My mom is miserable - what can I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom made the mistake of making you and your sibling everything in her life. My mom did the same. She will put out what she wants to happen in regards to where we live and travel and then act hurt if what she imagined is not what we planned. It is emotionally tiring for me. And for my sister. She is also in a marriage that she stayed in "for us" and now Dad has dementia and everything is always a misery. I do think that my mom has depression and it sounds like your mom might be in a similar situation. I wasn't able to do anything, because my mom refuses any help. She refuses to even consider that she is depressed and brings up how she is not crazy and how psychiatrist told her so. To my recollection, she has never been to a psychiatrist. She will even guilt trip my DS about how come he doesn't love her anymore because he doesn't want to visit this summer? DS is off to college and I can understand that he wants to do a couple of trips with his friends and not sit around with grandma that does absolutely nothing(apart from cooking and complaining) and grandpa that sleeps almost all day long. One thing I am working on is not feeling guilty and not allowing her to make me feel guilty. I don't know if your mom is doing the same guilt trip, but mine does. I had to work on what I could control and that is realizing that I am not responsible for her happiness and her unhappiness, and that I have nothing to feel guilty about. Hopefully your mom is more open to changing herself than mine is. Good luck.

OP here. Yes that sounds very similar. I don't know if my mom is consciously trying to make me feel guilty (I hope not) but nevertheless that is what I feel. The hardest part (apart from being truly sad for her - she deserves to be happy) is that her happiness or lack thereof is not my personal responsibility. That's a lot to put on your children.

[Anonymous]

She is small-town minded. You can't fix that.

Having family "far away" is relative. Some view a few hours as a hardship, other view a different continent to be a hardship. Encourage her to consider moving closer to one of you if she's willing to work to make the change happen (and be happy about it)

Older people complain. Also realize that she gets to share and vent re: her frustrations/dreams/disappointments. Don't take them oh-so-seriously always. She's sharing her feelings, what she thinks about. That's what relationships are for. They are more intense since she is older, and she is your mom and you feel responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom made the mistake of making you and your sibling everything in her life. My mom did the same. She will put out what she wants to happen in regards to where we live and travel and then act hurt if what she imagined is not what we planned. It is emotionally tiring for me. And for my sister. She is also in a marriage that she stayed in "for us" and now Dad has dementia and everything is always a misery. I do think that my mom has depression and it sounds like your mom might be in a similar situation. I wasn't able to do anything, because my mom refuses any help. She refuses to even consider that she is depressed and brings up how she is not crazy and how psychiatrist told her so. To my recollection, she has never been to a psychiatrist. She will even guilt trip my DS about how come he doesn't love her anymore because he doesn't want to visit this summer? DS is off to college and I can understand that he wants to do a couple of trips with his friends and not sit around with grandma that does absolutely nothing(apart from cooking and complaining) and grandpa that sleeps almost all day long. One thing I am working on is not feeling guilty and not allowing her to make me feel guilty. I don't know if your mom is doing the same guilt trip, but mine does. I had to work on what I could control and that is realizing that I am not responsible for her happiness and her unhappiness, and that I have nothing to feel guilty about. Hopefully your mom is more open to changing herself than mine is. Good luck.

OP here. Yes that sounds very similar. I don't know if my mom is consciously trying to make me feel guilty (I hope not) but nevertheless that is what I feel. The hardest part (apart from being truly sad for her - she deserves to be happy) is that her happiness or lack thereof is not my personal responsibility. That's a lot to put on your children.

OP again. The bold is easy to type, very difficult to truly internalize.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is very hard to stop feeling guilty. I struggle with it. I don't think my mom either does it to make me feel guilty, but everything she says is a guilt trip. I also love my mom, but some things that she says are so unhinged and hurtful and I just have to stop from making it a huge fight and try to rationalize that she is getting older(she is 70) and all her filters are coming down. If I answer with a slight criticism, she acts all hurt and like a victim. I also don't like talking on the phone with her. I might say, why did you cook so much today, meaning you should rest, and she will go off completely being a victim(often she cooks for my sister who lives close to her) saying how dare I say that she shouldn't cook for her daughter(who is 40ish) and how we, her kids, and our kids are her everything and yet we don't give her a second thought. So, now I mostly e-mail and talk about the weather. But, inside myself it is hard to process my own emotions. Sending you hugs! In a way you posting makes me wonder if many people struggle with this or similar issues as their parents age

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is very hard to stop feeling guilty. I struggle with it. I don't think my mom either does it to make me feel guilty, but everything she says is a guilt trip. I also love my mom, but some things that she says are so unhinged and hurtful and I just have to stop from making it a huge fight and try to rationalize that she is getting older(she is 70) and all her filters are coming down. If I answer with a slight criticism, she acts all hurt and like a victim. I also don't like talking on the phone with her. I might say, why did you cook so much today, meaning you should rest, and she will go off completely being a victim(often she cooks for my sister who lives close to her) saying how dare I say that she shouldn't cook for her daughter(who is 40ish) and how we, her kids, and our kids are her everything and yet we don't give her a second thought. So, now I mostly e-mail and talk about the weather. But, inside myself it is hard to process my own emotions. Sending you hugs! In a way you posting makes me wonder if many people struggle with this or similar issues as their parents age

Hugs to you too! Sounds like we are are walking a very similar path.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know she needs to make friends and see a therapist. She is not going to do either of these things, despite anything I do or say.

I guess what I'm really trying to ask is how do I make my own peace with this. I feel like a crappy daughter right now.

My parents are in a similar situation. They are several years older than your mom. What I've realized is that they did not plan well for the retirement and senior years. You know how some older people purchase condos in Florida in advance or cultivate hobbies or even plan big trips with friends? Well, my parents retired and expected my siblings and I would literally hand them a purpose, i.e. live close by and have grandchildren for them to babysit every day. Well, one sibling never married and had kids and I live hours away with kids.

Now, things are changing around them. They live in the same house they've lived in for 40 years and don't know where to move. Their neighborhood is changing, people are moving away and unfortunately, they've let ties with old friends and cousins fall away so they don't have as many friends as they used to (they can be pretty miserable, judgmental people, which my sense is, has chased a lot of old friends away for good).

I've felt bad for them but I've also learned from them. If you have the means, plan for retirement. It's not the 1800s. People live past 60 and they often do very well with exercise, good food and a little medication. Don't spend your final years miserable about what could have been or what you think the world owes you (and don't get stuck on cable news, especially on a beautiful day).

[Anonymous]

None of my family members or friends live close to their parents, indeed many of us are international, with parents living abroad. I have close family in Europe and Asia, and only one distant cousin here in my area.

With my background, I have a hard time sympathizing with your mother. Doesn't she understand that people want to see the world, and have jobs that cannot transfer easily, etc??? I would never begrudge my children for this. By the time they're adults the world will have changed even more and they may end up on the other side of the world, like me with my parents, or my father with his parents!

Your mother may have some form of dementia, or, as you say, depression. But none of this is your fault and you shouldn't feel bad or pile guilt on your sibling. You can encourage her to consult her doctor, or accompany her to one next time you're in town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know she needs to make friends and see a therapist. She is not going to do either of these things, despite anything I do or say.

I guess what I'm really trying to ask is how do I make my own peace with this. I feel like a crappy daughter right now.

My heart goes out to you, OP. I know you want to help your mom feel better but you've obviously reached the only conclusion you can come to - you have to figure out how to make peace with this. May I suggest that you work with a therapist on helping you make peace with it, since you will not be able to fix your mom? It's hard to let go of these things but it's all you can do right now. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom made the mistake of making you and your sibling everything in her life. My mom did the same. She will put out what she wants to happen in regards to where we live and travel and then act hurt if what she imagined is not what we planned. It is emotionally tiring for me. And for my sister. She is also in a marriage that she stayed in "for us" and now Dad has dementia and everything is always a misery. I do think that my mom has depression and it sounds like your mom might be in a similar situation. I wasn't able to do anything, because my mom refuses any help. She refuses to even consider that she is depressed and brings up how she is not crazy and how psychiatrist told her so. To my recollection, she has never been to a psychiatrist. She will even guilt trip my DS about how come he doesn't love her anymore because he doesn't want to visit this summer? DS is off to college and I can understand that he wants to do a couple of trips with his friends and not sit around with grandma that does absolutely nothing(apart from cooking and complaining) and grandpa that sleeps almost all day long. One thing I am working on is not feeling guilty and not allowing her to make me feel guilty. I don't know if your mom is doing the same guilt trip, but mine does. I had to work on what I could control and that is realizing that I am not responsible for her happiness and her unhappiness, and that I have nothing to feel guilty about. Hopefully your mom is more open to changing herself than mine is. Good luck.

OP here. Yes that sounds very similar. I don't know if my mom is consciously trying to make me feel guilty (I hope not) but nevertheless that is what I feel. The hardest part (apart from being truly sad for her - she deserves to be happy) is that her happiness or lack thereof is not my personal responsibility. That's a lot to put on your children.

OP again. The bold is easy to type, very difficult to truly internalize.

My mom was not anywhere as difficult as yours - so take this with a grain of salt - but once I learned to set boundaries with her (a major one was asking her to stop criticizing my father to me), my relationship actually got better because I didn't feel like she controlled me anymore. I had the space to be kind and generous with her because I was coming from a position of strength.

[Anonymous]

Lots of hugs for you, OP. I feel I am in a similar situation with my parents (both of them) who create their own very avoidable problems and then do nothing to fix them. I feel all this guilt, responsibility, and worry about their happiness; actually I have talked to my therapist about this issue. Your mom needs a therapist, but maybe you can benefit from one too -- if you don't already see one -- and maybe the fact you see a therapist would encourage your mother to see one. Heck, you could offer to go together once or twice.

One of my parents' many issues is that both their children live a plane ride away from them. They bring this up often. I tried everything to make a move back home work for my spouse/kids, finally concluded it would never work, and told my parents that my family would move to their state if they were willing to leave their town and move somewhere else in their state with me. They are not interested, even through they are retired and well-off and could easily move anywhere in the world that they wanted to including my current town where we're very happily settled. The fact they were unwilling to meet me a fraction of the way after I was willing to uproot my family, showed me that they were not interested in a solution and perhaps would not even be happy if I moved next store. (Before anybody jumps on me -- it's their right not to move! But I no longer feel responsible for the distance between us.)

Best of luck, OP. It's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of hugs for you, OP. I feel I am in a similar situation with my parents (both of them) who create their own very avoidable problems and then do nothing to fix them. I feel all this guilt, responsibility, and worry about their happiness; actually I have talked to my therapist about this issue. Your mom needs a therapist, but maybe you can benefit from one too -- if you don't already see one -- and maybe the fact you see a therapist would encourage your mother to see one. Heck, you could offer to go together once or twice.

One of my parents' many issues is that both their children live a plane ride away from them. They bring this up often. I tried everything to make a move back home work for my spouse/kids, finally concluded it would never work, and told my parents that my family would move to their state if they were willing to leave their town and move somewhere else in their state with me. They are not interested, even through they are retired and well-off and could easily move anywhere in the world that they wanted to including my current town where we're very happily settled. The fact they were unwilling to meet me a fraction of the way after I was willing to uproot my family, showed me that they were not interested in a solution and perhaps would not even be happy if I moved next store. (Before anybody jumps on me -- it's their right not to move! But I no longer feel responsible for the distance between us.)

Best of luck, OP. It's hard.

PP here. My parents want DH and I to move our family to my parents' town (a 4 hour plane ride away). The problem is, we are the ones who would have harder lives as a result, as their neighborhood is more expensive, higher taxes, and the best jobs that would pay the most would be at least a 1 hour commute each way. My parents, of course, are retired; therefore, we'd have to suffer to make them happy.

What has really been ticking me off is that my father, who never takes any responsibility for his behavior, has started sending me obnoxious emails about where we live, i.e. news articles about all of the problems with our state as if to say, "see, you moved to a horrible, place! Ha! Take that!"

It just reminds me exactly why I would not want them within driving distance.

[Anonymous]

My FIL passed when my wife was in college (youngest of three). My MIL worked for several more years and then retired. When she retired, she moved across the country (upstate NY to Portland, OR) to be near her, then, only grandchild. She lived about 3 miles from my BIL/SIL/nephew for just over 15 years and recently, now that my nephew is a 20-something and on his own, she moved to southern California to live in the same retirement community that her sister lives in.

She feels that moving closer to her grandchild during his formative years was one of the best things she's done in her life. It was hard to uproot herself but it was so worth it.

Consider trying to convince your mother that she should move closer to one of her children and grandchildren. She might find it worth the effort to be nearer to her family. If her family won't come to her, then she can go to them.