Shared custody of an infant-coparents on good terms

[Anonymous]

Another consideration OP is how far apart you live (I'm 15:49), an hour can make things difficult, but I would start with those 2 overnights, and see how it goes. Give it a month or so to see if you can get the kinks worked out - it may be easier on baby to do one overnight at a time with dad instead of 2 in a row (but maybe not!). And then try to increase the time at dads as the baby gets older, while also considering that once baby is in daycare or school, midweek overnights might be hard if you don't live close to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Recently had a very close family member go through this with a 5 month old. Partially due to nursing, but also partially due to personal preferences, they landed on:

- Mom has primary physical custody
- No overnights until the child is 4 (there are other children involved too that are older)
- Dad gets minimum of 4 "contact hours" during the week
- Dad gets Sundays from Noon to 8 PM

Once the child is four, will still be 4 hours during the week, Sundays 12 - 8, but also every other weekend from Friday night to Sunday night.

I thought that was pretty far on the extreme end, but the courts agreed to it. The parents live very close together and travel time is not an issue.

And, this is exactly why these Dad's have no bond or parenting abilities with these kids. Kids are not nursing till age 4, and mom can pump or baby can take formula. Mom will then complain Dad is a deadbeat and uninvolved when she set it up that way. In reality there is no point in Dad being involved for 4 hours a week. A stranger who babysits gets more time. Its all about money as the less time Dad has the more support he pays.

OP here. I think you are the same poster that was concerned about other family member being prioritized over the dad in my situation. It seems like you have an ax to grind regarding moms getting more custody/keeping dads away, but that's not really relevant to my situation. The father in my case has had a chance to be with the baby since birth and his parenting abilities are not in question. And in our case Mom (which is me) is not trying to keep dad away from the baby or gouge dad for child support. Perhaps start your own thread the discuss this issue?

To the PP who stated a baby can only have one "primary caregiver," I will look into this more and discuss with our doctor.

Also for the PP who suggested dad find childcare for his residence while he is working, that might be an option for the future but for right now we both feel most comfortable with my family member providing childcare while the baby is so young.

To the other pps who have contributed, thank you! I especially appreciate the contribution from the previous poster who shared their experience sharing custody of a 10 month old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I think you are the same poster that was concerned about other family member being prioritized over the dad in my situation. It seems like you have an ax to grind regarding moms getting more custody/keeping dads away, but that's not really relevant to my situation. The father in my case has had a chance to be with the baby since birth and his parenting abilities are not in question. And in our case Mom (which is me) is not trying to keep dad away from the baby or gouge dad for child support. Perhaps start your own thread the discuss this issue?

To the PP who stated a baby can only have one "primary caregiver," I will look into this more and discuss with our doctor.

Also for the PP who suggested dad find childcare for his residence while he is working, that might be an option for the future but for right now we both feel most comfortable with my family member providing childcare while the baby is so young.

To the other pps who have contributed, thank you! I especially appreciate the contribution from the previous poster who shared their experience sharing custody of a 10 month old.

I'm the PP who shared custody of a 10mo (and now an almost 3rd grader), and I don't think there can just be one primary caregiver. I think babies can, and will, bond to more than one. I would make sure (to the extent that you can - you also have to give up control when baby is with dad) that DAD is doing the caregiving, and that he doesn't have family doing all of it for him. I am not amicable with my ex, and sometimes things are very difficult - he tells the child how much he dislikes me for example.

I also highly recommend having a formal custody/visitation plan filed with the court, and a child support order. You don't have to follow the custody/visitation order exactly once its on file, but it protects BOTH parents of the child. It makes sure that neither of you can abduct the child (I know it feels unlikely), and it ensures that there is an enforcement mechanism for if either of you violates the agreement. You don't have to lawyer up and make it complicated and expensive - it can be done with a mediator, and it can be simple and amicable. When broaching the subject, be sure to say that it protects BOTH of you - its important to have that protection. Otherwise, he can just decide to move to texas with the baby one day, and then you have an interstate custody battle on your hands, and no order saying that he can't do that. Or vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to an expert. Most believe there needs to be a primary caregiver for an infant with no longterm overnights when that young.

The father can "bond" during daytime care, but you cannot both be primary caregivers. There is one and the infant needs to feel secure and not wrenched away midweek each week.

Talk to a developmental ped.

You are not being dev. appropriate.

I disagree. Infants are flexible and capable with bonding with mulitple people. OP's plan sounds good - I might add in an opportunity for the dad to see the baby an additional few hours during the week, with the intention of working up to 50-50 eventualy.

[Anonymous]

How can a baby only have one primary caretaker? So, kids in two parent homes (mother/father, father/father, mother/mother) don't have equal primary parents, especially if both are working. That makes no sense. Limiting time with a child and not allowing that early bonding is unhealthy for both the parents and child. You cannot get back that early bonding time and child needs time with both parents. It took two people to create the child, so why should only one be allowed to parent?

[Anonymous]

My child bonded with me, DH, my mom, and his nanny. I think what's important is that the cast of characters remains the same (so I probably wouldn't introduce boyfriends or girlfriends at this stage).

I'll echo PP about getting a custody agreement filed in court, to protect all three of you. While you seem to be coparenting well 8 weeks in, you have another 17 years and 10 months ahead of you.

[Anonymous]

Ex and I separated with DD was 7 months old, she is now 2 years old. We've managed to both foster a strong bond with her by crafting a schedule that allows us both to spend time with her almost every day (it admittedly looks AWFUL on paper). We both spend approximately equal time with her and manage to both see her most days by having him handle most drop offs (except for 1 day) and I handle pick up from daycare (again, except for 1 day).

We split weekends. Week 1, she's with me Friday night to Saturday evening, and with dad Saturday evening to Monday morning. Week 2, she's with dad Friday night to Saturday evening, and me from Saturday night to Sunday evening. She always spends Sunday night and Tuesday night with dad. This works because we live very close (2 miles apart) and have no problem spending time together. The longest span of time I don't see her is when he has her Saturday night, so I go Saturday evening to Monday evening without seeing her. Occasionally, we do a family dinner on those Sundays so I can see her or we'll do a family outing to the zoo or something. When we each travel with or without her, we make sure the other can call every other day (at least) or get some pictures/video daily; maintaining contact and fostering the relationship is important to us.

It's a lot of back and forth, but daycare allows for a good transition buffer where she's only being handed off between us on weekends and most days it's just a change in who picks her up and which house she's going to. She seems to understand 'mommy's house' and 'daddy's house' and knows that her fish live at mommy's and her dog is at daddy's. She doesn't seem thrown or confused by the idea that she left daddy's house in the morning, but goes back to Mommy's in the evening. It's just part of her routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex and I separated with DD was 7 months old, she is now 2 years old. We've managed to both foster a strong bond with her by crafting a schedule that allows us both to spend time with her almost every day (it admittedly looks AWFUL on paper). We both spend approximately equal time with her and manage to both see her most days by having him handle most drop offs (except for 1 day) and I handle pick up from daycare (again, except for 1 day).

We split weekends. Week 1, she's with me Friday night to Saturday evening, and with dad Saturday evening to Monday morning. Week 2, she's with dad Friday night to Saturday evening, and me from Saturday night to Sunday evening. She always spends Sunday night and Tuesday night with dad. This works because we live very close (2 miles apart) and have no problem spending time together. The longest span of time I don't see her is when he has her Saturday night, so I go Saturday evening to Monday evening without seeing her. Occasionally, we do a family dinner on those Sundays so I can see her or we'll do a family outing to the zoo or something. When we each travel with or without her, we make sure the other can call every other day (at least) or get some pictures/video daily; maintaining contact and fostering the relationship is important to us.

It's a lot of back and forth, but daycare allows for a good transition buffer where she's only being handed off between us on weekends and most days it's just a change in who picks her up and which house she's going to. She seems to understand 'mommy's house' and 'daddy's house' and knows that her fish live at mommy's and her dog is at daddy's. She doesn't seem thrown or confused by the idea that she left daddy's house in the morning, but goes back to Mommy's in the evening. It's just part of her routine.

thanks for this ... I was considering trying for a similar custody schedule but I thought it seemed nuts. Good to know it's worked for someone. I would also plan to live very close by which is obviously key. but I do wonder how well it works with older kids and when/if exes remarry and have more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex and I separated with DD was 7 months old, she is now 2 years old. We've managed to both foster a strong bond with her by crafting a schedule that allows us both to spend time with her almost every day (it admittedly looks AWFUL on paper). We both spend approximately equal time with her and manage to both see her most days by having him handle most drop offs (except for 1 day) and I handle pick up from daycare (again, except for 1 day).

We split weekends. Week 1, she's with me Friday night to Saturday evening, and with dad Saturday evening to Monday morning. Week 2, she's with dad Friday night to Saturday evening, and me from Saturday night to Sunday evening. She always spends Sunday night and Tuesday night with dad. This works because we live very close (2 miles apart) and have no problem spending time together. The longest span of time I don't see her is when he has her Saturday night, so I go Saturday evening to Monday evening without seeing her. Occasionally, we do a family dinner on those Sundays so I can see her or we'll do a family outing to the zoo or something. When we each travel with or without her, we make sure the other can call every other day (at least) or get some pictures/video daily; maintaining contact and fostering the relationship is important to us.

It's a lot of back and forth, but daycare allows for a good transition buffer where she's only being handed off between us on weekends and most days it's just a change in who picks her up and which house she's going to. She seems to understand 'mommy's house' and 'daddy's house' and knows that her fish live at mommy's and her dog is at daddy's. She doesn't seem thrown or confused by the idea that she left daddy's house in the morning, but goes back to Mommy's in the evening. It's just part of her routine.

I'm really glad this works for your child. My child is very inflexible and he would have been an anxiety ridden disaster with this schedule. I don't say that as an insult to you, but for other parents - if it works great, if it doesn't don't force it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex and I separated with DD was 7 months old, she is now 2 years old. We've managed to both foster a strong bond with her by crafting a schedule that allows us both to spend time with her almost every day (it admittedly looks AWFUL on paper). We both spend approximately equal time with her and manage to both see her most days by having him handle most drop offs (except for 1 day) and I handle pick up from daycare (again, except for 1 day).

We split weekends. Week 1, she's with me Friday night to Saturday evening, and with dad Saturday evening to Monday morning. Week 2, she's with dad Friday night to Saturday evening, and me from Saturday night to Sunday evening. She always spends Sunday night and Tuesday night with dad. This works because we live very close (2 miles apart) and have no problem spending time together. The longest span of time I don't see her is when he has her Saturday night, so I go Saturday evening to Monday evening without seeing her. Occasionally, we do a family dinner on those Sundays so I can see her or we'll do a family outing to the zoo or something. When we each travel with or without her, we make sure the other can call every other day (at least) or get some pictures/video daily; maintaining contact and fostering the relationship is important to us.

It's a lot of back and forth, but daycare allows for a good transition buffer where she's only being handed off between us on weekends and most days it's just a change in who picks her up and which house she's going to. She seems to understand 'mommy's house' and 'daddy's house' and knows that her fish live at mommy's and her dog is at daddy's. She doesn't seem thrown or confused by the idea that she left daddy's house in the morning, but goes back to Mommy's in the evening. It's just part of her routine.

I'm really glad this works for your child. My child is very inflexible and he would have been an anxiety ridden disaster with this schedule. I don't say that as an insult to you, but for other parents - if it works great, if it doesn't don't force it.

I'm the PP of the crazy schedule and agree. This works well for my child at this time, if your child doesn't adapt well to change and requires a steady routine, this may not work for OP. OP, because you claim to be on good terms with your co-parent, it's also important to revisit the schedule every so often to make sure it's still good for all three parties involved. We revisit ours every 6 months (usually just a 'does this still work?' or 'is there anything you'd like to change with our schedule') and made small adjustments here and there to make it better for us and DD. But yes, you know your child best, and things are much easier with cooperating co-parents when trying to navigate this potential mine field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex and I separated with DD was 7 months old, she is now 2 years old. We've managed to both foster a strong bond with her by crafting a schedule that allows us both to spend time with her almost every day (it admittedly looks AWFUL on paper). We both spend approximately equal time with her and manage to both see her most days by having him handle most drop offs (except for 1 day) and I handle pick up from daycare (again, except for 1 day).

We split weekends. Week 1, she's with me Friday night to Saturday evening, and with dad Saturday evening to Monday morning. Week 2, she's with dad Friday night to Saturday evening, and me from Saturday night to Sunday evening. She always spends Sunday night and Tuesday night with dad. This works because we live very close (2 miles apart) and have no problem spending time together. The longest span of time I don't see her is when he has her Saturday night, so I go Saturday evening to Monday evening without seeing her. Occasionally, we do a family dinner on those Sundays so I can see her or we'll do a family outing to the zoo or something. When we each travel with or without her, we make sure the other can call every other day (at least) or get some pictures/video daily; maintaining contact and fostering the relationship is important to us.

It's a lot of back and forth, but daycare allows for a good transition buffer where she's only being handed off between us on weekends and most days it's just a change in who picks her up and which house she's going to. She seems to understand 'mommy's house' and 'daddy's house' and knows that her fish live at mommy's and her dog is at daddy's. She doesn't seem thrown or confused by the idea that she left daddy's house in the morning, but goes back to Mommy's in the evening. It's just part of her routine.

I'm really glad this works for your child. My child is very inflexible and he would have been an anxiety ridden disaster with this schedule. I don't say that as an insult to you, but for other parents - if it works great, if it doesn't don't force it.

Often the anxiety is from the parent who does not want to separate from the child. You could make it work for the child but don't want to. When kids are older you make a calendar and let them know the schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex and I separated with DD was 7 months old, she is now 2 years old. We've managed to both foster a strong bond with her by crafting a schedule that allows us both to spend time with her almost every day (it admittedly looks AWFUL on paper). We both spend approximately equal time with her and manage to both see her most days by having him handle most drop offs (except for 1 day) and I handle pick up from daycare (again, except for 1 day).

We split weekends. Week 1, she's with me Friday night to Saturday evening, and with dad Saturday evening to Monday morning. Week 2, she's with dad Friday night to Saturday evening, and me from Saturday night to Sunday evening. She always spends Sunday night and Tuesday night with dad. This works because we live very close (2 miles apart) and have no problem spending time together. The longest span of time I don't see her is when he has her Saturday night, so I go Saturday evening to Monday evening without seeing her. Occasionally, we do a family dinner on those Sundays so I can see her or we'll do a family outing to the zoo or something. When we each travel with or without her, we make sure the other can call every other day (at least) or get some pictures/video daily; maintaining contact and fostering the relationship is important to us.

It's a lot of back and forth, but daycare allows for a good transition buffer where she's only being handed off between us on weekends and most days it's just a change in who picks her up and which house she's going to. She seems to understand 'mommy's house' and 'daddy's house' and knows that her fish live at mommy's and her dog is at daddy's. She doesn't seem thrown or confused by the idea that she left daddy's house in the morning, but goes back to Mommy's in the evening. It's just part of her routine.

I'm really glad this works for your child. My child is very inflexible and he would have been an anxiety ridden disaster with this schedule. I don't say that as an insult to you, but for other parents - if it works great, if it doesn't don't force it.

Often the anxiety is from the parent who does not want to separate from the child. You could make it work for the child but don't want to. When kids are older you make a calendar and let them know the schedule.

Not with my kid. Granted, my kids other parent is averse to having any sort of routine, never had a bedtime routine for our kid, refused to do anything that made the transitions easier, and at 9 my kid still has anxiety. It doesn't come from me - I'm not anxious. I've never made my child feel guilty about time with the other parent, nor said mean things about the other parent. This type of back and forth between homes simply would have failed my child. Even 3 transitions per week was too much, so we did 2 and it worked much better. It hasn't been easy all the time (now we love further away because of my job, but the non custodial parent has plenty of time and uses all of it), but consistency helps my child thrive.

Other kids are different, and that's OK.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to the pps that suggesting getting a parenting agreement on file. I hadn't thought of that, since we are getting along so well but I agree it will protect us both down the road in case things go sour.

[Anonymous]

http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/law/20/1/46/

Here is a consensus report on this issue.

[Anonymous]

OP of this thread here. I wanted to bump this because someone recently posted something similar and the advice in here might be helpful.

An update on my end....we ended up reconciling and are now living together.