Dilema or is this my fault

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a great co-worker guy that we get a long great. Decent age difference between us so never really a romantic twist to this. Like a lot of the same things and just in general enjoy each others company. I am single and he was single when our friendship really got started. We would send pictures of how much snow we had at our homes. Text about shows and books and just general every day stuff. Sometimes phone calls that go on for a bit but mostly working out things like taxes or a recipe or something truly mundane. I think of him as little brother and give advice on finances and when his child is sick when to take to doctor and things like that. He started dating a really nice girl and things have progressed to the point that they are engaged and about to get married. She lives in another state and will be moving here.

Once they got engaged I figured our chatty, chatty every day thing would start to taper off a bit cause things were changing in his life. Much like you may not have as much time for your sister once you have a girlfriend. It hasn't it has gotten more and more in past 3-4 months. Now he is calling daily on the way to work and on the way home and then texting in the evening. Nothing important just chit chat. At worst working out planning for some of the wedding things and more mundane stuff.

I feel like as a friend and a female I should respect his marriage and we shouldn't be doing a lot of the dailies and texting and chatting, but I fear that he won't stop once he is married. His girlfriend isn't aware of the level of contact that we have with each other. I found that out cause he is very determined to keep her out of his phone.

Now here are some of the things I probably shouldn't have done. I scheduled doctor appointments for him and his child, he regularly relies on me to remind him of things like to put the trash out and pick up dry cleaning and all that sort of thing. We keep a on going internal messaging to each other at work going all day long. We use to work in same office but got into the habit of this after I moved offices. Starts at 9 when we get to work and ends as we say good bye at end of day. The minute I get to my car he calls me while he drives home. I don't think he thinks of me as like a mother or sister figure cause he sometimes gets flirty and I just ignore him and move on. Tells me how smart I am and beautiful and things like that. I chose to ignore him or just roll my eyes at him.

I have started backing off on a lot of the things and advice I would normally give him and ask him to see what his fiancé thinks about them. I have tried shifting things over to her but he insist on bringing them back to me, dumb things like what color to paint a wall. I don't live there I don't care. Last night he text me at 12:30 am show me some project he was working on in his house.

I know, I am a grown ass woman and I should be able to just read him chapter and verse on proper behavior of a soon to be married man and his conduct with women who are not his wife. To some extent I will miss him but I really don't want him to jeopardize his blossoming marriage. How do I get him to stop this with me and shift to the fiancé/wife. Plus, once he is married I will feel a little weird with some married dude calling and texting me too. Yes I am aware I caused a lot of this by making my self so available for so long and not putting the breaks on this long ago... but it was like a slow boil in a pot and now I need to get out of the pot and try not to hurt him and see if some friendship can still be maintained and maybe catch up once every couple of months.

I do take the blame for a lot of it but now I need to get out of it.

Are you his mother? Because that's what it sounds like. That guy has no business being married to or parenting anyone. Why do you find this attractive?

Op here, definitely not his mom, thought I was more of a sister than anything. Give you little brother advice, remind him of some stuff. There is nothing attractive about this I assure you thus the reason I am posting to figure out a way out of it. Seems the consensus is that he is a bit of stalker, probably into me(eyes rolling) and at the very least has no boundaries. Going home soon, he will call on drive home, gonna have a frank talk about his behavior, do something I should have probably done 6 months a go.

[Anonymous]

Good luck and update us.

[Anonymous]

Bobby, now that you're getting married, you need to be sharing this information with your fiancé. I am feeling very uncomfortable with the amount of times you are calling me and need you to stop contacting me so much.

[Anonymous]

Op here...Well that didn't go well. Started of explaining I wasn't comfortable could continuing to have this level of contact with a married guy. He tried to joke about it and say we have a few more weeks. When he realized I was serious he tried to blow it off like there was no need to be concerned. Even said we would be only ones who knew how much we talked or were in contact. Then I put my foot down, asked him how he would feel if his fiance was doing the same. His response was"how would I know if she was". I disregarded that statement and moved on. Repeated my point again and said we could catch up every couple of months. Then he suggested seeking permission from fiance after wedding. Then I got mad, ask if he was going to do that why after and not now. Why would he want to put his new bride on the spot day one. She would forever question our relationship no matter what her answer. He kept trying to bargining it away and I just said it again that this level of contact made me uncomfortable and ended the conversation and hungup. He has called back 3 times and text so many times I just listen to the phone pinging. I will look at the text tomorrow.

Thought he would be reasonable about this, thought he would be grown up and say I was right in wanting to respect his soon to be wife and his marriage. I am sure he will call and text some more but after this is have no reason to believe he will be reasonable so from now on it is radio silence.

Really disappointed, hoped to have gone better. Will keep you up to date if there is anything to tell

[Anonymous]

Oh my god he's nuts. Shut it down altogether. Before you end up in a body bag as he's led away in handcuffs sniffing a lock of your hair he cut off.

[Anonymous]

Why are you doing all this crap for him and not even getting any?

[Anonymous]

Yep...stalker. He's crazy. Be careful.

[Anonymous]

I think you all put a weird edge on his interactions - and OP you cast it in that light. I have had a friend like this and I am married for almost 20 years. We are flirty BUT it is not for real - and there has never been a misunderstanding bwt us or now both our spouses. The only time it was ever an issue was with an odd duck co-worker maybe 10 years in. She decided it was a scandal and tried to enforce that as a definition of our friendship. She just realized we weren't taking bait and moved on but few icky weeks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a blunt conversation and tell him you aren't comfortable having a relationship with him that's hidden from his fiancee and/or a relationship that would make her uncomfortable. If he doesn't dial down the contact after that start ignoring him.

pls do this. or start acting extremely busy and ignore this emotional affair crap he is doing and you are enabling.

start dating too, get on match.com.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's into you as waaay more than just a friend and this is his last chance to try to make it work by talking to you constantly.... if you're not interested you're going to need to find a way to get some space. Starting with no more errands and reminders!

OP here, really you think he is way into me? How can that be, who gets married knowing full well you have feels for someone else? Do people do that? Or am I the most naïve person out there. I have never indicated to him there was potential and blow him off with his flirty stuff. Why would he do that to his fiancé, who by the way if fabulous.

He is setting you up. My narcissist husband did this same crap.

[Anonymous]

Wow. This is not a nice guy. He is all push push push, who knows what he'll do if he thinks you are serious about this. Op, take care of your self.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you all put a weird edge on his interactions - and OP you cast it in that light. I have had a friend like this and I am married for almost 20 years. We are flirty BUT it is not for real - and there has never been a misunderstanding bwt us or now both our spouses. The only time it was ever an issue was with an odd duck co-worker maybe 10 years in. She decided it was a scandal and tried to enforce that as a definition of our friendship. She just realized we weren't taking bait and moved on but few icky weeks

I don't think this is the same. He is getting married soon and he should have known that would cause a change in the relationship. This shouldn't have had to been pointed out to him. Even if he wanted to keep it up to the last moment he should have conceded once it was brought up. The OP isn't married and that's never a good idea early in a marriage for the husband to have some single chick that he confides in. That all needs to go on the new wife. Wanna break up a marriage fast, bring in a 3rd party. Commend OP for wanting to do the right thing. Someone else might have been selfish and just kept it up knowing it was going to probably put a kink in that marrige. Him on the other hand is a problem and question feasibility of this marriage even if OP wasn't in picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This is not a nice guy. He is all push push push, who knows what he'll do if he thinks you are serious about this. Op, take care of your self.

I am serious about this. What is it you think he will do? I am done here. Had he reacted better would have survived as good friends but not now if he thinks I am some secret he can keep from his new bride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's into you as waaay more than just a friend and this is his last chance to try to make it work by talking to you constantly.... if you're not interested you're going to need to find a way to get some space. Starting with no more errands and reminders!

OP here, really you think he is way into me? How can that be, who gets married knowing full well you have feels for someone else? Do people do that? Or am I the most naïve person out there. I have never indicated to him there was potential and blow him off with his flirty stuff. Why would he do that to his fiancé, who by the way if fabulous.

He is setting you up. My narcissist husband did this same crap.

Op here..What did he do, can you elaborate?

[Anonymous]

OP -so what did the texts say?

This guy is really bad news and he is just starting to show how hooked he is to you - and it's not flattering. It's really scary.

Tell him you don't feel comfortable anymore with anything outside of work-related conversations and change your personal number.

Also: when did you last date? Did your friend seem jealous about it?