My mom is miserable - what can I do?

[Anonymous]

My mom is not perfect but she was/is a great mom and has always lived for her two kids. Now my sibling and I are grown with our own families and by random chance we both live out of town from where we grew up. I live a couple hours in one direction and sibling lives 5 hours in another direction. Sibling and I are both stable, happily married, with kids, etc. My sibling recently decided to move from a starter home to a larger home in their current city. My mom is taking it extremely hard because she has confessed that she was basically waiting on sibling to move back to our hometown and now its pretty obvious that isn't happening any time soon. (My sibling certainly has the right to live their life where they choose but I feel like my sibling encouraged this belief by my mother, or at least did nothing to correct my mother's assumption.) My mom confessed she gave up on my moving back a long time ago.

My parents are still married and live together but do not have anything resembling a marriage or a relationship. I don't understand why they are still married. My mom does not have any close friends, her parents are deceased and she is not very close to her siblings even though they live fairly close to her, so she is basically alone in life except for sibling and me. She doesn't really like her job, even though she has no plans to ever retire because a.) she can't afford to and b.) in her words "what would I do?" (this feels like a dig about sibling and I living out of town.)

She used to be a really positive upbeat person and totally adoring of me, my sibling and her grandchildren. Over the last couple of years and especially the past few months she has become extremely moody, grumpy and has started instigating arguments. I know that these are signs of depression. The problem is - what can be done when none of the issues making her depressed can I do anything about? I highly doubt she would agree to go to therapy, nor is it likely to help that much.

Both sibling and I visit and call frequently. My mom says its not the same because she/we feel like a "houseguest" instead of family.

I feel horrible for my mom. She is young (60) and pretty healthy so she probably has a lot of years left to be this unhappy. I'm the type of person that sees problems and wants to fix them but I can't do anything to change the big issues (sibling and I living out of town, dead marriage) and I can't make her do anything about the smaller issues (find some friends, "get a life" - I mean that in a nice way I swear!)

Help! I am so upset about all of this.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it does sound like depression and I would encourage her to get screened for depression. Make the appointment and take her yourself. It's not something that YOU can fix but medication can make a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

OP, you already know there's nothing you can do to "fix" your mother's unhappiness. Maybe encourage her to take up hobbies? Volunteer work? But don't feed into what sounds like a little bit of guilt tripping. Wouldn't be good for you, or for her.

[Anonymous]

She needs to make friends. Maybe she can join the red hat club. Maybe there is something else going on that you don't know.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know she needs to make friends and see a therapist. She is not going to do either of these things, despite anything I do or say.

I guess what I'm really trying to ask is how do I make my own peace with this. I feel like a crappy daughter right now.

[Anonymous]

^^OP again. Lately I dread even calling her because the entire conversation is a all woe-is-me.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for being such a caring daughter. I'm closer to your mother's age than yours and have a college-age DD, so I can see this from both sides. I think you can both be happy for your grown children's lives while at the same time trying to come to grips with them being far away.

Is there any chance your mom could move to where you or your sister live? Or at least start looking for jobs there? Kind of a trial separation from your dad.

Maybe you and your family could plan a long weekend together, either at her house, yours or somewhere in between. Unless she doesn't drive, she can certainly make weekend plans to visit you and your sister since both are doable even with a 2-day weekend. It might be good if she had something like this to look forward to.

Making friends at this age is easier said than done, but maybe there a couple meetup groups that might interest her.

[Anonymous]

You've got to say something. None of the things you mention that other people could do would help--either of you moving back, for instance--if this is truly depression.

You need to mention to her and probably your dad too what you mentioned about her getting more irritable and unhappy the last couple years. Say out loud that you worry that she is suffering from depression, and that you would appreciate if she would talk with her doctor about it. Then see what happens.

And, when she unloads on you, tell her that you think she would really benefit from discussing these things with a therapist. (I have done this with my mom, "If you're this worried about x, you need to see a therapist. I'm done talking about it.") "Mom, you can still have a happy life even if we both live further away than you'd like. I think it would help you to talk with a therapist about it."

Don't be the one who absorbs all her negative thoughts. Push back a little.

[Anonymous]

Even if you or your sibling moved back to your hometown, your mother would not be happy. Even if you moved INTO your mother's house, she would not be happy. There will always be something you are not doing right.

She needs to take some responsibility for her own happiness. You can encourage this, but honestly, with some people, they are determined to be grouchy.

My MIL is like this. If you give her an inch, she wants a mile. If you give her a mile, she wants 100 miles. When she gets 100 miles, well now you are taking advantage of her and she will complain about how you are always at her house.

[Anonymous]

OP here. She visits me and sibling on weekends every month or two. I do the same, and sibling does too but slightly less often due to distance. One of mom's new complaints is that she spends so many weekends traveling. I would t want to travel as much as she does either and I don't pressure her to visit - until recently I assumed the visits were what she wanted.

[Anonymous]

You could call her doctor and ask them to discuss depression with her at her next visit. They can't tell you anything about your mom's health, but they can listen to your concerns and use that information when treating her. She might reject their concerns if the screening shows she needs help, but it might mean more coming from a doctor.

[Anonymous]

Is she going through menopause by any chance? When my mom went through it (granted she was about 5 years younger than your mom is; I'm not sure if 60 is way too late for menopause?) she got reallllllly down and blue. After another older woman I know made repeat comments about 'mourning [her] youth' with menopause I looked into it a bit, and apparently it's a really common thing

[Anonymous]

If it's really depression, nothing you can do will change it. She is giving "cause" to her feelings because she cannot r Olson terms y other way. But even if you moved closer or if traveling wasn't a problem, there would be something else. And when you can't blame external things you start to look inwards and find fault there ("I'm a bad mother/wife /person").

Her depression could be Affecting her lack of drive to "get a life" or have a meaningful relationship with your dad. She needs help

[Anonymous]

From your mom's point of view, she's looking down a dark tunnel at the rest of her life. It seems natural to feel depressed about this.

I think there may be nothing you can do, just because of how hard it is to fight inertia. I agree with others, though, that she could probably benefit from depression help.

She feels stuck in a dead marriage, which is a very lonely place. Neither of her kids want to move nearer her, (which is perfectly reasonable on your parts, so don't feel guilty). She can choose to move near one of you, but then she's farther from the other. If she moves, it's hard to find a new job at her age, and she doesn't have money to give her more options. She can't afford to set up a new, separate household. No wonder she's depressed.

She's going to have to face it, though, and make some positive moves to improve her life. She needs to know her negativity is starting to drive you away. That's the last thing she wants.

[Anonymous]

Your mom made the mistake of making you and your sibling everything in her life. My mom did the same. She will put out what she wants to happen in regards to where we live and travel and then act hurt if what she imagined is not what we planned. It is emotionally tiring for me. And for my sister. She is also in a marriage that she stayed in "for us" and now Dad has dementia and everything is always a misery. I do think that my mom has depression and it sounds like your mom might be in a similar situation. I wasn't able to do anything, because my mom refuses any help. She refuses to even consider that she is depressed and brings up how she is not crazy and how psychiatrist told her so. To my recollection, she has never been to a psychiatrist. She will even guilt trip my DS about how come he doesn't love her anymore because he doesn't want to visit this summer? DS is off to college and I can understand that he wants to do a couple of trips with his friends and not sit around with grandma that does absolutely nothing(apart from cooking and complaining) and grandpa that sleeps almost all day long. One thing I am working on is not feeling guilty and not allowing her to make me feel guilty. I don't know if your mom is doing the same guilt trip, but mine does. I had to work on what I could control and that is realizing that I am not responsible for her happiness and her unhappiness, and that I have nothing to feel guilty about. Hopefully your mom is more open to changing herself than mine is. Good luck.