cookout we were just talking about throwing you next year, because these dumb decisions show me you care nothing about graduating high school and going to college. I know these thoughts are coming from the anger that I feel though.


I want to approach this in a very rational way, I don't want to be emotionally all over the place and I don't want to make empty threats that I wont or can't follow through on.

Looking for advice.

[Anonymous]

OP again, just re-read my post. Sorry for the horrible grammar.

[Anonymous]

Forget punishments for next year. Ground for a week or two and tell them no job, no money. And, get your license.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for responding. I agree that punishments may not be the way to go which is why I'm looking for suggestions of consequences, which sometimes me be or feel like a punishment. My kid will be 18 in less than 8 months, I think consequences for this are certainly in order. My trust is lost and it's clear that decision making has been very poor.

[Anonymous]

He should probably enlist after graduation. The marines will turn him into a polite gentleman who understands consequences. Worked for my brother. A godsend, indeed,

[Anonymous]

I would seriously be having a conversation along the lines of "if you're not smart enough to make better choices you need to not be so stupid you get caught." I smoked a lot of pot back in the day. So, I'm not being naïve. However, I would be very clear that I'm not paying for college so you can spend 4+ years avoiding getting a job and getting high. You can do that in the basement for free.

[Anonymous]

I think a discussion is definitely in order, and punishment if you prefer. Honestly though, I don't think a punishment is going to curb the behavior. He got caught smoking pot and will continue to probably smoke, but be more careful about being caught by his parents. In a year, he'll be able to do all of this outside of parental supervision anyway.

[Anonymous]

You are over-reacting. A lot of very successful people smoke pot. Your son will soon graduate and be out of your influence. You can't actually punish him into not using pot and your disproportionate freak-out will only make it less likely he will talk to you about it and respect your views. If you are feeling this upset and drastic about it I suggest you see a family therapist to work it out.

[Anonymous]

To the OP: Who caught your child? The police, another parent or you? Also, when you caught him the first time, did you discuss what you would do if this happened again? In my house, there would be no go away to college. Commuting would be his only option.

[Anonymous]

This is so tough. Not only is this person almost out of the house, but what he's doing isn't even illegal in several places anymore. I think this is a really tough situation to be in as a parent, when the rest of the world is saying it's no big deal. Given his age, and given the fact that you're talking about pot and not some "hard" drug, I really think the emphasis should be on the long term. Do you want a relationship with your adult son? v. "punishing a child" because he's almost out the door. I would just do a family heart-to-heart. He needs to hear your concerns. But he needs to learn from his own consequences as well. You can't protect him from all those. And, at his age, you shouldn't.

I also don't know what his near future holds. Is he going to college? Staying home? This is where the consequences come in for him. I wouldn't hesitate to make clear that I'm not paying for college tuition for a pothead who isn't going to class. Nor would I let him stay rent-free in the home after graduation, etc.

[Anonymous]

My 18 yr old got caught when her summer internship required her to pass a drug test. She fessed up that she wouldn't be able to pass. She did not get the internship. That was her consequence. I'm glad she learned the lesson early in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are over-reacting. A lot of very successful people smoke pot. Your son will soon graduate and be out of your influence. You can't actually punish him into not using pot and your disproportionate freak-out will only make it less likely he will talk to you about it and respect your views. If you are feeling this upset and drastic about it I suggest you see a family therapist to work it out.

OP here. Actually I am not. It's not about the pot per se for me, I supported the legalization of pot and have no problem with anyone that chooses to partake . I am not anti-pot. My kid knows all of this. It's mostly that this is illegal until 21 and that after all the discussions the first time we dealt with this that my kid would be so dumb to get caught a second time. Partaking in illegal activities can screw your future prospects. Sure, it might not, it certainly didn't when I was a kid and did it, but I was also smart enough to be very discreet and careful. I can't just sit back and say "oh well, a 17 year old is gonna do what a 17 year old does." Sure, he will be 18 soon but he cannot legally partake until he is 21. It's still my job to enforce this and not just sit by and ignore/tolerate this.

As I've said numerous times, I am not interested in punishing, I am interesting in consequences. My kid is a minor that lives under my roof and is still a high school student. Perhaps people feel there aren't any really and maybe that's true. But I think when trust is broken and a lack of common sense is shown, well I think there has to be some sort of effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are over-reacting. A lot of very successful people smoke pot. Your son will soon graduate and be out of your influence. You can't actually punish him into not using pot and your disproportionate freak-out will only make it less likely he will talk to you about it and respect your views. If you are feeling this upset and drastic about it I suggest you see a family therapist to work it out.

OP here. Actually I am not. It's not about the pot per se for me, I supported the legalization of pot and have no problem with anyone that chooses to partake . I am not anti-pot. My kid knows all of this. It's mostly that this is illegal until 21 and that after all the discussions the first time we dealt with this that my kid would be so dumb to get caught a second time. Partaking in illegal activities can screw your future prospects. Sure, it might not, it certainly didn't when I was a kid and did it, but I was also smart enough to be very discreet and careful. I can't just sit back and say "oh well, a 17 year old is gonna do what a 17 year old does." Sure, he will be 18 soon but he cannot legally partake until he is 21. It's still my job to enforce this and not just sit by and ignore/tolerate this.

As I've said numerous times, I am not interested in punishing, I am interesting in consequences. My kid is a minor that lives under my roof and is still a high school student. Perhaps people feel there aren't any really and maybe that's true. But I think when trust is broken and a lack of common sense is shown, well I think there has to be some sort of effect.

So are you upset that your kid smokes pot or that he got caught?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are over-reacting. A lot of very successful people smoke pot. Your son will soon graduate and be out of your influence. You can't actually punish him into not using pot and your disproportionate freak-out will only make it less likely he will talk to you about it and respect your views. If you are feeling this upset and drastic about it I suggest you see a family therapist to work it out.

OP here. Actually I am not. It's not about the pot per se for me, I supported the legalization of pot and have no problem with anyone that chooses to partake . I am not anti-pot. My kid knows all of this. It's mostly that this is illegal until 21 and that after all the discussions the first time we dealt with this that my kid would be so dumb to get caught a second time. Partaking in illegal activities can screw your future prospects. Sure, it might not, it certainly didn't when I was a kid and did it, but I was also smart enough to be very discreet and careful. I can't just sit back and say "oh well, a 17 year old is gonna do what a 17 year old does." Sure, he will be 18 soon but he cannot legally partake until he is 21. It's still my job to enforce this and not just sit by and ignore/tolerate this.

As I've said numerous times, I am not interested in punishing, I am interesting in consequences. My kid is a minor that lives under my roof and is still a high school student. Perhaps people feel there aren't any really and maybe that's true. But I think when trust is broken and a lack of common sense is shown, well I think there has to be some sort of effect.

When I got caught smoking pot when I was 19, my mom said in no uncertain terms "I've lost a lot of trust in you" and "you're setting a bad example for your sisters" and "if you ever get caught by someone else you might ruin your chances of being a judge or whatever future job you want." That was enough punishment for me.

[Anonymous]

Interesting that everyone assumes it's a son.